Top 50 SNES Games: Part 1

My favorite sound in the entire world is that loud, distinct click of a Super Nintendo powering on. To give you an idea of just how many great games the SNES had, I’ll be doing a top fifty. Bear in mind I only bother writing reviews for great games, which usually only comprise a top ten or twenty per console. But I was astounded at how many amazing games there were in the snespool. And these games weren’t just great in quantity, they had the quality to match. If you're looking for some 16-bit classics, look no further. You will never find a more comprehensive, one-man countdown, nor reviews of such comprehensive detail. After a quarter-century in the making, I proudly present to you fifty reviews of my favorite games for my favorite console, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System.

#50: Mario Paint
1992

Man, I loved this game when I was a kid. Today? Not so much. It was Nintendo's sad attempt at making a collection of “computer games” for the SNES, complete with its own mouse accessory. The game featured an art program, a music program, a make-your-own comic book and more! Though nice for its time, time has not been nice to it in return. The art program is so primitive, it makes Etch a Sketch look like Photoshop. The music program only allows you to create natural quarter notes, so anything “complicated” like sharps, flats and eight notes are way out of the question. So wait-wait-wait. How did this wrinkly old geezer of a game even manage to crack my list? Has nostalgia impaired my judgment? Is it just a “filler” to cap off my awkward list of forty-nine? Or is it simply one of those games I love to play on drugs? All answers are close, but it's actually secret option D: the fly-swatting mini-game. Buried under all the outdated modes is a mini-game so fun, it compensates for everything else – or at least serves as a nice distraction. You can find it by clicking that mysterious coffee mug icon on the menu bar. Now this game has survived the test of time. It's basically a first-person shooter, only instead of a cross-hair, you have a fly-swatter. Your goal is to defend a kitchen countertop from an army of insects. It's only three levels long, but the high difficulty and Arcadian addictivitis will keep you up all night trying to beat it. I got wicked good at it, especially after I turned up the mouse speed to the max and got a little buzzed myself.

#49: Wild Guns

1994/95

The Good, The Bad and the Robotic collide in this steampunk, western shoot-em-up. I don't generally care for shumps, but even I loved this one. You and a friend can play as “Clint” (modeled after Clint Eastwood's iconic rolls in Sergio Leone's spaghetti western films) and/or “Annie” (based on real-life bankrobber Annie Oakley). And trust me, you have to play this with a friend. Not only because of the brutal difficulty; it's the best co-op action game since Contra. In fact, the game is very similar to Contra's pseudo-3D levels. It's a fixed third-person shooter in which you're confined to the foreground shooting at enemies in the background. The game has a classic western setting -- you know, saloons, deserts, speeding trains and the like, but the enemies are all futuristic: giant robots, cyborgs with jetpacks, and even the robotic cowboys from The Nightmare Before Christmas! There's never any explanation for why futuristic things are invading the 1800's, but who cares? Steampunk rocks. Never heard of it? Watch this. You start Wild Guns with only a machine gun and lasso, but you can also acquire a shotgun, grenade launcher and dynamite. You can dodge bullets Matrix-style, but real men will intercept them with a bullet of their own! The more incoming enemy bullets you intercept, the more that mysterious gauge fills at the bottom of the screen. Once it's full, you unleash the almighty VULCAN CANNON, which will make even the toughest enemy robots look like R.O.B. This game ain't no trolley ride. It'll whoop yer ass good, partner. But it's only six levels long, and the infinite continues keep the frustration from outweighing the fun. My only complaint: where are all the Indians? Perhaps they're the ones building all the evil robots.

#48: Star Fox:
1993

They may look like paper airplanes today, but when I was a kid, those Arwings were the sexiest things I had ever seen! And although the game's graphics are outdated today, the gameplay is not. In this classic rail shooter, you’re Fox McCloud, a mercenary fighter pilot hired to save the animal galaxy from the evil Andross (a total Dr. Zaius wanabe). This means flying across the galaxy, planet to planet, and blowing up everything along the way. Nintendo installed Super FX chips into all the Star Fox cartridges to allow for the game's enchanced, 3D graphics, which were not only way ahead of their time, but they still have a unique charm today. With multiple routes to chose from, a nice mix of space and surface missions, great boss battles and a kickass soundtrack, this dogfighter made me wanna join in the air force… until I grew up and found out you can’t really fly a jet into outer space. The only reason this game ranked so low is because it was practically eclipsed by superior sequels. But we'll get into those later (maybe even within this countdown). Like many of Nintendo's series, the original Star Fox feels a bit like a rough draft compared to its sequels. I would argue that that Zelda III and Metroid III totally replaced their predecessors. However, the original Star Fox still holds up surprisingly well, and it has some great stuff you won't see anywhere else in the series, like some wonderful techno music and trippy cut-scenes. Another thing I prefer in this version was Slippy, who was much cooler here than he ever was in, say, Star Fox 64. Apparently this was before he got the sex-change. This is also one of my favorite games to play while intoxicated. All those colorful, moving shapes are absolutely mind-blowing, especially in the level Space Armada. “Whoa, duuuude. Check out those gnarly polygons!”

