Top 5 Modern Arcade Games

I've already counted down and reviewed my favorite Classic Arcade Games, but what about the modern ones?

I chose 1984 as the cutoff year for the classics, as that was when the Great Depression of videogame history occured, the Videogame Crash, followed by a renaissance of home consoles, starting with the Nintendo in 1985. A new age was upon us, an age of home consoles. But arcade games weren't dead yet! The Cade got a second wind in the nineties. In order to compete with awesome consoles like the SNES, PlayStation and N64, arcade games had to offer something you couldn't play at home. Thus, we got massive machines with innovative mechanics, great multiplayer opportunities with strangers, and of course, more high scoreboards to put your TAG on!

Space-shooters were out. New genres were in: fighting games like Street Fighter II (1991) and Mortal Kombat (1992), beat-em-ups/hack 'n slash games like the 6-player X-Men game (1992) and the personal-password progress-saving Gauntlet Legends (1998), steering wheel-operated racers like Virtua Racer (1992) and the Cruis'N series (1994-present), sports games like NBA Jam (1993) and the Golden Tee series (1989-present), light gun shooters like Virtua Cop (1994) and the Big Buck Hunter series (2001-present), and rhythm games like the Beatmania/DDR series (1997-present).

Here are, in my opinion, the only modern arcade games that rival the classics:


#5: The Lost World: Jurassic Park
1997

One of my life goals I've yet to accomplish is to get some action in a Lost World jeep. The machine that supported this game was the coolest console ever designed: it was built to resemble the interior of a jeep in which two players could fit comfortably inside, along with two light guns, a 50" screen and curtains that you could pull shut to reduce glare (and increase privacy). Get a load of this badboy:

Sexy, eh? The game itself ain't bad, either. The Lost World is a thrilling, two-player rail shooter in which you (and a friend) must escape Jurassic Park, all the while shooting the shit out of angry dinos -- literally; one humorous scene has you getting shat on by a Bracheosaur. Other highlights include a jeep chase with a T-rex, fighting a cool, chameleonic "Carnotaur" that can camouflage itself, and a Simon-esque mini-game that requires you to memorize and repeat the sequence to lock a security door -- how many shooters have you ever seen that randomly feature a cool mini-game? The Lost World boasts superb animation, running at 60 frames per second, and it was also the first game to ever run a million polygons per second! This game was so high-caliber, I actually like it more than the film it's based on. But beware: the demo screen demands $1.00 to play, when you only actually need to insert $.75. Those sneaky Sega bastards!

#4: On the Ball
1989

This game's a ball! It was tough deciding between this and Super Monkey Ball. They're both neo-arcade games with nearly identical concepts, and although Monkey Ball had 3D graphics and a banana-shaped joystick, I found On the Ball was much less frustrating. Also, it predated Monkey Ball by a whopping eleven years. On the Ball is a quirky mix between a racing game and a puzzle game. Your goal is to guide a little, blue ball through a maze, but get this: you don’t control the ball, you control the maze. The ball is in a constant state of freefall, and by rotating a dial left and right, you spin the maze around it. Anyone remember those 3D ball-in-a-maze puzzles set inside transparent plastic shapes, like Perplexus? Yeah, picture that, only the mazes in On the Ball are filled with obstacles and a variety of blocks. Some blocks are breakable if the ball is moving fast enough, other blocks can add or subtract precious seconds to your timer, and some blocks can stop time momentarily. You can also "jump" if you have no momentum, or hold down the jump button for greater speed. There are twenty-eight levels, all accompanied by a lovely, chill techno soundtrack. This is one of the very few games of its kind (along with Monkey Ball and Puddle), and to me, it's the most overlooked arcade game of all time. Perhaps its lack of success can be attributed to its original title, "Cameltry." WTF? Despite its relative unpopularity, you can find ports on the Super Nintendo and the Taito Legends 2 collection, available on PS2, XBox and PC. Fans of this game should also be sure to check out Super Monkey Ball on the Gamecube, which almost made this list before it got blue-balled!

