5 Great Videogames to Play During Sex

Guys, don’t you hate it when you’re bangin’ a chick, she’s taking FOREVER to orgasm, you’re trying hard not to, and all the while you just wish you could get back to playing videogames? Well, sex is about to get 100 times better for both of you! Here are five different kinds of games that are easy to play while you “joystick” your princess. She may object to the idea at first, but after showing her how long you can last while multi-tasking, she’ll be begging you for a good game-and-fuck every time. Who knows? Maybe she’ll even want in on the “action!”


#5: One-Handed Games

Arcadian games like Pac-Man and Frogger only require one free hand to play. And just how many hands does your bitch need? Many simplistic computer games can be played with only the mouse. How embarrassing would it be to your online Chess opponent if you could checkmate them while you chick-mate? As for console games, go into the options menu and customize a controller scheme to match your favorite position.

#4: Button-Mashing Games

If your girl is the kind that demands both hands on her at all times, this is the perfect rebuttal. Button-mashing games only require one finger! And if she demands all ten fingers, she’s too needy, bro. Button-mashing while you butt-mash is a great way to earn money in gambling mini-games. Nothing like getting paid while you’re getting laid! Sure, you’re not making real money, but chances are you’re not making real love, either. You could even let her get on top, stick the controller under your ass and let her do the work!

#3: Metal Gear Solid Games

Notorious for their intolerably long cut-scenes, the MGS games are more like half-videogames, half-movies. Nobody cares about the stories in those games, but nobody wants to skip the cut-scenes either, as they do occasionally contain important information. The short films are typically around ten minutes long, which should be way more than enough time to satisfy your hoe. The further you get in the series, the more frequent and endless the cut-scenes become -- MGS4 has cut-scenes that last over an hour! But dividing your attention is a great way to prevent you from blowing your load, and I suspect these games were designed for just that purpose. After all, the protagonist's name is Solid Snake.

#2: Waiting Games

This one’s for the ladies. I know how much you females love simulation games -- probably because they require such little skill. Many sim games require you to spend copious amounts of time with the game on, whether you’re actually doing anything or not. This allows your cities to develop, cash to flow and pets/children/plants to grow without ever having to interfere. If it’s a computer game, you can leave it on 24/7 and only monitor it occasionally. But if it’s a console game, the playtime has to be limited so you don’t start a house-fire, which gives you the perfect opportunity to make some heat with your man while your console overheats. And dudes, if your she-devil insists you unplug the games before you plug into her, you better march right into the other room, log her off Farmville, close her Sims 3 window and break open her Tamagotchi.

#1: Automatic Games

Similar to “waiting games” only manlier, “automatic games” are the ultimate games to have on while you get it on. Role-playing/strategy games like Ogre Battle and Final Fantasy Tactics feature an “auto-battle” feature, allowing AI to fight the battle for you. This is very convenient, considering the battles can take up to a half hour. All you have to do is get in a battle before you get in your woman and you’re good to go, as long as you keep one eye on the screen. Sometimes, role-playing/hack-and-slash games feature endless swarms of easy enemies, which is a great way to level up if you have an autofire controller/tape a button down and leave the game running (Final Fantasy VI, Gauntlet Legends). But beware: autopilot can be risky. If the tables turn in-game, you’ll have to pull out, which may cause your lover to accuse you of (how did she put it?) “ruining the moment.”

Top 5 Game Boy Games

I'm not a big fan of handheld systems. I don’t mind the microscopic screens, the vampiric need for fresh batteries or the fact that they’re a step backward, technologically. No, what I resent is the game selection. To balance out the advantage of portability, it seems 99% of handheld games are nothing more than inferior wanabes of great console games. ALL the popular series got lesser remakes on the Game Boy. It’s as if these trashy games were just meant to hold you over on trips until you got home to the real thing again. Like a hooker. Yeah, the Game Boy did have Tetris, but having already read my previous lists, you all know that was originally an arcade game and thus doesn’t qualify here. However, the nineties were such a great decade for videogames that even the sexist cinder block with black-and-white -- er, black-and-green graphics had a handful of great titles.


#5: Kwirk
1989/90

You may tomato, I say Kwirk. Everyone knows Tetris, but who’s ever heard of Kwirk?! NO ONE, that’s who, which is a total bummer, because Kwirk is infinitely superior. That’s right, I said it, and I’ll say it again: Tetris is overrated! *flinch* Sure, Tetris may have been a classic arcade game, but it’s just so simplistic, I hardly consider it a puzzle game at all. It merely tests your reflexes, whereas true puzzle games (like Kwirk) challenge your brain. And while the Game Boy version of Tetris did introduce the classic theme song, it couldn’t even save your high scores. Kwirk is very similar to the Lolo games on the NES. The title character is a tomato in shades tasked with completing a series of puzzles to save his girlfriend-tomato so they go back to making sweet, beautiful Ketchup. There are three different modes. “Going Up?” is the main game, a linear series of thirty puzzles, ten per difficulty. These diabolical little brain-ticklers consist of boxes that can be pushed but not pulled, pits which can be filled with boxes and revolving turnstiles. Some rooms feature a second vegetable character, requiring you to switch back and forth between the two in order to guide them both to the exit. These puzzles are brilliant but extremely difficult, requiring a lot of trial and error. Thankfully, you can undo up to eight moves or simply redo the entire level whenever you want. There’s also a level select, which more than compensates for a lack of a save feature, as it also allows you to skip a level if you’re too retarded to figure it out. The second mode is “Heading Out?” which allows you to play however many puzzles you want on random. I never played much of it, but I suppose it’s a good time-killer if you’re on a long trip and have already beaten the main game. Finally, there’s “Vs. Mode,” which allows you to race another player (via link cable) to see who can complete puzzles faster. But let’s be honest, if you’re linking two Game Boys together, it’s gonna be for Pokémon. Still, Kwirk is a great little puzzler that should always take priority over Tetris on vacations.

#4: Kirby’s Dream Land
1992

King Dedede stole all the food from Dream Land and everyone’s gonna starve unless Kirby steals it all back! How did this game not win Best Screenplay?! Oh, I forgot, Super Mario Kart came out the same year. The first-ever Kirby game is so old, the balloony bastard doesn’t even have his trademark ability to steal powers from enemies. All you can do is suck them, followed by spitting or swallowing -- damn, Kirby games are dirty! The lack of the copy ability actually adds a good element of challenge to a series that would later become too devoid of difficulty. In most Kirbies, all the powers allowed you to just walk through enemies (and bosses). But the original forced you to be more resourceful, using enemies against each other, and bosses required you to successfully evade their attacks until they gave you an object to shoot back at them. As usual, Kirby can fly forever, so the game’s still a piece of cake. The easy gameplay, mixed with a happy, upbeat soundtrack makes it an irresistible little feel-good game that’s guaranteed to cheer you up and give you the false impression that you rock at videogames. Kirb’s one of the most recognizable videogame characters ever, but get this: his model was created only as a temporary sprite to testrun the levels until the artists actually gave him more detail. But, as history’s proven, simplicity rules! The only problem with this game is its measly serving of five levels. Beating the game unlocks a higher difficulty level, but even that will leave you hungry.