#47: Pilotwings

1990/91

Pilotwings will make you repeatedly glance down at your controller to prove you're not playing an N64 game. The 3D effects are that good. In fact, I think this is a far better game than Pilotwings 64. It's a flight sim where you play as a young pilot trying to earn your flying license. To do so, you must pass a variety of aeronautical tests. You learn how to fly a plane, a hang glider, a jetpack and even go skydiving. The game is pretty tough but never overwhelming because your instructors give you a lot of leeway. See, every lesson is graded out of 100 points, but each stage of the game only requires you to score a designated total between all of the lessons. For example, one stage of the game requires you to score 220 points between three different lessons, meaning you can totally bomb the biplane lesson and still pass the class if you score high enough on the skydiving and jetpack lessons. And if you're slick enough to land on the moving platforms in any of the tests, you're treated to goofy bonus rounds where you can earn extra points as an angel bouncing on trampolines or a skydiving penguin. The best part of the game comes when you finally earn your gold license: you’re suddenly called into battle with a heavily-armed helicopter in an illegal rescue mission. Pilotwings was one of the very first titles on the SNES, yet I think it had some of the most advanced graphics and gameplay the system has to offer.

#46: Zombies Ate My Neighbors

1993

Apocalypse! The world is being invaded by every classic Hollywood horror monster: vampires, werewolves, martians, mad scientists, black lagoon creatures, mummies, Frankenstein's monsters, possessed dolls, chainsaw maniacs, and of course, zombies. You play as a ballsy young punk named Zeke wearing 50's-style 3D glasses who decides to save his neighborhood from the ghouls with an array of quirky weapons: squirt-guns filled with holy water, Popsicles, weed-whackers, shook-up pop cans that explode on impact, silverware, crucifixes and bazookas from fallen army-men. This game is a a scream! It's like playing through a cheesy old B-movie complete with a zany theremin soundtrack and a Twilight Zone-esque title screen. Zombies was also one of many great of examples of a game that was released on both the SNES and the Sega Genesis, and whose former version was vastly superior to the latter. In the SNES version, you can toggle a radar on and off to indicate the remaining neighbor's locations throughout the level. In the Genesis version, however, the radar is always on, and it not only hogs one-third of the screen, it hogs the right edge, meaning, if there's an enemy to your right, you're not gonna know about it until it's too late. But that's just the beginning. Get this: the SNES controller had four face buttons, which was perfect for a game like Zombies. B toggled weapons; Y fired the weapon. A toggled items; X used the item. The Sega controller, on the other hand, only had three face buttons, which proved disastrous: A fired the weapon, B also fired the weapon for some reason and C used the item. To swap weapons, you have to press A and B simultaneously, which often resulted in a weapon misfire. But worst of all, you can NOT toggle items in the Sega version!!! I can't even begin to express how much this ruins the game. Just imagine you reach a locked door in a level. To unlock it, you need to have a key selected in your item display. So, if you happen to have your first aid kits selected instead, you'll have to waste every one of them just to gain access to the damned key. And heaven forbid you have a key selected when there aren't any locked doors left in the level, as that prohibits you from using first aid kits. I hate Sonic and I hate Sega. No wonder the SNES won the 16-bit wars.

#45: F-Zero
1990/91

If you can read this, it's definitely not a bumper sticker on an F-Zero hovercraft. This is one of the fastest frickin' racing games you'll ever play. I gotta admit, F-Zero is an awesome game but an awful title. It sounds like the worst grade you could possibly receive on a homework assignment. On the contrary, I'd give this game an A-95. It was the first great racing game, and it's still one of the best. It was also the other launch title on the SNES (along with Super Mario World). Mode 7 gave the game its groundbreaking 3D capabilities (later seen in Star Fox and Pilotwings), and despite how incredibly fast the game is, both the graphics are controls are smooth as silk. There are four different hovercrafts, fifteen tracks and four difficulty levels, giving the game plenty of replay value. I particularly like how you can see each crafts' stats on the selection screen. The four racers are very well-designed. The two with high acceleration have lower top speeds, and the ones with low acceleration have higher top speeds. Therefor, the Blue Falcon is great for beginners. The Golden Fox and Wild Goose are harder to use, but once mastered, are even better. And the Fire Stingray is always the best, but only in the hands of a pro like myself. Every lap you complete awards you with a mushroom, er, I mean, a power-boost. Other than that, there aren't any weapons like in Mario Kart, but you can damage other racers by crashing into them, or repair your own racer by flying over power-beams in the pit areas. The fast, techno soundtrack fits the futuristic theme perfectly. But this game has one major flaw: it suffers from a mysterious lack of multi-player.

#44: Super Castlevania IV

1991

All the great NES franchises got an even greater reboot on the SNES. Castlevania IV was so great, they even put a “Super” in front of it – a title it definitely deserves. The Drac is back and it's up to the next descendant of the Belmont family to stop him. Simon Belmont returns with his trusty whip, and this time, he's got some new moves. In addition to whipping in any of eight directions, you can now swing the whip around freely (like Sheik’s over+B in Melee), hold it upright to shield projectiles, or even pull an Indiana Jones and use it as a grappling hook. All the old secondary weapons are back, too: throwing knives, axes, and the amazing crucifix-ninja-star-boomerangs! Castlevanias always excelled in creating a horror-style atmosphere, but Castle IV just took everything to a whole new level. The series had always been set in medieval Transylvania, but Castle IV was so dark, it made the earlier games look like Kirby games. The soundtracks were always a mix of dark, dissonant classical and heavy death metal, but Castle IV's soundtrack is so hardcore, it made the earlier scores sound like boybands. The boss battles are so hard, they made the earlier bosses feel like goombas. This game is so gothic, it makes the earlier games look like a bunch of emo posers. There are even some Mode 7 effects, like a cylindrical background that rotates around you like you're in a haunted funhouse. This game kicks ass! Mainly your own, though. That seemed to be a common theme in the first tier of my countdown: difficult games, which means you really have to be in the mood for a good challenge to play them. But he who hath the balls shan't be disappointed!

