5 Great Videogames to Play During Sex

Guys, don’t you hate it when you’re bangin’ a chick, she’s taking FOREVER to orgasm, you’re trying hard not to, and all the while you just wish you could get back to playing videogames? Well, sex is about to get 100 times better for both of you! Here are five different kinds of games that are easy to play while you “joystick” your princess. She may object to the idea at first, but after showing her how long you can last while multi-tasking, she’ll be begging you for a good game-and-fuck every time. Who knows? Maybe she’ll even want in on the “action!”


#5: One-Handed Games

Arcadian games like Pac-Man and Frogger only require one free hand to play. And just how many hands does your bitch need? Many simplistic computer games can be played with only the mouse. How embarrassing would it be to your online Chess opponent if you could checkmate them while you chick-mate? As for console games, go into the options menu and customize a controller scheme to match your favorite position.

#4: Button-Mashing Games

If your girl is the kind that demands both hands on her at all times, this is the perfect rebuttal. Button-mashing games only require one finger! And if she demands all ten fingers, she’s too needy, bro. Button-mashing while you butt-mash is a great way to earn money in gambling mini-games. Nothing like getting paid while you’re getting laid! Sure, you’re not making real money, but chances are you’re not making real love, either. You could even let her get on top, stick the controller under your ass and let her do the work!

#3: Metal Gear Solid Games

Notorious for their intolerably long cut-scenes, the MGS games are more like half-videogames, half-movies. Nobody cares about the stories in those games, but nobody wants to skip the cut-scenes either, as they do occasionally contain important information. The short films are typically around ten minutes long, which should be way more than enough time to satisfy your hoe. The further you get in the series, the more frequent and endless the cut-scenes become -- MGS4 has cut-scenes that last over an hour! But dividing your attention is a great way to prevent you from blowing your load, and I suspect these games were designed for just that purpose. After all, the protagonist's name is Solid Snake.

#2: Waiting Games

This one’s for the ladies. I know how much you females love simulation games -- probably because they require such little skill. Many sim games require you to spend copious amounts of time with the game on, whether you’re actually doing anything or not. This allows your cities to develop, cash to flow and pets/children/plants to grow without ever having to interfere. If it’s a computer game, you can leave it on 24/7 and only monitor it occasionally. But if it’s a console game, the playtime has to be limited so you don’t start a house-fire, which gives you the perfect opportunity to make some heat with your man while your console overheats. And dudes, if your she-devil insists you unplug the games before you plug into her, you better march right into the other room, log her off Farmville, close her Sims 3 window and break open her Tamagotchi.

#1: Automatic Games

Similar to “waiting games” only manlier, “automatic games” are the ultimate games to have on while you get it on. Role-playing/strategy games like Ogre Battle and Final Fantasy Tactics feature an “auto-battle” feature, allowing AI to fight the battle for you. This is very convenient, considering the battles can take up to a half hour. All you have to do is get in a battle before you get in your woman and you’re good to go, as long as you keep one eye on the screen. Sometimes, role-playing/hack-and-slash games feature endless swarms of easy enemies, which is a great way to level up if you have an autofire controller/tape a button down and leave the game running (Final Fantasy VI, Gauntlet Legends). But beware: autopilot can be risky. If the tables turn in-game, you’ll have to pull out, which may cause your lover to accuse you of (how did she put it?) “ruining the moment.”

Top 5 Game Boy Games

I'm not a big fan of handheld systems. I don’t mind the microscopic screens, the vampiric need for fresh batteries or the fact that they’re a step backward, technologically. No, what I resent is the game selection. To balance out the advantage of portability, it seems 99% of handheld games are nothing more than inferior wanabes of great console games. ALL the popular series got lesser remakes on the Game Boy. It’s as if these trashy games were just meant to hold you over on trips until you got home to the real thing again. Like a hooker. Yeah, the Game Boy did have Tetris, but having already read my previous lists, you all know that was originally an arcade game and thus doesn’t qualify here. However, the nineties were such a great decade for videogames that even the sexist cinder block with black-and-white -- er, black-and-green graphics had a handful of great titles.