#3: Kirby’s Dream Land 2
1994/95

Recipe for Kirby's Dream Land 2:

1) Take Kirby's Dream Land
2) Add 26 more levels.
3) Add a save feature.
4) Add animal buddies.
5) Add collectibles.

The pink pussy returns to thwart King Dedede. Again. It’s no surprise why this game won Best Screenplay, 1994. Take that, Final Fantasy VI. Okay, so the story’s nonexistent, but that's not why we play 8-bit games. That's like eating a great restaurant and criticizing the lack of decor. With a whopping 31 levels, Dream Land 2 made the original feel like an appetizer. It was actually the third Kirby game (the in-betweener being Kirby’s Adventure on the NES), and it continued many of the concepts introduced in Adventure, like the copy ability and collectibles (YUM!). The game introduced three animal friends that Kirby could ride on once he rescues them. There’s Rick, a hamster that runs fast and doesn’t slip on ice, Coo, an owl that can fly against the wind and allows Kirby to inhale midair, and Kine, a fish that can swim against currents and allows Kirby to inhale underwater. Your special power is also enhanced when riding an animal. For example, Kirby alone can only use the fire power horizontally. But when riding Rick, he can also use it vertically, allowing him to melt ice blocks above him. There are seven Rainbow Pieces hidden throughout the game (one in each world), and some can only be obtained with the right combination of power and animal. If you get all seven pieces and beat the game, you unlock a new weapon, a new boss AND a new ending! Talk about a great dessert.

#2: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
1993

Like a dog that pisses on every fire hydrant, Nintendo just had to mark every console with a classic Zelda game. Showoffs. But of all the games in the series, this one actually surprised me the most. It was a very ambitious, unique game that truly overcame the Game Boy’s limitations. Unlike the other Zelda titles, this one wasn't set in Hyrule. There’s no Zelda, no Ganon, and no Triforce. Instead, it’s set on Koholint Island, where Link is stranded until he can wake the Wind Fish, which can only be done by gathering the eight Wind Instruments. Why are these games called Legend of Zelda, anyway? It should be Legend of Link! That bitch doesn't do shit! Link's Awakening featured an exclusive Zelda item: the Feather (actually from Super Mario Kart), which allowed Link to jump! The game also featured a customizable button scheme for your items, and two items could be used at once -- you can guard with your shield while you swing your sword; using bombs with the bow ‘n arrow fires an explosive arrow; and with the Pegasus Boots and Feather, you can get a running start and jump huge pits! But where the game really shines are in its dungeons. The complex, brilliant designs are truly the best in the entire series, featuring some clever puzzles that require real intelligence. The game has a comedic script full of references to other Nintendo games including Mario, Kirby and SimCity. The only downfall is that the game suffers from being sandwiched between the two all-time best Zelda games: Link to the Past and Ocarina of Time. Thus, people tend to not take this one as seriously since the Game Boy theoretically lacked the same potential as the consoles. But believe me, Link’s Awakening met the challenge head-on, becoming my third-favorite in the series.

#1: Pokémon

1996

Step aside, Mickey, there's a new mouse in town. This simple, complex and extremely addictive RPG was about capturing wild creatures called Pokémon and training them to fight each other. Two versions of the game were released simultaneously: Red and Blue (which were Red and Green in Japan). Though the versions were largely identical, each contained Pokémon that the other version did not. The idea was to find other kids with the opposite version and trade them with a link cable so you could “catch ‘em all.” The link cable also allowed you to fight each other -- the highlight of the game. I will never forget the “Pokémania” that swept across my school in the mid-nineties. All the cool kids were playing Game Boys at recess (and even under the desk in class). The game brought a whole generation of gamers together in person instead of isolating them at home.

Despite being controversial for promoting evolution and animal cruelty, the game became un-fucking-believably popular, leading to a dozen sequels, an animated TV show, a card game and virtually every type of merchandise imaginable. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are Pokémon sex products. After all, Pokémon does stand for “Pocket Monsters.” I can just picture the ads for Pokéviagra: “Turn that Magikarp into a Gyarados!” There’s probably even Pokémon birth control. I’d wear a Diglett condom.

Today, there are like 500 Pokémon; most of them uninspired variations of the old ones. But back in the day, there were only 151, and I still know them all by heart. The creatures were very imaginative, like something out of a Dr. Seuss poem, with memorable names like Charmander, Bulbasaur and Squirtle. Each Pokémon had a different “type,” and battles primarily depended on exploiting your opponent’s weaknesses, like using water types against fire types. If you want to complete your Pokédex, you’ll need at least two other friends to play through the game simultaneously, or you'll have to convince some vets to dust off their old Game Boys to make the necessary trades.

The replay value is endless -- even after you beat the game and collect all 151, you’ll still spend hours preparing for and dueling your friends with different teams. I'm normally very against resorting to the internet for help, especially before beating a game. But this is one of the very few games where I think online resources actually benefit the experience. There's just such a burning desire to be the very best and yet it's so difficult and time-consuming to weed out all the good Pokémon and movepools from the bad. After all, in the world of Pokémon (which is full of fellow Pokémon trainers, collectors and researchers), it's only realistic that an abundance of information would be made available to you.

On a side note, the best way to duel your friends was on Pokémon Stadium, an N64 game that came bundled with a transfer pack, allowing you to upload your Pokémon from the Game Boy and compete in gorgeous, 3D battles narrated by an epic announcer. “WOW! IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!” You can even use Stadium to store extra items! But the fact that the original 8-bit Pokémon games became so successful during the heyday of the powerful N64 and Playstation is a testament to the eternal appeal of oldschool games.

Up next: My Top 50 SNES Games.