#43: SimCity
1991

Perhaps the most original game ever made for its time, SimCity had no hero, no villains and no princess. It was the revolutionary building-simulation game that cast you as the mayor of a new city that you get to build from the ground up. It was originally a computer game in 1989, which would normally disqualify it for this list. However, the SNES “port” is actually a remake featuring many significant improvements including “gift” buildings (police headquarters, casinos, amusement parks), the ability to create disasters (tornadoes, plane crashes, Bowser), city classifications based on your population (town, city, capital) and a helpful hint-giver named after the game’s creator, Dr. Wright. Houses, buildings, factories, airports, stadiums, parks, roads, railroads... you get to build them all wherever you want, and how you place them in relation to each other will affect your population. The more people you attract, the more your city will upgrade. The game’s poignant soundtrack upgrades along with your city. It begins as a quiet, peaceful tune -- perfect for a small, rural town. Then as your city becomes more urbanized, the same song gets busier and heavier. It's all variations on the same theme, but by the time you get a Metropolis, you won’t even recognize the song anymore. You can also check your ratings, demographics and even change taxes. The only flaw with this game is that it starts you off with so little money that it's not even fun. You'll go broke in no time with only a small corner of your map colonized. But if you use the popular “million dollar cheat,” you'll have more than enough money to cover the entire map, which is how the game’s default should have been. Back when I was a kid, I tricked my little sister into thinking that your city continued to grow and shrink even while the game was off. That way, after she fell asleep, I could open her file and set Bowser loose on her city. The following day, she'd turn the game on to find her precious city reduced to rubble, and I'd say “there must have been a tornado.” I never confessed the truth to her until just now. Sorry, sis.

#42: Final Fantasy V
1992/1999

FFV wasn't originally released in the U.S., because at the time, it was considered far too difficult for us dimwitted American gamers. Thanks, Japan. For years, this game was only available on the Super Famicom (Japan's SNES), until finally, seven years later, it got a translated port on the PlayStation collection, Final Fantasy Anthology. I thought, surely the game can't be that complicated. I was wrong. FFV boasted a complex job system, a deep battle system and insanely hard boss battles. Like FFIII, you get four characters, each of whom you can change into any job class at any time, and each can borrow one special ability from another class. This gives you an endless amount of freedom for customization, a feature later seen in Final Fantasy Tactics. You can create anything from a “knight” with “white magic” (a.k.a. Paladin) to a “white mage” with “back attack” (a.k.a. Pope). There are twenty-two job classes, almost all of which I found useful sooner or later. My favorites were Hunter, expert archers that, once mastered, could fire four fast attacks in a single turn, Blue Mages, who could learn enemy skills once cast upon them, and the Trainer, which lets you take control over enemy monsters – which, by the way, is the only way to cast some of the best enemy skills on a fellow blue mage. The tricky boss battles often require some trial and error. You need to learn those bossy bastards by heart before devising a way to defeat them. For example, one of the hardest battle in the game pitted you against four crystals that would unleash MASSIVE damage to your entire party... but only after you've depleted over half their hit points. SPOILER: The trick I finally came up with to beating them involved turning all four of my characters to Summoners, turning the battle speed way down in the configuration menu, setting the cursor to memory, carefully depleting just under half of the crystals’ hit points, waiting until all four of my characters’ ATB gauges were full, then holding the confirm button down as if my life depended on it to quickly unleash four fast Titan summons in succession, destroying the crystals before they even got a chance to fight back. Sound too complex for you? Go play your Madden games, dimwits.

#41: Live a Live

1994/2001 (unofficial translation)

Of all the RPG's that were never released in the U.S. (and believe me, I've played them all), this was the crown jewel. The only way to play it today is learn Japanese and purchase a Super Famicom along with the Japanese version of the game and a compatible TV to play it on. Or... you could simply download an SNES emulator and an unofficial fan-translated rom hack of the game. But don't tell 'em I sent ya, cuz emulation is kind of illegal. The opening screen of Live a Live presents you with seven chapters. Each follow a different character through a different time period. One by one, you must complete each of these chapters in the order of your choosing:

A) In feudal Japan, a ninja must infiltrate an enemy castle and assassinate its lord. You can choose whether to be stealthy and avoid all the battles or simply slaughter everyone in sight. If you take the kill-everyone approach, the game tallies the body count, and only by slaying all one hundred of the residents can you earn a powerful katana. But the stealthy approach is far more fun, especially since you start with an invisibility cloak which you can use anytime outside of battle.

B) In ancient China, an aging martial arts master must find a disciple to pass on his family's secret techniques. You get to choose which of three younguns to train as your disciple. Who and how you train them becomes of utmost importance at the chapter's climax.

C) In the far future, you play as a robot aboard a spaceship returning to Earth with a mysterious new lifeform aboard. It bears so many similarities to the film Alien, I can't believe the game didn't start a lawsuit. This one's an effin' horror game! Once the creature gets loose on the ship, the game becomes terrifying, as you must sneak through the ship without getting caught by the beast, which could be lurking right around any corner.

D) In the modern day, a martial artist enters a fighting tournament. It's like Mega Man, RPG-style. You fight six battles in the order of your choosing, and you learn your opponent's special moves as you defeat them.

E) In the old west, a cowboy joins forces with an old rival in order to protect a town from a horde of bandits who got their hands on a fancy new weapon called the gattling gun. Before the clock reaches high noon, you must gather supplies and prepare traps for the bandits, like explosives and ambushes. Oh, and restorative items include cigars, tequila and bourbon.