#5: Kwirk
1989/90

You may tomato, I say Kwirk. Everyone knows Tetris, but who’s ever heard of Kwirk?! NO ONE, that’s who, which is a total bummer, because Kwirk is infinitely superior. That’s right, I said it, and I’ll say it again: Tetris is overrated! *flinch* Sure, Tetris may have been a classic arcade game, but it’s just so simplistic, I hardly consider it a puzzle game at all. It merely tests your reflexes, whereas true puzzle games (like Kwirk) challenge your brain. And while the Game Boy version of Tetris did introduce the classic theme song, it couldn’t even save your high scores. Kwirk is very similar to the Lolo games on the NES. The title character is a tomato in shades tasked with completing a series of puzzles to save his girlfriend-tomato so they go back to making sweet, beautiful Ketchup. There are three different modes. “Going Up?” is the main game, a linear series of thirty puzzles, ten per difficulty. These diabolical little brain-ticklers consist of boxes that can be pushed but not pulled, pits which can be filled with boxes and revolving turnstiles. Some rooms feature a second vegetable character, requiring you to switch back and forth between the two in order to guide them both to the exit. These puzzles are brilliant but extremely difficult, requiring a lot of trial and error. Thankfully, you can undo up to eight moves or simply redo the entire level whenever you want. There’s also a level select, which more than compensates for a lack of a save feature, as it also allows you to skip a level if you’re too retarded to figure it out. The second mode is “Heading Out?” which allows you to play however many puzzles you want on random. I never played much of it, but I suppose it’s a good time-killer if you’re on a long trip and have already beaten the main game. Finally, there’s “Vs. Mode,” which allows you to race another player (via link cable) to see who can complete puzzles faster. But let’s be honest, if you’re linking two Game Boys together, it’s gonna be for Pokémon. Still, Kwirk is a great little puzzler that should always take priority over Tetris on vacations.

#4: Kirby’s Dream Land
1992

King Dedede stole all the food from Dream Land and everyone’s gonna starve unless Kirby steals it all back! How did this game not win Best Screenplay?! Oh, I forgot, Super Mario Kart came out the same year. The first-ever Kirby game is so old, the balloony bastard doesn’t even have his trademark ability to steal powers from enemies. All you can do is suck them, followed by spitting or swallowing -- damn, Kirby games are dirty! The lack of the copy ability actually adds a good element of challenge to a series that would later become too devoid of difficulty. In most Kirbies, all the powers allowed you to just walk through enemies (and bosses). But the original forced you to be more resourceful, using enemies against each other, and bosses required you to successfully evade their attacks until they gave you an object to shoot back at them. As usual, Kirby can fly forever, so the game’s still a piece of cake. The easy gameplay, mixed with a happy, upbeat soundtrack makes it an irresistible little feel-good game that’s guaranteed to cheer you up and give you the false impression that you rock at videogames. Kirb’s one of the most recognizable videogame characters ever, but get this: his model was created only as a temporary sprite to testrun the levels until the artists actually gave him more detail. But, as history’s proven, simplicity rules! The only problem with this game is its measly serving of five levels. Beating the game unlocks a higher difficulty level, but even that will leave you hungry.

#3: Kirby’s Dream Land 2
1994/95

Recipe for Kirby's Dream Land 2:

1) Take Kirby's Dream Land
2) Add 26 more levels.
3) Add a save feature.
4) Add animal buddies.
5) Add collectibles.

The pink pussy returns to thwart King Dedede. Again. It’s no surprise why this game won Best Screenplay, 1994. Take that, Final Fantasy VI. Okay, so the story’s nonexistent, but that's not why we play 8-bit games. That's like eating a great restaurant and criticizing the lack of decor. With a whopping 31 levels, Dream Land 2 made the original feel like an appetizer. It was actually the third Kirby game (the in-betweener being Kirby’s Adventure on the NES), and it continued many of the concepts introduced in Adventure, like the copy ability and collectibles (YUM!). The game introduced three animal friends that Kirby could ride on once he rescues them. There’s Rick, a hamster that runs fast and doesn’t slip on ice, Coo, an owl that can fly against the wind and allows Kirby to inhale midair, and Kine, a fish that can swim against currents and allows Kirby to inhale underwater. Your special power is also enhanced when riding an animal. For example, Kirby alone can only use the fire power horizontally. But when riding Rick, he can also use it vertically, allowing him to melt ice blocks above him. There are seven Rainbow Pieces hidden throughout the game (one in each world), and some can only be obtained with the right combination of power and animal. If you get all seven pieces and beat the game, you unlock a new weapon, a new boss AND a new ending! Talk about a great dessert.