Top 20 NES Games: Part 2

This is Part 2, noobs. Check out Part 1 first.
#10: Super Mario Bros.
1985/86

Doo-doo, doo, doo-doo, DOO! Gotta love that theme song. And no, my list isn’t upside down. Often ranked the #1 greatest game of all time, this revolutionary milestone saved the videogames from The Crash. True, if not for Super Mario Bros., some other game would have revived the industry, but I can't imagine a better hero than Mario. He marked the return of videogames by defining the platforming genre and laying the groundwork for all games to follow. The Mario universe is such a wonderfully wacky world, full of strange creatures and absurd logic. But it’s all so unique and memorable, even casual gamers know: you jump on enemy’s heads to kill them; shrooms make you grow; and collecting 100 coins gives you a 1up. To rescue Princess Toadstool, you’ll play through underground levels, sky levels a.k.a. “high levels,” water levels, ice levels that, humorously, aren’t even slippery (the programmers hadn’t figured that out yet), and of course, the Castles, which require you to memorize the correct path or you’ll magically end up back at the beginning. You’ll see all the familiar baddies: goombas, koopas, pirahna plants, lakitus, hammer bros., and of course, the perverted turtle-dragon that would never tire of cock-blocking the poor plumber. Bowser was the definitive boss battle. There’s great foreplay: his fireballs come flying at you before you even reach him. And when you finally do, the music changes to heighten the climax. Bowser’s horns defend himself against Mario’s main attack (jump), forcing you to find an alternative means of killing him, unless, like me, you're awesome enough to reach him with fireballs. I never thought about it before, but if that axe switch crumbles the bridge, why doesn’t Bowser simply pull it on Mario? Holy shit-balls. I just lost all respect for this game.


#9: Super Mario Bros. 2
1987/88

This game’s gotten a lot of heat it doesn’t deserve, mainly for its controversial history. Get this: it wasn’t even a Mario game in Japan. It was Yume Kōjō: Doki Doki Panic. But when the real Mario 2 bombed in the East, Nintendo decided not to release it in the West. Instead, they converted Doki Doki Panic into “Mario 2” by replacing the four playable characters (a father, mother, daughter and son) with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Toad. Smooth. Gamers who didn't know the skinny lauded the game for its odd departure from the Mario Bros. formula, and many who did know deemed the game a lie and a ripoff (although Doki Doki Panic was actually made by Nintendo). Anyway, those who just played the damn game with an open mind know how great it really was. You get to choose between the aforementioned characters before every level, each with different jumping abilities. I always went with the princess because she could hover! What an airhead. Instead of jumping on enemies to kill them, you had to pick up other objects to use as weapons, like vegetables, shells and even other enemies. Despite the fact it wasn’t originally a Mario game, it introduced quite a few enemies that ironically became regulars in the series, like bob-ombs, shy guys and pokeys. The final boss is a giant toad (not Bowser, surprisingly), whom you get to kill by force-feeding him veges while he tries to vommit on you. That alone should convince you this game is underrated.


#8: StarTropics
1990

Man, I love that title. Makes me picture myself on the beach of a tropical planet, sipping an interstellar beverage from a three-breasted alien. Ah... where was I? Oh yeah, the StarTropics review. It’s known as a Zelda clone, but in my opinion, StarTropics is better than either of the Zelda games on the NES. To be fair, both were good, but not great enough to warrant inclusion here. Zelda only set foot in the adventure genre. StarTropics planted the flag on the summit. You play as Mike, a young adventurer out to find your missing uncle who was kidnapped by “EVIL ALIENS!” In your yellow submarine, you travel between a cluster of tropical islands exploring caves, solving puzzles and slaughtering enemies with atypical weapons like a yoyo, slingshot and baseball bat. It’s a humorous game that also makes you think. At one point, you’re even prompted to “dip the letter in water” to reveal the secret message -- a letter that actually came with the game that, when dipped in water, revealed the code you need to progress. If you bought the game used like I did, you’ll have to look online for the code. I'd tell you what it is, but that would deprive you the joy of systematically guessing all 999 of the possible three-digit passwords. It’s a very challenging game, but it’s worth it. Not only for the satisfaction; the ending is the best on the NES.


#7: Mega Man
1987

The first in the series is still one of the best. There’s something very pure about it. The six robot masters and their powers are just so classic. Probably because Capcom was able to go with such basic powers like Fire Man and Ice Man, as opposed to later on in the series, when they desperately resorted to random ideas like Pharaoh Man and Hard Man (heh). My favorite powers in this entry were the Thunderbeam, which fired in three directions at once; the Ice Slasher, which froze enemies in place as well as fiery obstacles; and the Magnet Beam, which created platforms for you to jump on! The boss battles are excellent. In addition to the six robot masters, there’s also a Mega Man clone who mimics you and a Cycloptic Rock Monster who breaks into smaller pieces and shoots across the room before reforming on the other side. The Cyclops and Guts Man would reprise their roles many times throughout the series. I love how these early NES titles had an arcade-style “point-system,” like they thought people still gave a shit about competing for a high score on home consoles. Come on, that was so two videogame-generations ago.


#6: Mega Man II
1988/89

Number two is widely regarded as the best, and for obvious reasons. It introduced many trademark concepts, such as energy tanks, a password feature and better mechanics, like being able to jump higher when underwater and brief invincibility when you get damaged. The game also bumped the boss count up from 6 to the standard 8, and it was the first to feature the title character’s famous theme song. I waited until now to discuss the Mega Man music. Holy fuck. The series has some of the best techno and metal instrumentals you will ever hear, in videogames or otherwise. The coolest weapons were the Leaf Shield, a protective barrier that could then be fired as a weapon; Item 2, which was basically the hoverboard from Back to the Future II; and the almighty Metal Blade, the best weapon in any Mega Man game. It was too good. It could fire mega-powerful saws in any direction, including diagonally, and it took up hardly any weapon energy. They’re so good that when you fight Metal Man again in Wily’s Fortress, his own weapon kills him in one hit! Unlike a lot of other platformers, Mega Man games are really intelligently designed for intelligent gamers. You can’t just run your way through the levels like in Mario or blast your way through the levels like in Contra. You actually have to think, which I believe is the reason Mega Man has less but bigger fans than Mario.


#5: Metal Storm
1991

In this shrapnel-shreddin' shooter, you pilot a ninja-like mech sent to battle an evil computer system in outer space. You can run, jump, duck, shoot in 4 directions… seems like your everyday platformer… until you inevitably press “up” and “jump” at the same time and accidentally discover the game’s brilliant gimmick…



Yeah, at any point in any level, you can flip upward and land on the ceiling, or vise-versa. It’s, to this day, a highly original concept, and the whole game is built around it, like a hazardous playground. Flipping gravity also effects different enemies and objects. Though there are only six levels, each features its own unique characteristic. Level 2 is full of gates that open and close whenever you flip gravity, and level 6 has a wrap-around mechanic on the top and bottom of the screen (picture Mario jumping into a pit, then dropping down from the sky). The game’s quite difficult, mainly because it take some practice to master the “flipping” technique. After all, it’s not often you play a game where you run around on ceilings, duck upward and jump downward (other than Gravity Man's stage in MM5). But the difficulty is never too frustrating, thanks to perfect controls, great powerups, checkpoints, passwords and infinite continues. Throw in a rockin’ soundtrack and epic boss battles and you’ve got one action-packed package, not to mention a game that could only work in 2D.