F) In the prehistoric age, a caveman fights for survival against a rival clan and carnivorous dinosaurs. This one's interesting in that it has no dialogue (as it's set before the advent of language). You also have a heightened sense of smell that allows you to sense things invisible to the player, a cool feature I'm surprised you don't see more often in games.

G) In the near future, a teenage punk with psychic powers must defend his city from a gang of streetpunks and a corrupt corporate entity. In addition to speaking to people normally, you can also read their minds to learn important secrets or hear some dirty comic relief.

After completing each of the seven seemingly-unrelated stories, you unlock the final final two chapters, which tie them all together in a powerful, totally unpredictable way. Oersted may very well be my favorite videogame villain of all time. You get to make a big decision toward the end of the game, which leads to two different endings. The game's battle system is as unique as the story. Battles play out on a grid-based arena, kind of like a simplified version of Final Fantasy Tactics. You have a guaranteed chance of running from random battles (which was especially helpful in that damned prehistoric chapter), and after every battle, your characters all get a full-cure! I can't believe Live a Live wasn't released outside of Japan, as it has some terrific production values. In fact, I think the story and characterization is so good, I would love to see it remade today with fancy cutscenes and talented voice actors. That's right, I dig modern games, too. Most of the time I'm just overcompensating to get younguns into the oldies.

And my SNES is just getting warmed up. Here's Part 2.

Top 20 Simpsons Episodes

Hi-diddly-ho, nerdorinos! No nerd history course would be complete without a lesson on The Simpsons.  What started as short sketches on The Tracey Ullman Show spunoff into the most popular, successful and longest-running animated sitcom of all time, which has aired on Fox for a whopping twenty-two seasons and still counting. Back in the nineties, it attracted an army of devoted fans, including yours truly. I was there on my sofa's ass-groove every evening at 5pm to catch Bart's chalkboard gag. I would often hurry into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal while listening for Lisa's saxophone solo and always returned to my couch just in time to see the Simpsons return to theirs.  What followed was an hour of glorious entertainment: two back-to-back episodes!  My childhood is synonymous with this show.  My friends and I would quote it religiously and even try to stump each other with our own trivia questions.  But by the time I reached high school, I found myself asking...

What happened to you, Simpsons? You used to be cool...

Television shows are like clocks: they have to constantly be changing or everyone will stop looking. There are only so many jokes, so much drama, so many stories you can tell in a particular setting or style. Television writers are smart enough to make changes constantly to keep the show fresh... or at least try to. In the first decade of The Simpsons, the changes were all good. The show got faster, funnier, more attractive and more imaginative. Though the Simpsons themselves never aged, their personalities grew ever-deeper, as did their fellow Springfielders'. But during season ten, it became apparent that the show was getting too fast, too far-fetched and too far away from what it once was. To quote the self-deprecating season 11 episode, Behind the Laughter, “Episodes increasingly resorted to gimmicky premises and nonsensical plots... trendy guest stars were shamelessly trotted out to grab ratings.” That isn't to say there weren't ever any great episodes after season nine; they just became fewer and further between. Nor is the show by any means bad today, it's just too different, and I think most fans agree.

But enough of the bad, let’s get back to the good. The first nine seasons of The Simpsons were so prolific, I could have made a list of my top 200 favorite episodes. But for sanity's sake, I'll stick to twenty.

#20: Krusty Gets Busted
Episode #12 (Season 1)

When Krusty the Clown is arrested for knocking over the Kwik-E-Mart, no one believes he's innocent... except his number one fan. Bart Simpson knows in his heart that the corny comedian would never commit armed robbery, so he attempts to prove Krusty was framed. This episode was a great little mystery that began a lifelong feud between Bart and a criminal mastermind, a recurring subplot that continued throughout the entire series, making this episode mandatory viewing. I really admired Bart's undying devotion to his idol and the rewarding message it brings – imagine getting the chance to become a hero to your hero!

#19: One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish
Episode #24 (Season 2)

After eating improperly prepared Fugu at a Chinese restaurant, Homer has twenty-four hours to live. He makes a bucket list for his last day on Earth, but all his plans go humorously awry. The show's greatest strength was that it could be just as emotional as it was funny. This is a very sad, touching episode that really inspires you to appreciate the gift of life while you still have it. Nearly all of the show's music was composed by the great Alf Clausen, and this episode has some of his finest work.


#18: The Way We Was
Episode #25 (Season 2)

This flashback episode told the story of how Homer and Marge met in high school and very nearly didn't fall in love. Set back in the seventies, it's full of great nostalgia and ironic humor, like Homer laughing at the idea of him ever working at the new nuclear power plant. It was fun to see Homer as a skinny stoner with a full head of hair and Marge as a fiery feminist who wore her hair down. This was another episode that will tickle your heartstrings as much as your funnybone.


#17: Lisa's Wedding
Episode #122 (Season 6)

In this “flash forward” episodes, Lisa meets a fortune teller at a renaissance festival who offers her a glimpse into her future. It was cool to see Bart and Lisa all grown up. After all, they'd been eight and ten for over twenty years. In her mid-twenties, Lisa falls in love with a British man named Hugh who's perfect in every way... except for the fact that he despises Lisa's family. Much like #18, this one had a lot of time-related humor, only the other way around, with jokes about the future. I particularly enjoyed the renaissance version of Danny Elfman's amazing theme song over the closing credits.