#2: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
1993

Like a dog that pisses on every fire hydrant, Nintendo just had to mark every console with a classic Zelda game. Showoffs. But of all the games in the series, this one actually surprised me the most. It was a very ambitious, unique game that truly overcame the Game Boy’s limitations. Unlike the other Zelda titles, this one wasn't set in Hyrule. There’s no Zelda, no Ganon, and no Triforce. Instead, it’s set on Koholint Island, where Link is stranded until he can wake the Wind Fish, which can only be done by gathering the eight Wind Instruments. Why are these games called Legend of Zelda, anyway? It should be Legend of Link! That bitch doesn't do shit! Link's Awakening featured an exclusive Zelda item: the Feather (actually from Super Mario Kart), which allowed Link to jump! The game also featured a customizable button scheme for your items, and two items could be used at once -- you can guard with your shield while you swing your sword; using bombs with the bow ‘n arrow fires an explosive arrow; and with the Pegasus Boots and Feather, you can get a running start and jump huge pits! But where the game really shines are in its dungeons. The complex, brilliant designs are truly the best in the entire series, featuring some clever puzzles that require real intelligence. The game has a comedic script full of references to other Nintendo games including Mario, Kirby and SimCity. The only downfall is that the game suffers from being sandwiched between the two all-time best Zelda games: Link to the Past and Ocarina of Time. Thus, people tend to not take this one as seriously since the Game Boy theoretically lacked the same potential as the consoles. But believe me, Link’s Awakening met the challenge head-on, becoming my third-favorite in the series.

#1: Pokémon

1996

Step aside, Mickey, there's a new mouse in town. This simple, complex and extremely addictive RPG was about capturing wild creatures called Pokémon and training them to fight each other. Two versions of the game were released simultaneously: Red and Blue (which were Red and Green in Japan). Though the versions were largely identical, each contained Pokémon that the other version did not. The idea was to find other kids with the opposite version and trade them with a link cable so you could “catch ‘em all.” The link cable also allowed you to fight each other -- the highlight of the game. I will never forget the “Pokémania” that swept across my school in the mid-nineties. All the cool kids were playing Game Boys at recess (and even under the desk in class). The game brought a whole generation of gamers together in person instead of isolating them at home.

Despite being controversial for promoting evolution and animal cruelty, the game became un-fucking-believably popular, leading to a dozen sequels, an animated TV show, a card game and virtually every type of merchandise imaginable. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are Pokémon sex products. After all, Pokémon does stand for “Pocket Monsters.” I can just picture the ads for Pokéviagra: “Turn that Magikarp into a Gyarados!” There’s probably even Pokémon birth control. I’d wear a Diglett condom.

Today, there are like 500 Pokémon; most of them uninspired variations of the old ones. But back in the day, there were only 151, and I still know them all by heart. The creatures were very imaginative, like something out of a Dr. Seuss poem, with memorable names like Charmander, Bulbasaur and Squirtle. Each Pokémon had a different “type,” and battles primarily depended on exploiting your opponent’s weaknesses, like using water types against fire types. If you want to complete your Pokédex, you’ll need at least two other friends to play through the game simultaneously, or you'll have to convince some vets to dust off their old Game Boys to make the necessary trades.

The replay value is endless -- even after you beat the game and collect all 151, you’ll still spend hours preparing for and dueling your friends with different teams. I'm normally very against resorting to the internet for help, especially before beating a game. But this is one of the very few games where I think online resources actually benefit the experience. There's just such a burning desire to be the very best and yet it's so difficult and time-consuming to weed out all the good Pokémon and movepools from the bad. After all, in the world of Pokémon (which is full of fellow Pokémon trainers, collectors and researchers), it's only realistic that an abundance of information would be made available to you.

On a side note, the best way to duel your friends was on Pokémon Stadium, an N64 game that came bundled with a transfer pack, allowing you to upload your Pokémon from the Game Boy and compete in gorgeous, 3D battles narrated by an epic announcer. “WOW! IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!” You can even use Stadium to store extra items! But the fact that the original 8-bit Pokémon games became so successful during the heyday of the powerful N64 and Playstation is a testament to the eternal appeal of oldschool games.

Up next: My Top 50 SNES Games.