#4: Mega Man III
1990

Finally, we reach my favorite of the six. The third MM game introduced Rush, the "slide" move and Protoman. Rush was Mega Man’s robotic-canine-sidekick, who could transform into different objects to help you. He could be Rush Spring, a coil to bounce you up to higher areas, Rush Marine, an underwater vehicle, and my favorite, Rush Jet, which was much like the hoverboard from MM2, only you got perfect control over it instead of having to ride it nonstop in one direction. You could use the jet anywhere, even in boss rooms! The “slide” move was great for slipping through tight spaces, traveling fast and dodging enemy attacks (which was very convenient, seeing as how Mega Man was never before able to duck). The most bitchin’ weapons were the Shadow Blades, ninja stars that boomerang’d back, Search Snakes, which slithered across the ground and up walls, and Magnet Missiles, which homed in on your enemies. The game also introduced the mysterious Break Man, better known as Proto Man. Is he a good guy or a bad guy? You’ll have to beat the game to find out. If I still haven’t converted you to a Mega Man fan, you can get all six of these games (and more) for the price of one: the Mega Man Anniversary Collection, available for many consoles. Best collection ever!

#3: Super Mario Bros. 3
1988/90

After the Mario 2 scandal, Nintendo more than redeemed themselves with the best Mario game yet! Mario 3 just had so much to offer. For the first time, the plumber could carry items, fly and play with his brother, Luigi! New enemies included chain chomps, boos, thwomps and the Koopa Kids, Bowser’s seven bastard children. There are eight huge worlds, each with their own theme: ice world, pipe world, giant world, etc., with a total of over seventy awesome levels. In addition to the classic powerups, there are over a dozen new ones, including a frog suit, which gives you amazing swimming skills; a hammer bros. suit, which lets you lob sledgehammers; and a leaf, which turns you into a raccoon, allowing you to fly -- yeah, because that makes sense. Miyamoto was definitely at Woodstock. Some items can only be used on the world map, like Juglem’s Cloud, which lets you skip right over a level, and the whistle from Zelda, which lets you warp past entire worlds. My favorite item was Kuribo’s Shoe, a powerup that allowed you to walk safely on sharp surfaces! Sadly, level 5-3 was only time in any Mario game this bitchin’ item ever appeared. What happened to that amazing shoe?! It sure would’ve came in handy on level 8-6! The coolest part of all was that you could save all these items in an inventory and use them later. To top it all off, there are three mini-games, including a port of the original Mario Bros. arcade game, where you can battle a friend. Speaking of 2-player, this is one of the best trade-off co-op games ever. It’s family tradition for my sister and I to play through it annually. I always “accidentally” die on levels before the mushroom houses so she has to beat the level and I get to steal the powerup. Sorry, sis!

#2: Adventures of Lolo
1988/89

You may recognize Lolo as a recurring boss in the Kirby games. But few know that the cross-eyed blue M&M was once the star of the greatest puzzle game of all time! Adventures of Lolo is actually a compilation of all the best levels from Japan’s Eggerland series. You're trying to rescue your girlfriend, Lala, who's being held prisoner in a castle filled with 11x11-room puzzles. It’s a perfect example of how great oldschool games could be -- the kind of game you could introduce to someone who thinks “old games suck” to win them over. If you ask me, the same rule applies to videogames and women: graphics don’t matter. Maybe that’s just what 8-bit guys say. The point is, Lolo may look plain, but it’s among the deepest and most brilliant games ever made. The puzzles are so ingenious, you actually feel yourself exercising brain muscles you never knew you had while solving them. I used to draw puzzles like these for my friends back in junior high and had no idea they drew on identical concepts from Lolo, so finding this game was a dream come true. As you progress, the game introduces new enemies, objects and items, but there are no tutorials, no hints, and no training wheels. You have to figure it all out for yourself, which is half the fun. If you corner yourself or simply want to restart the level, you can commit suicide with the select button (bet you’ve never seen that before). You get infinite continues, which, trust me, you’ll need. You’ll be replaying these levels multiple times. There are some real chin-scratchers that I guarantee would stump even those with the highest IQ. You're bound to think, "this red M&M bitch ain't worth it!" But no matter how stumped you get, do NOT resort to the internet for help. Because when you finally figure it out (and you will), you get the most wonderful sense of accomplishment. And the feeling you get from completing the entire game is indescribable.

#1: Adventures of Lolo 2
1990

HAL Labs did the impossible. They actually made a Lolo game better than the first! And this wasn’t just another slice of the Eggerland series, this was a brand new loaf, baby. The second game has even better puzzles, more of them, and a few new surprises up its sleeve. Lolo 2 is not only superior in the problem-solving department; it also features much more action! When you’re not staring at the screen trying to figure out how the fuck to pass a Medusa without a box to shield you, you’ll be outrunning Rockies trying to corner you, seeking constant cover from Don Medusas’ fire and even facing off against King Egger in a final boss battle! His name's really Egger -- I'm not just a hick trying to spell "Edgar." Lolo 2 is more difficult than the first but also more fun. I’ll never forget a dia-fucking-bolical little brainteaser I was stuck on for hours before realizing the deceptively-simple solution. If you’re at all a fan of puzzle games, you simply must play these. Hell, even if you’re not a fan of puzzle games you should try ‘em. To get a taste of Lolo, look up Acno's Energizer, a free, online Flash game with similar gameplay. I think the Lolo games should be used as placement tests in schools, or at least made available in the computer labs to increase students’ problem-solving abilities. Parents! These are the kind of games your kids should grow up with, not Wii (Prefer Indoor) Sports and Modern (Methods of Training Children for) Warfare. There was a third Lolo and it was dece, though not on par with the first two; just more of the same, with pointless new features, like tutorials (weak), choice in level order (though they all must be beaten) and being able to play as either Lolo or Lala (though they function identically). Surprisingly, the trilogy has gone extremely overlooked. In all my research, I’ve only come across them once, in an old, tattered issue of a Nintendo Power magazine. So, pssst! Lolo rocks. Pass it on.

Up next: My Top 5 Game Boy Games.