#16: Brother From Another Series
Episode #169 (Season 8)

In all five of Sideshow Bob's previous episodes, he would hatch a brilliant murder scheme, and every time, he would be thwarted by a ten year-old named Bart. This episode continued the traditional feud between the two, but with a unique twist. Fans of Frasier (my all-time favorite sitcom) will adore this episode, which is basically one big Frasier spoof. It introduced Sideshow Bob's little brother, Cecil, and the voice actors who played Bob and Cecil also played the Crane brothers on Frasier. This whole episode is full of references and inside jokes, making it a very special, niche episode that only the nerdiest of nerds will understand and appreciate.


#15: Homer the Great
Episode #115 (Season 6)

Homer discovers the Stonecutters, a Freemasons-like secret society with chapters all over the world, including Springfield. This club is so cool! I wanna be a Stonecutter. Members get all sorts of awesome perks, like access to the “real” world history books and garage openers for underground tunnels you can use to bypass traffic jams. Patrick Stewart gueststars as Number One, the leader of the exclusive organization, and they all sing an outstanding musical number called “We Do.” I love how Simpsons characters frequently burst into showstopping songs, and "We Do" was one of the best.


#14: Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment
Episode #171 (Season 8)

After Bart gets drunk and disorderly on St. Patrick's Day, prohibition is reinstated. The incompetent Chief Wiggum is replaced by a terrific one-time villain, chief detective Rex Banner, a hardass hellbent on keeping the town dry (voiced by Dave Thomas). Homer decides to become a beer baron and bootleg booze. It all plays out like a mockumentary, complete with a narrator who speaks with a thick New York accent and thirties slang (also Dave Thomas). Homer is surprisingly smart in this episode – perhaps because his most beloved beverage is at stake. This episode has two of the greatest Homer lines of all time: “I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge......... so long!” and “To alcohol: the cause of and solution to all of life's problems!”


#13: Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
Episode #131 (Season 7)

After a series of funny misunderstandings, Homer and Marge are deemed abusive parents by child welfare and their kids are sent to live with a foster family... the Flanders. While Ned showers the children with a ridiculously religious upbringing, Homer and Marge are treated to a ridiculously common-sense education. It all culminates at the Springfield river, where Homer must must rescue his children before they're baptized! This is a great feel-good episode the whole family should watch together. I still remember seeing this episode as a kid, and telling my dad I wished they would make a live action Simpsons film with Chris Farley as Homer and Phil Hartman as Flanders. I was heartbroken when my dad informed me that both of them had already died. RIP.


#12: Hurricane Neddy
Episode #161 (Season 8)

A hurricane tears through Springfield leaving the town surprisingly unharmed... except Flanders' house, which gets completely demolished. Ned is my favorite non-Simpsons Springfielder. Any episode that revolves around him is a guaranteed winner. It was great to see his backstory and then watch him go from one extreme to the other. In this episode, he finally loses his temper, his faith and his sanity. This story teaches some great life lessons. Bad things do happen to good people. It sucks, but the best way to get over it is to bitch about it.  Keeping things bottled up can only lead to disaster.


#11: The Canine Mutiny
Episode #173 (Season 8)

This one's on par with the greatest dog movies of all time! Bart gets himself a credit card and starts committing mail fraud by ordering expensive items from magazines, including a $1200, professionally-trained border collie. Sure enough, the Lassie lookalike, Laddie, is welcomed warmly into the household, and regarded as far superior to their old family dog, Santa's Little Helper. So when the credit card company catches up with Bart's crimes and come to repossess all his merchandise, including Laddie, Bart gives them Santa's Little Helper instead. Beware: this one's a real heartbreaker.


#10: Treehouse of Horror VI
Episode #134 (Season 7)

Every year since Season 2 the Simpsons did a Halloween special, and they were all so great, I had a hell of a time choosing only one for this list. I love how these episodes were so outrageous that they aren't even considered canon. It gives the writers the freedom to do the most wild, funny things without worrying about the consequences. Only animation could get this creative.  Each episode is a trilogy of short stories, mostly based on Twilight Zone episodes or classic horror films. Treehouse VI was my favorite. It had Attack of the 50 ft. Evesores, in which Homer steals a giant donut from a fast-food statue, which then comes alive to reclaim it; Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace, in which Groundskeeper Willie murders Springfield children in their dreams a la Freddy Krueger; and, my favorite Treehouse of Horror story of all time, Homer (Cubed), in which Homer discovers a portal into the third dimension. The 3D CG may look primitive today, but at the time, it was mind-blowing, especially since it was pre-Toy Story. This was also the only episode to ever incorporate live action.


#9: Who Shot Mr. Burns?
Episodes #128 (Season 6) and #129 (Season 7)

This classic whodunit was the only two-part Simpsons episode ever. In part one, Mr. Burns devises a villainous plot to boost the power plant's profits by blocking out Springfield's sun. At the end of the episode, Mr. Burns is shot... but by who? Everyone in town is a suspect. In part two, the mystery is unraveled. There were some great mystery-themed episodes, but this one easily takes the gold. Get this: part one was the last episode on season six, and part two was the first episode of season seven, so fans had to wait the entire summer to find out who the shooter was. The Simpsons staff had a great time maintaining utmost secrecy, leaking false information to the press and even hosting an online contest for those who wished to submit guesses. Allegedly, only one person guessed the shooter. And although almost no one saw the ending coming, no one was disappointed with the solution. It will send you rushing back to watch part one again to catch all the clues. The biggest clues can be found by pausing the DVD during the quicker shots, like the image above.


#8: Trilogy of Error
Episode #266 (Season 12)

This was the last great episode, in my opinion. The complicated, delicately intricate plot retells the same day from three different perspectives. Homer's Day: his thumb gets cut off and he struggles to find a way to reattach it. Lisa's Day: she must find a way to school so she can enter Linguo, her homemade grammar robot, into the school's science fair. Bart's Day: he and Milhouse get into trouble with the law and Fat Tony's mob after discovering an illegal cache of fireworks. This episode was reminiscient of the film Go, only better. In only twenty-two minutes, the three stories intersect more cleverly and far more frequently than Go did in 103 minutes, and the three stories all tie together in a much more satisfying conclusion.


#7: Three Men and a Comic Book
Episode #34 (Season 2)

The Android's Dungeon gets a rare item in stock: the very first issue of Radioactive Man! When Bart, Milhouse and Martin pool their savings, they have just enough money to purchase it... but then they have to share it. Things get really interesting when they all have a sleepover in Bart's treehouse, and, in a parody of the classic noir-western, Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Bart goes insane with paranoia. This episode introduced Comic Book Guy, Bart's alter ego, Bartman, and a strange room never seen before or again in the Simpsons' house (when the boys are fighting in the treehouse and Homer says “They're fine”).  What room is that?!


#6: Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in “The Curse of the Flying Hellfish”
Episode #150 (Season 7)

Bart's grandpa lets him in on a secret: back in World War II, his squadron stole priceless paintings from a German castle. His squad, the Hellfish, agreed to start a tontine, a contract whereby the sole surviving participant inherits all the artwork. Following a funeral for a fellow vet, the only two remaining Hellfish are Abe Simpson and the treachorous Mr. Burns, who decides to assassinate Abe. This one's very Indiana Jonesy – packed to the brim with spectacular action sequences, including some beautiful underwater animation. It was awesome seeing how badass grandpa Simpson used to be and then seeing him prove he's still got it, even in his old age.


#5: Marge Be Not Proud
Episode #139 (Season 7)

Bart begs his parents to buy him the coolest new videogame for Christmas, Bonestorm, but they can't afford it, so Bart decides to steal it. The mall security catches him shoplifting, and when his parents find out, they're so ashamed, he's practically alienated from the family. This one is a rollercoaster of emotions: it's suspenseful, sad, and ultimately very uplifting. It also introduced the character Gavin, the most rotten, spoiled kid ever, who makes his mother buy two copies of Bonestorm so he won't have to share with his sister.  What a prick.  I love gaming with my sis!


#4: Lisa Gets an “A”
Episode #210 (Season 10)

A cold causes Lisa to reluctantly miss her first day of school. But when she tries one of Bart's videogames (a Crash Bandicoot parody), she gets so addicted that she continues to fake sick the whole week so she can find all the game's hidden collectibles. Then when Marge catches on and forces her to return to class, Lisa is forced to take a test on a book she didn't read.  With some help from Bart and a hysterically professional Nelson, Lisa cheats! Meanwhile, Homer devises a brilliant plan: to purchase a small, $8 lobster and feed it until it becomes a big, $80 lobster that the family can enjoy. But the bigger the lobster grows, the more it grows on Homer, who's already named it Pinchy. Great twists, wacky concepts and a terrific appearance by Gil, the desperate salesman, earned this episode an A+++!


#3: Lisa's Substitute
Episode #32 (Season 2)

When Lisa's teacher, Ms. Hoover, gets lime disease, a substitute teacher fills in: Mr. Bergstrom (voiced by Dustin Hoffman), a fun, intellectual teacher who inspires the children and inadvertantly attracts Lisa's affection. Meanwhile, in the fourth grade, Bart runs against the geeky Martin for class president. To give you an idea of how much this episode means to me, it's the source of my internet alias, Mr. Nerdstrom (one of the ways Bergstrom suggests making fun of his name). This episode is truly inspirational; it's all about the losers. Lisa can't possibly win over the heart of a grown man, and Bart clearly isn't intelligent enough to be class president. But just because you don't win doesn't mean you don't learn.


#2: Bart Gets Hit by a Car
Episode #23 (Season 2)

While skateboarding recklessly through Springfield, Bart is plowed into by Mr. Burns. This episode is full of artistic sequences. Bart actually dies briefly and gets to visit both Heaven and Hell. Later, during the courtroom trial, we see both sides of the story, and both Bart's and Burns' stories are hilariously over-exaggerated. This episode introduced many classic characters, including the shady lawyer Lionel Hutz, the even shadier Dr. Nick Riviera and, my favorite, Burns' snobby lawyer. The stakes were always way higher in the earlier seasons of The Simpsons. In this episode, Homer and Marge's marriage is put to the test. Season two was the best!


#1: Moaning Lisa
Episode #6 (Season 1)

Best. Episode. Ever. It's easy to see why this one is my favorite, with the depression and the music and the videogames and the GLAYVEN!  Lisa has the blues until she discovers the therapeutic power of blues. Meanwhile, Homer tries to beat Bart just once at their favorite videogame. This episode is significant for introducing Lisa’s idol, Bleeding Gums Murphy. It features fantastic writing by both the screenwriters and the songwriters. The script is as witty as it is poignant and the jazz is phenomenal. After this episode, be sure to check out its “sequel," 'Round Springfield (episode #125, season 6).

If I neglected to include your favorite episode, don't have a cow, man. Your homework assignment can be to make your own damn list. Class dismissed!

Top 10 Fictional Staircases

A common theme throughout the fantasy genre are strange, unusual and totally awesome staircases. And yet, their ever-climbing numbers seem to have gone widely overlooked. So hold on tight to your railings, watch your step and follow me as I descend through a list of my top ten favorite fictional staircases, the first time anyone has ever compiled a list on the subject!