Top 20 NES Games: Part 1

After the golden age of arcade games came the first home consoles. I’m skipping over the first and second generations of videogame consoles, like the Odyssey and the Ataris. I'm sorry, the primitive technology just wasn't yet capable of greatness (other than the home versions of Pong, of course). Those shitty consoles and their shitty games led to the Videogame Crash of 1983/84, nearly killing the industry as we know it! Fortunately, in 1985, videogames were saved by the original Nintendo. It was the first great console, in this gamer’s opinion. Many of the now-classic franchises got their start on the NES. Although some of the originals haven’t aged as well (Final Fantasy, Metroid and Zelda), many of them are still great today. The 8-bit wonder had such a large library there are plenty of overlooked games as well. I bet this list contains titles even the most elite retro gamers haven’t heard of. Best of all, NES games are cheap! You can buy every game on this list for $15 or less. Note: in order to qualify for this list (and all to follow), the game had to be originally released for the designated console, rather than a port.

#20: Duck Hunt
1984/85

One of the early first-person-shooters, Duck Hunt came packaged with the Zapper Light Gun, a gun accessory which allowed you to shoot an infrared beam at the screen. There’s no end to the gameplay, but it’s a bitchin' little arcade-style game to compete against friends with for a high score. You can even have a friend control the duck with the other controller. Pros can try their aim at "2 ducks" or "clay pidgeons." Then, of course, there’s The Dog. When you shoot a bird down, The Dog loyally retrieves your kill. But if you miss, the stupid mutt snickers at you! Naturally, everyone’s reaction is to shoot The Dog, but he’s invulnerable. Otherwise, the game’s hit detection is very realistic, requiring true accuracy, unless you’re sitting a foot away from the screen like I do. Who the hell hunts with a pistol, anyway? I duck taped a magnifying glass on the end of my Zapper to spread the infrared beams, effectively turning my Zapper pistol into a Zapper shotgun. Take that, duck-fucks! Now I just have to find a way to kill that damn dog…

#19: Mega Man VI
1993/94

Their were six Mega Man games on the NES, and bet your ass every one of them made this list. The series is amazing! They all followed the same basic story: the evil Dr. Wily is trying to take over the world with a bunch of robots, and it’s up to Dr. Light’s robot, Mega Man, to defeat them all. You always start at a Brady Bunch screen of robot masters to choose the order you play the levels, which was a big departure from linear games of the era. And after defeating each robot master, you obtained their weapon. Ah, the weapons. This was the highlight of the games, as every game featured a whole new arsenal of badass toys. Of the six original games, MM6 was my least favorite, though that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a great game. However, unlike the other five, which all managed to be fresh and inventive, 6 was the only one in that felt like a rehash of an old (albeit solid) formula with only minor tweaks, like all the Zelda games after Ocarina. It seemed the series was running out of gas, which in fact, couldn’t be further from the truth. The reason this game was so rushed was because Capcom was simultaneously rebooting the series on the SNES with Mega Man X. But that’s another story for another day. Mega Man 6 still holds a special place in my heart, mainly because YOU GET A FUCKING JETPACK!

#18: Dr. Mario
1990

Apparently, Mario got tired of burning plants and shrooms and decided to get a medical degree so he could write himself “prescription” drugs. Doc was a Tetris-like puzzle game where you again manipulate falling objects, only this time, they’re megavitamins and you’re going for colors instead of rows. The goal in each level is to defeat all the viruses, which is done by connecting them with three-in-a-row of the same color. If your vitamins pile up too high, you’ll obstruct the mouth of the medicine bottle and lose. Everyone calls this a puzzle game, which I feel is only half-true. Puzzles have a take-your-time pace and test your problem solving abilities. Doc, on the other hand, has a hurry-the-fuck-up pace and tests your eye for patterns. It’s more like an action-puzzle game. It should come with a Surgeon General’s Warning -- it’s more addictive than tobacco, and that catchy theme song will be stuck in your head long after you stop poppin' the pills.

#17: Adventures in the Magic Kingdom
1990

Mickey, Donald and Goofy have to find all six keys to Cinderella’s castle and they need your help! In other words, you need to beat mini-games based on actual theme park attractions. There’s Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion, both classic platformer levels, Big Thunder Mountain, a rip-roaring rollercoaster, Autopia, an Indianapolis-style racecar track, Space Mountain, a psychedelic reaction test, and the non-ride Disney trivia, requiring you to answer eight questions correctly about classic Disney films (from over fifty random questions). These mini-games rock! However, they're not easy. I died about a dozen times on every ride before I beat it. I was beginning to think the game was way too hard until I realized the pause screen happened to include a shop where you can buy things like health, extra lives and invincibility. Needless to say, this makes the game a bit easier. But it still doesn’t make me ever want to visit the real Magic Kingdom -- those rides seem dangerous! My ex-girlfriend saw this at a retro game store and begged me to buy it for her. I assumed since I’d never heard of it and the market audience was boobless girls, it must be garbage. Luckily she talked me into it -- I ended up loving it more than she did! There are tons of overlooked gems out there, so don’t judge a game by its cover.

#16: Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse
1989/90

This is where the series got great. Castlevanias are famous for their spooky atmospheres, gothic enemies and death metal soundtracks, and Castle III delivers on all accounts. It also introduced multiple routes through the game, additional characters, and finally, a password system, so you don’t have to torture yourself into beating the entire game in one sitting. Aside from Trevor Belmont, there are three new playable characters: Alucard (Dracula spelled backwards), a good-hearted vamp who can turn into a bat to fly over those pesky hard parts; Sypha, a sorceress who can use fire, ice and lightning magic; and Grant, a froglike pirate who has great speed, user-friendly jumps, and can crawl along walls and ceilings! This game kicks ass! Mainly your own, though. It’s wicked good but wicked hard. It’ll make you break the controller in frustration, then glue the pieces back together to try again. A lot of NES games were difficult for the wrong reasons, like shitty mechanics. But Castle III was hard for the right reasons. It tests your reflexes and requires you to learn the levels and enemy patterns before you even stand a chance. I actually prefer a good challenge. Easy games are a bore. Sure, old games may have been strict, frustrating, and even unfair, but at least they prepared you for the real world. You’re not always gonna succeed on your first try. Sometimes you have to fail two or three (or twenty) times beforehand. And in reality, there are no extra lives, no save points and no continues -- one life is all you get, and retro games taught me to use it wisely.