#10: The Grand Staircase from Harry Potter

In J.K. Rowling’s books, The Grand Staircase was simply a towering stairwell. But in the films, they decided to spruce it up a bit by turning it into a constantly shifting sets of stairs. It may look cool, but it’s actually very impractical. Think about it: it has the disadvantages of stairs and elevators but the advantages of neither. You have to wait and walk. Can you say fire hazard?


#9: The Steep, Stone Steps from The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

This film was full of bizarre, dreamlike imagery, my favorite of which being ginormous staircase under a beautiful, apocalyptic sky. It reminded me a lot of another fictional staircase, but we'll get to that one later.

#8: The Sparkly Spirals from LOTR: FOTR

When the Lord of the Rings party reach Lothlórien, they’re led up a glowing staircase that circles around a giant tree. It was so effin' sweet that it knocked a very similar Star Wars staircase off the list. Sorry, Ewoks. The Elves' stairs glew in the dark.

#7: The Stairs of Cirith Ungol from LOTR: ROTK

Later in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Gollum leads Frodo and Sam up the steepest staircase ever! This one almost didn't qualify for the list, as I initially thought it didn't meet the prerequisite of actually having steps. But upon rewatching the scene, I found that there are indeed steps, they're just carved into a really steep cliff!


#6: The Smokey Steps from Mary Poppins

Quite possibly my favorite part of the whole film was when Julie Andrews used her magic to create seemingly solid steps out of chimney smoke to connect two distant rooftops. Using smoke to get higher? Yeah, I think we all know how you’re supposed to watch this film.

#5: The Zero-G Stairwell from Relativity by M.C. Escher

 

In this famous drawing, the rules of gravity do not apply. You can't look at it without tilting your head. I always imagined the figures were walking around in a zero-gravity chamber with magnetic shoes on. My favorite part of the drawing is the "top" staircase, where two figures are passing each other at ninety-degree angles. This concept was parodied countless times, in film (Labyrinth), television (The Simpsons) and even videogames (Chrono Chross).


#4: The Stairs of Khazad-Dûm from LOTR: FOTR

The third Lord of the Rings staircase to make the list is also my favorite. What made this one so cool was how old and decrepit it was -- the massive stone steps actually fall apart while the party descends them. They won't be coming back that way!

 

#3: The Stairway to Heaven from The Bible

This biblical staircase, a.k.a. Jacob’s Ladder, first appeared in a dream sequence in the book of Genesis. It's since become the iconic entrance to the Pearly Gates and received countless beautiful depictions in art. I loved it when Bart Simpson died briefly in the episode Bart Gets Hit By a Car -- he boarded an escalator to heaven, and when he spat over the side, it turned into a slide straight down to Hell.

#2: The Penrose Steps

Also known as The Impossible Staircase, the Penrose steps is a 2D depiction of an impossible 3D shape. They appear to loop forever in the same direction. The artist M.C. Escher popularized them in his classic drawing, Ascending and Descending. You can also see the Penrose Steps in films like The Avengers and Inception.

#1: The Endless Stairs from Super Mario 64

By 1996, the concept of a neverending staircase was far from new (in fact, its origin is unknown), but this was the first time us nerds actually got to experience one firsthand, and it was mind-blowing. When I was a kid, I tried running Mario up those steps for like five minutes, only to turn around and find I was still at the bottom. It's a remarkable feat of programming that continues to evoke awe and wonder today. The designers brilliantly chose to include the Shepard Tone on the game's soundtrack, an illusion similar to the Penrose steps, only with sound (the music seems to ascend infinitely as well). In order to revisit the magical staircase, I always keep a save file with more than 50 stars (the minimum amount required to open the stairwell) but less than 70 (which breaks the spell, allowing you to reach the top).

Wow, I'm a nerd.

Top 10 Twilight Zone Episodes

The greatest strength and weakness of an anthology series is that every episode is completely different. This means you get a great variety of short stories, but that the quality inevitably varies, too. Twilight Zone is no exception. Some episodes are amazing. Some… aren’t. But of all the anthology series in television history, TZ was arguably the best and inarguably the most influential. It explored a lot of uncharted storytelling territory and marked the deepest, darkest corner of the nerdverse. Created by Rod Serling, who also served as lead writer and narrator, the show aired from 1959-1964. Combining sci-fi, fantasy and horror, the episodes always gave you weird, disturbing, trippy feelings. The show featured inspired writing, exquisite camerawork, top-notch actors and amazing musical scores. And of course, Serling's greatest trademark was his surprising twist endings (none of which I will spoil here). The show also paved the way for Serling’s masterpiece, Planet of the Apes. There are 156 episodes in the original series, and even though half of them are bound to disappoint by today’s standards (especially during season 4, when they switched to the hour-long format), that still leaves us with plenty of good ones. Submitted for your approval are my personal top ten:


#10: The Eye of the Beholder
Episode #42 (Season 2)

A woman goes in for plastic surgery and comes out with more than she bargained for. All she wants is to be beautiful; anyone's who's ever felt ugly can relate to her pain. Serling was a terrific writer, but the one thing I couldn't stand about him was how often he would add, “...or something,” to his dialogue. Seriously, you can hear the phrase at least once in almost every episode he wrote. It'd be hilarious to see a montage of “or something” clips on Youtube.


#9: The Long Morrow
Episode #135 (Season 5)

An astronaut named Stansfield is sent to explore a planet 140 light-years away. To survive the voyage, his body will be kept in some sort of suspended animation freezing chamber or something. The catch is, Stansfield’s got a gnarly piece of poontang back on Earth, and when he returns, she will have aged forty years, while he'll have only aged a couple weeks. T-minus an hour before liftoff, the couple promise each other the mission won’t affect their relationship... or will it? This futuristic Romeo and Juliet featured what has to be the saddest character of all time. And 140 light-years has gotta be the record for a long-distance relationship.


#8: Nightmare at 20,000 Feet
Episode #123 (Season 5)

William Shatner (who would later star as Kirk in Star Trek) plays a nervous airplane passenger who starts seeing some kind of creature on the wing of the plane... Yikes! This one is super suspenseful. Sure, the creature looks like Mario in a Tanuki suit or something, but the episode is so well directed, you'll feel like you're actually on that plane, and the writing is so clever, you're never sure if what's happening is real or just in his head. But it's The Shat who steals the show with his gripping performance. This was one of the episodes they remade for Twilight Zone: The Movie, which boasted superior special effects but inferior execution. Even the newer Twilight Zone series failed to recapture the magic of the originals.


#7: To Serve Man
Episode #89 (Season 3)

Creepy, nine-foot aliens called the Kanamits land on Earth, offering mankind all sorts of radically advanced technology to end all of our planet's problems, from famine to war. But we Earthlings aren't capable of trusting a race that would help others simply out of the kindness of their hearts. The humans attempt decoding the Kanamits' language thinking they'll discover some ulterior motive or something. But what they end up finding is one of the most brilliant revelations in the show's history.


#6: Walking Distance
Episode #5 (Season 1)

Martin Sloan revisits his hometown and is surprised to find that nothing has changed. Gee, you'd think the town would have at least expanded or something. Everyone looks strangely familiar, they still drive old-fashioned automobiles and chocolate sodas still cost only a dime... get it yet? This one evokes deep feelings of nostalgia and childhood longing, but also warns you of the consequences of living in the past and inspires you enjoy the present.


#5: Stopover in a Quiet Town
Episode #150 (Season 5)

More like “hangover in a quiet town.” After a long night of drinking, a couple awake in a strange house in an even stranger town with no idea how they got there. This one really keeps you guessing. First I thought they were in Hell. Then I thought they were in Area 51 or something. I love when the show used those creative, oldschool special effects. They still pack a powerful punch, perhaps because there weren't a lot of special effects back then. Thus, when you do see them, they have more shock value than modern, computer-generated effects do, because we're so used to seeing them in movies today. But back in the olden days, special effects were actually special and effective.


#4: It's a Good Life
Episode #73 (Season 3)

It's a good episode. The residents of a small town in Ohio live in a constant state of fear, for their village is ruled by a monster with unlimited powers... a six year-old boy named Anthony Freemont. This is one of the scariest episodes. Just imagine omnipotence in the hands of a simple-minded child. Bill Mummy is perfect as the psychic little psycho. The townspeople are constantly complimenting him and trying their best not to even think bad thoughts about him, or something bad will happen to them, for Anthony can even read their minds. Watching him, you actually get terrifying feelings of being thought-police'd, which, who knows, may even become a reality someday. Many TZ episodes featured unhappy or unresolved endings, which younger viewers are bound to find disappointing, having grown so accustomed to cliché, happy Hollywood endings. To them I offer this rebuttal.


#3: People are Alike All Over
Episode #25 (Season 1)

After landing on Mars, an astronaut discovers a race of people that seem just like us... or are they? Serling always wanted to write about relevant social issues or something controversial, which was a big no-no for television in the sixties. But by setting his stories in science-fiction, Serling could tackle any issue he wanted to, metaphorically. It's like "poli-sci-fi!" This episode is so mind-opening, it actually changed my views on the issue it addresses. But I shall say no more, for I wouldn't dare give away the twist ending, which is so good, not even the most experienced fans will see it coming. However, astute nerds will spot a Pac-Man cameo in the background-- twenty years before the arcade game!


#2: A Game of Pool
Episode #70 (Season 3)

Jesse is a cocky young pool shark who wishes he could play the legendary Fats Brown: the greatest pool player who ever lived. The problem is, Fats is already dead. But one night while Jesse's shooting at the pool hall, his wish comes true, and Fats' ghost appears from beyond the grave to challenge Jesse. The stakes: life or death. You get to see some really impressive pool shots in this episode, including an incredible triple bank. But the highlight is actually the rich dialogue and clever ending. Highly recommended for anyone who ever dreamed of being the best at a game, or something else of a competitive nature.


#1: A Penny for your Thoughts
Episode #52 (Season 2)

Flip a coin. Half the time, it will land on heads, half the time, tails, right? If so, what are the odds it will land on its side? In this episode, a young banker achieves those unlikely odds, and suddenly gains the ability to hear people's thoughts. Many TZ episodes were loosely adapted into feature-length films. The Whole Truth was about a car salesman who is cursed with the inability to lie, which was a lot like Liar, Liar; Living Doll reminded me of Child's Play; Walking Distance was reminiscient of Back to the Future, and The Gift was similar to E.T. This particular episode seemed to be the inspiration for What Women Want? It's a surprisingly comical episode, but it quickly turns serious when the young banker “overhears” another employee planning to pull an inside job. I found this to be the most perfectly crafted episode. It had it all: supernatural powers, a love story, comic relief, a character arc and a twist... Strangely, it happens to be one of the many episodes on this list not written by Serling. Maybe I should rearrange them or something.


Next month on Nerd History 101, I'll be counting down my favorite Simpsons episodes! Boy, writing all these reviews isn't easy. When I get writer's block, I like to sell out and advertise cigarettes to kids.