#15: Contra
1987

Lock and load! Bill and Lance are two macho, shirtless army dudes who drop onto an island to wipe out an entire alliance of terrorists and aliens. Though based on an arcade game of the same title, this home-console remake is definitely superior. The levels are similar, but it improves upon the arcade game’s two major flaws: the thin screen and unlabeled weapons. In the NES version, the screen is wide so you can actually see your enemies coming, and the weapons are labeled so you can actually decide whether to pick them up or not, as taking a new gun forces you to abandon your old one. Speaking of guns, you get a bitchin' variety. But the best part of all, you get infinite ammo. There’s no reason to not be shooting. Whereas Bubble Bobble was a great co-op game to play with your girlfriend, Contra is a game you play with the bros. You can try it solo but you won’t last very long. It’s brutally difficult (voted the #1 hardest game of all time by IGN). One hit and you're dead, and the screen is constantly filling with enemies and bullets. The game practically has to be played on 2-player. It requires you to work together, guard opposite edges of the screen, cover each other’s backs and take different targets in boss battles. Fortunately, like many Konami games, it features the famous “Konami Code,” a password that gives you a plentiful amount of extra lives: UP-UP-DOWN-DOWN-LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT-RIGHT-B-A-START! You better rememberize it if you wanna be in the Contra Club!

#14: Mega Man V
1992

The Blue Bomber's fifth NES adventure was my fifth favorite. It was significant for introducing M tanks, Beat and the letter icons. The M tank replenished magic, er, weapon energy. Beat was a robotic bird sidekick that attacked enemies for you, much like releasing a bee in Link to the Past. And to get Beat, you had to find a letter icon in each of the eight levels, which eventually spelled out MEGAMANV. I love collectibles, especially when the game indicates which levels you missed them in, a feature I adore in games since I’m one of those OCD gamers who has to get everything. It’s a drag having to search every inch of a game for that one elusive secret you missed, but it’s fun when you know exactly which level it’s in. This was also the first Mega Man game to include a map. The level design is excellent. Starman’s stage is set in space, where you can jump extremely high, and Gravity Man’s stage is a Metal Storm-esque level where you have to alternate gravity and play the level upside-down. The coolest weapons were the Charge Kick, which turns your slide into an attack; Gravity Hold, which sucks all flying enemies offscreen; and the Super Arrow, which you can use as a weapon, vehicle or a platform! Yep, I take notes while I game.


#13: Mega Man IV
1991/92

Rock’s fourth game was the first to tell his backstory, the first with the charge shot on the arm cannon and the first to feature a villain other than Dr. Wily. Favorite weapons: Flash Stopper, which froze time, allowing you to stop enemies and obstacles while you continue to move and fire normally; Rain Flush, which rained acid on everything onscreen; and the Wire Adaptor, which served as a grappling hook. I always felt these games achieved the perfect level of difficulty. They were always challenging but never overwhelmingly frustrating. However, one complaint I have about the entire series is the hassle of having to learn each boss’s weakness. Unless you remember from previous experience, you’re bound to spend a lot of time playing guess-and-check. True, you can beat the bosses with only the arm cannon, but it’s often quite difficult. Personally, I always looked up a recommended level order just to save time. But man, I wish each level had contained a well-hidden clue as to the boss’s weakness, like “Heat Man loves fire but hates the cold” or “Nothing can cut down Wood Man!”

#12: Kirby's Adventure
1992/93

King DeDeDe stole the Star Rod from the Fountain of Dreams, preventing all the Dream Land inhabitants from dreaming! It’s up to Kirby to save the day, er, the nights. Though it was the second in the series, this was the definitive Kirby game. It gave the pink puffball his signature “copy” ability, allowing him to steal powers from the enemies he swallows. There are dozens of different powers, each with their own fun effects. My favorites were U.F.O., which let you zip around in a flying saucer; Wheel, which let you roll around super-fast; and Lazer, a projectile that bounced off walls. Kirby games are like softcore versions of Mega Man. If Mega Man was a beer, Kirby would be a juicebox. This game also introduced the slide attack, the Star Rod and the popular villain, Meta Knight. Pretty much everything Kirby-related in the Smash Bros. series came straight from Kirby’s Adventure. It’s one of those games that’s easy to beat but challenging to get 100%, which requires you to find all the secret areas (AHHH OCD!). Between levels, you can also play three fun mini-games to earn extra lives. Kirby’s Adventure was released over a year after the Super Nintendo was all the rage, proving the nerdier older brother was still cool, too!

#11: Super C
1988

Relock and reload! The terrorist-alien alliance is back, and so are Bill and Lance. Oh wait, I guess this time it’s “Mad Dog” and “Scorpion.” Whatever, for now on I’m just calling them “Red Rambo” and “Blue Rambo.” Longer, harder, and even more bromantic, Super C really supersedes the original. The only thing I wasn’t crazy about in Contra were the “3D” levels, where the Rambos are in the foreground firing at enemies in the background. These sections were just too dull and easy compared to the platforming levels. In Super C, they were replaced with overhead levels, like in an adventure game. These levels were my favorite, especially since you could move in eight directions. Again, teamwork is crucial, so pick your partner wisely. For some lame reason, the Konami Code wasn’t included, although there is an alternate code that gives you more extra lives. Don’t feel bad about looking it up. These games are way too hard on the default difficulty. Using the code only bumps them down from “impossible” to “theoretically possible.” But the challenge is what makes them so thrilling. Few action games have ever gotten my heartbeat so fast nor my controller so sweaty. Contras are also great male-bonding experiences. The only men I truly trust are the ones I’ve returned from a Contra tour with.




Ten down, ten to go! Here's Part 2.

You Know You're A Nerd If...

Are you worried you might be a nerd? Or maybe you think you’re the king of the nerds? Take this simple, 10-question test to determine just how nerdy you are:

You know you're a nerd if...


...you know what a koopa does when it reaches an edge.



…you immediately associate terrain with Star Wars planets.



…you consider Klingon a second language.



…you know the difference between a stalactite and a stalagmite.



…you just looked up "stalactite" or "stalagmite."



…the word "evolution" makes you think of Pokémon.

…you can name all nine of the Fellowship.

…you know what any of these acronyms stand for.

…you wish you were Asian.

…you’re Asian.

SCORING

10 points: You hacker!
7-9 points: Congrats, pointdexter.
4-6 points: You’re nerdy but not a nerd.
1-3 points: Sorry, you're only a geek.
0 points: How did you even find my blog?

Top 10 Movies From the 2000's

My thoughts on the New Age of film history can be summed up in one word: underwhelming. Frankly, I think the 2000's sucked. There are definitely some exceptions, but overall, they just don’t make movies like they used to. In fact, I struggled to fill ten spots for this countdown. But I finally found two handfulls I felt passionate enough about, and here they are: my personal favorite films from 2000-2009.


#10: Ocean's Eleven
2001

This was the film that made me realize I wanted to be a screenwriter. Fresh out of prison, Danny Ocean didn’t seem to learn his lesson. The first thing he does is get a group of eleven thieves together to commit the biggest heist of their criminal careers: robbing three casinos at once. This film has enough stars in it to light up all of Las Vegas: George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts and Andy Garcia, to name a few. Even the smallest supporting roles were turned into big-name cameos. That can be a bad sign, as some studios cast A-list actors to compensate for a weak screenplay (like the original Ocean’s Eleven this was loosely based on). But then there are dynamite scripts like this that seemingly every actor in Hollywood wants a part in. You could take away all the familiar faces and the film would shine just as bright. The script is stylish, witty and very well-crafted, with some nice plot twists. Despite the large character count, they’re all well-developed and get a fair share of the action. Each have their own area of expertise: con man, grease man, hacker, pickpocket, explosives expert, etc. They all get to utilize their skills multiple times and in memorable ways. The gang is up against impossible odds: a maximum-security building ran by a smart, cold-blooded owner. And of course, there’s a gorgeous girl who complicates everything. Watching the elaborate plan unfold is pure entertainment, and the second-greatest heist ever pulled on film, after The Sting.


#9: Les Triplettes de Belleville (The Triplets of Belleville)
2003

When the mafia kidnaps a bicyclist during the Tour de France, it’s up to the biker’s relentless grandmother and her obese hound dog to rescue him, with a little help from the three weird sisters of the title. This French, animated, silent-musical satire is the most unique film I have ever seen. I was mesmerized from start to finish. To call it strange would be like calling the ocean big -- though apparently not big enough to prevent the devoted granny from crossing it on a little pedal boat. Sylvain Chomet's feature-length debut instantly established him as one of the leading visionaries in the animation field. His style is unlike anything you’ve seen from Disney, Pixar or Japanese anime. Everything in Triplets is humorously exaggerated. Skyscrapers are thousands of stories tall, steep inclines are exactly forty-five degrees, and body parts are grotesquely enlarged (or compressed). There are messages everywhere, some overtly obvious, such as an overweight Statue of Liberty holding, instead of a torch and book, an ice-cream cone and hamburger; other messages are more cryptic, like the dog’s black-and-white dream sequences. The film is almost entirely devoid of dialogue. It was refreshing and impressive to watch a story told without words for a change. But the film is by no means quiet. The jazzy soundtrack is one of the film’s highlights. Triplets is a terrific tribute to all things retro, from the silent era and old timey jazz to hand-drawn animation and elderly heroes. When the film ended, I was floored. I just sat there, feasting on the delicious music. And after the credits, I was rewarded with a dessert ending: the film’s biggest laugh.

#8: Sound and Fury
2000

If you found out your child was deaf but could give them the ability to hear, would you? I think those of us that can hear would say, “of course.” Well, meet a deaf family that says “no way.” This powerful, thought-provoking, mind-opening documentary concerns an extended family of both deaf and hearing family members. Two sets of parents are debating whether to give their deaf children the cochlear implant, a device that would enable the children to hear. I always thought of deafness as nothing more than a handicap. But the film presents the deaf as a culture of their own. After all, they have their own language (sign), enclosed communities and even prejudices against the “hearing world.” The filmmakers opted to use voice-overs for the sign language instead of subtitles, which is much more effective considering the amount of fast-paced dialogue and heated arguments. The film does a great job of showing cases from each side; both the family members for and those against the cochlear implant. It urges you to decide for yourself what's right and wrong. Sound and Fury is one of the best docs ever made, but would you believe the DVD has no subtitles?!

#7: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
2001, 2002, 2003

Tolkien let the film rights to the novels go for free, deeming the trilogy “unfilmable.” Forty-five years and two folly animated film adaptations later, Peter Jackson and an army of special effects wizards took up the epic task. They were victorious. Each of the LOTR films are among the best medieval fantasies of all time. The story follows nine men (or should I say, two men, a wizard, an elf, a dwarf, and four hobbits) on a quest to destroy a cursed Ring that possesses the power to revive a fallen dark lord, meanwhile defending the world from the dark lord’s forces. Not since the old Star Wars trilogy have films so actively engaged my imagination. Like SW, LOTR is set in a make-believe world abundant with rich history, races and creatures. Both trilogies rely on an endearing story and colorful characters as much as cool special effects and exciting action sequences. Both were blessed with outstanding soundtracks. And both are the beloved subjects of nerd trivia (speaking of, true fans should know that the extended LOTR versions, though overlong, are definitely superior to the theatrical cuts). Among countless similarities, the two trilogies also compliment each other greatly. Without the universe-shattering achievements of Star Wars, LOTR would have never seen the screen, at least not for a long time and certainly not in this form. Likewise, the LOTR books had a clear influence on Star Wars. But whether it’s the Jedi or the King that’s returning, one thing’s for sure: there’s nothing like a great trilogy.

#6: Empire of Dreams
2004

Speaking of Star Wars, I simply had to include this documentary, which chronicles the making of the original Star Wars trilogy -- aka "the good ones." It tells the amazing story behind the most amazing story ever told! Filled with behind-the-scenes archive footage, interviews and film clips, the film is divided into five segments: I) Lucas's early, pre-Star Wars career; II) The making of A New Hope; III) The making of The Empire Strikes Back; IV) The making of Return of the Jedi; and V) The impact and legacy the trilogy has left on the world. Just when I thought I couldn't possibly love the original trilogy more, I discovered this film, which effectively doubled my appreciation for them. It describes in fascinating detail every step of the filmmaking process, from the the rough drafts to the final cuts. The entire cast and crew share great anecdotes and thoughts on the films, while the wizards behind the curtains give away how they created every one of the pioneering special effects, sound effects and everything in between. It's truly awe-inspiring. But what seperates it all from being your typical making-of segment of the "special features" section is the overriding story it tells of George Lucas' struggle to bring his visions to life. Love him or hate him, he was a true martyr for independent filmmakers. He was constantly fighting an uphill battle against the studios for creative freedom. He dreamed of building an empire, and with enough perserverance, he succeeded. Just think, if a young punkass could make a mind-blowing, sci-fi-fantasy epic the likes of which no one had ever seen before... you, too, can fulfill your wildest dreams. This the greatest movie about making movies, and a must-see for fans and filmmakers alike.


#5: O Brother, Where Art Thou?
2000

Only the Coen brothers would read Homer’s Odyssey and think, "wouldn’t this make a bona fide musical-comedy if it were set in the Depression-era South?" Everyone seems to disagree on what the two-headed filmmaker’s masterpiece is. This one gets my vote. Three convicts bust off a chain gang to recover buried treasure before the valley is turned into a hydroelectric lake. The leads are a true comic trio: there’s Ulysses, a smooth-talking atheist (George Clooney), short-tempered Pete (John Turturrro) and sweet but dim-witted Delmar (Tim Blake Nelson). Throughout their episodic adventure, they find themselves in one bizarre situation after another. They meet a blind prophet, sexy sirens and babyface Nelson. They battle the law, the Ku Klux Klan and a cycloptic bible salesman. They get caught up in a political race, a religious movement and a musical sensation. The Coens have a knack for hilarious dialogue, and here they really nail the Southern dialect as well, like Fargo did with "Minnesota nice." The film looks absolutely perfect: every single shot was not only storyboarded in advance, and (for the first time ever) the entire film was digitally color-corrected. They turned green trees yellow, blue water brown, and gave the whole film an old sepia tone. The songs are realistically integrated into the story as opposed to characters spontaneously bursting into song with magical musical accompaniment. The soundtrack, comprised entirely of folk and bluegrass songs from the era, went on to win the Grammy Award for Album of the Year and go platinum eight times. O brother, the Great Depression was never so much fun!

#4: 28 Days Later
2002

About a month after animal rights activists free infected chimpanzees from a research facility, a courier named Jim awakes in the hospital to find himself the only one left in London… or so he thinks. Best… zombie movie… ever! This is one of those stories you wish you could be in. That is, if you, like I, dream of testing your survival skills in a post-apocalyptic, anarchic zombie-invasion. I always enjoyed American zombie films but felt they were missing something. Well, the British finally got it right. 28 Days Later was the first film to feature zombies that could run, which is SO much scarier than the cheesy "sleepwalk" seen in Romero’s films. 28 was also the first zombie film to offer a scientific explanation behind the invasion, leading many viewers to disqualify it as a zombie film -- oh come on, that’s like not considering a war film a war film because it defines the cause of the war. Danny Boyle is a very daring director. He uses the camera in ways you just don’t see in other movies. Also, the film is shot on video, giving it a frighteningly realistic look, especially when you see all the famous London landmarks completely deserted. The soundtrack is excellent. Though there isn’t much original score, the film makes great use of existing music. You’ll hear everything from classical to post-punk, and it all fits perfectly. Despite all the blood (and believe me, there’s a lot), the film’s greatest strength is that it focuses most on the characters. You really come to care for each one of the survivors instead of simply waiting for the next one to be eaten. The film is also an excellent depiction of anarchy. It’s an exhilarating rollercoaster that’s doomed to derail. Eh, I’d still ride it.

#3: A.I. Artificial Intelligence
2001

In this dark, futuristic fairy tale, Cybertronics creates David, a prototype robot-child programmed to unconditionally love his adopted parents. But what happens when the parents don’t love him back? One of Spielberg's most underrated films, and also one of his best, I’ve always interpreted AI as a commentary on religion. David’s parents abandon him, but not before reading him Pinocchio. Convinced the nonexistent Blue Fairy can turn him into a “real boy” that his parents will love, David sets out to find her. Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy bear curious resemblances to the Bible and God. Even the very title of the film suggests that faith is nothing but false hope. But that’s just me being over-analytic. The story is really about the search for happiness. The stellar script is accompanied by stunning visuals. Spielberg wisely used just as many oldschool effects as he did CG. David’s adventure takes him to very imaginative places, such as a flooded New York City where only Lady Liberty’s torch remains above sea level. David is aided by delightful supporting characters including a "supertoy" named Teddy, a "mecha lover" named Gigolo Joe (Jude Law), and a holographic search engine called Dr. Know (voiced by Robin Williams). John William’s soundtrack is as eerie as it is beautiful -- one of his most overlooked. Haley Joel Osment (the kid from The Sixth Sense) delivers another incredible performance as the robot-child, proving he’s one of the best child actors ever. The film captures both despair and ecstasy so well that it overwhelms you, too with the characters’ feelings. In the real future, we’ll probably just plug ourselves into some kind of emotion-machines and tap a “sad” button to cry, then a “happy” button to cheer up again. But it takes a truly well-made film to elicit those emotions naturally.


#2: Minority Report
2002

In Spielberg's following film, a Precrime unit is able to prevent murders before they actually happen with the aid of psychedelic psychics and some truly leet technology. The system works perfectly. That is, until the chief himself (Tom Cruise) is accused of murder. On the run from his own men, he has thirty-six hours before he supposedly murders a man he’s never heard of. The brilliant screenplay is full of spectacular twists and turns. It’s a futuristic take on the classic "whodunit," or in this case, a “whowilldoit.” It's got all the Spielbergian trademarks: a fantastic opening, unique action sequences and unforgettable imagery. The film is overflowing with water. It’s in practically every scene and it plays an integral role in the story. The film’s negative was washed in blue hues, which, combined with the noirish cinematography, gives the film a striking “black, white and blue” look. I see the water as an analogy for law enforcement; we need both to survive, yet excessive amounts are dangerously counterproductive. Of all the depictions of dystopian societies, Minority Report is my favorite because of how believable it is. Ubiquitous retinal scans constantly track your location. Advertisements target you directly. Automobiles run automatically on magnetic road-rails. The PoPo have jetpacks, sick-sticks and sonic boomguns. Some of the technology in the film has already become real, such as gesture-based computer interfaces and 3D holograms, which is ironic considering the prophetic concept of the film.

#1: The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters
2007

This grand documentary follows two competitive videogamers as they battle for the high score in the classic arcade game, Donkey Kong. Billy Mitchell, who held the world record for over twenty years, is a corrupt, conniving, cowardly bastard that speaks in perfect paragraphs and smiles like a crocodile. You’ll truly hate his guts -- far stronger than you could ever feel toward a fictional villain. His nemesis, Steve Weibe, is the lovable underdog: a sweet, geeky, hardworking family-man trying to take down Billy’s score. You’ll be booing Billy and cheering Steve all the way. It’s like a classic western: a battle for justice set in a little corner of American history, only instead of settling disputes with guns in saloons, the men duel with joysticks in arcades. Billy and Steve are true "black and white" characters: one is pure evil, the other pure good. All that’s missing are the cowboy hats. The subtitle of the film is even a reference to the spaghetti western, A Fistful of Dollars. Although it’s a documentary, it’s just as exciting and emotional as any narrative film I’ve ever seen, if not more so, because you know it was all real. King of Kong is a sports film for nerds, a tribute to oldschool videogames, a metaphor for corruption in the legal system, a contemporary western, and above all, a true inspiration. For these reasons and many more, I hereby crown it King of the decade.