#3: Dance Dance Revolution
1998

DDR is the greatest "workout game" of all time, and also one of the most entertaining games to watch people play. The uber-popular dance game is played on unique "step pads" that have four arrows: up, down, left and right, which the player must step or jump on in sync with scrolling arrows on-screen. It was like Guitar Hero for chicks:

No, I'm not gonna lie, I got into the DDR craze, too, and I'm about as manly as they come. It was a refreshing change of pace to play a game with your feet instead of your fingers. Every "step" is graded on how well you time it, so you'll need fancy footwork to get your TAG on the high scoreboard, and it's GREAT exercise; I can't play more than three songs in a row without getting all gross and sweaty, even on the normal difficulty. On several occasions I've seen crowds gathered around these machines as a pair of pros (usually teenage Asian girls) wowed them with their well-rehearsed and rememberized dance moves. My favorite thing to see is two players who could actually swap between step pads mid-song. Dance Dance Revolution really did start a revolution: there are dozens of sequels. I highly recommend getting one of the DDRMAX games for PS1 or PS2, along with a pair of plastic step pads -- unless you have neighbors below you. You don't wanna get noise complaints.


#2: Bubble Bobble
1986

Aww, Bub and Bob are just da cutest widdle dwagons! Yes dey are! Wookit how dey spit bubbles instead of fire! SO CUE-WIT! Okay, so I'm not quite "as manly as they come" after all. But don't be fooled, dudes: this is a hardcore action game in an adorable disguise, making it easy to convince your chicks to play through it with you. Although it's really oldschool, Bubble Bobble did come out after 1984, so I couldn't include it on my list of classic arcade games. Here's the story: If Bub and Bob ever wanna joystick their she-dragons again, they'll have to rescue 'em from the Cave of Monsters. You defeat your enemies by first blowing bubbles at them, and after they're captured inside of said bubbles, you can POP! them with the spikes on your back. It's indescribably fun. Every level has a vastly different design, there are "secret" moves to discover like bouncing off your bubbles to reach higher platforms, and there's an arsenal of fun power-ups to aid you on your quest. The two-player mode is PHENOM; one of my favorite co-op games EVER. But the thing I love most about Bubble Bobble, and a clear indication that it was indeed an early new-wave arcade game, is that you can actually beat it! Instead of simply aiming for a high score in an endless series of levels like all those classic arcade games, the 100th level of Bubble Bobble features an excellent boss battle, and there are even three different endings. The game has a great soundtrack, or should I say, a great song. It’s the same track in every level (except the hundredth), but it’s so darn catchy that it never gets old, much like the game itself. Once you pop, the fun don’t stop! Ports are available on the NES, Game Boy, GBC, PC, XBox, PS2 and Wii.

#1: Time Crisis II

1998

ACTION!

Time Crisis II is like a friggin' bazooka that makes all other shooters look like squirt guns. I’m not even a big fan of shooters, but I still play this one every time I see it in the lobby of my local movie theater. I often sacrifice seeing the opening of the film I came to watch just to get on the high scoreboard for TC2. The second installment took the brilliant formula from the first game and just ran wild with it. The series throws you into super-intense, fast-paced shootouts, battling both an army of terrorists and the clock to save the world. The levels are impeccably designed with over-the-top production values to make you feel like you’re the star of an action movie. Despite many follow-ups, the second game in the series was never topped. My favorite levels included a boat chase through Venice, a gunfight set between speeding trains and a helicopter, and the final boss, who uses, for lack of a better term, "the princess" as a human shield. In addition to the light guns, the series also featured a unique foot-pedal system. Holding down the pedal made you emerge from cover, while letting it go allowed you to hide from enemy fire and also reload your weapon. The game's nine levels are all tied together with the kind of cutscenes that make porno dialogue look good, but at least you can shoot the screen to skip the story. TC2 introduced two big improvements over the first game: the "crisis flash" which gave you a helpful "heads up" if you were about to catch a bullet, and a two-player co-op mode. You and a partner each play on two, side-by-side 50" bigscreens that offer two completely different angles during gunfights. Whenever I'm playing this at the theater (with the pink gun, of course), some dude always ends up picking up the blue gun and joining me for a couple levels. Time Crisis II got a perfect (if not superior) port on the PS2. It's a must-have for fans, along with the Guncon 2 gun accessory. You can even play two-player at home, although it requires having two TV's, two copies of the game and two PS2's hooked together with an iLink cable. Anyone who thinks that sounds like more trouble than its worth clearly hasn't played the game!

In closing, arcade games are like Panda bears; they're both Asian, both nearly went extinct, both made a nice little comeback, and both will continue to survive so long as WE continue to provide them with enough green.

Thank you for reading. Up next: my top 10 PlayStation games!

Top 10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Highlights

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, which began as a British gameshow called Fast-track to a Million in 1998, has since become the most popular international TV show of all time. Millionaire was as suspenseful as it was educational, which made for great entertainment. It had a number of unique aspects that seperated it from other gameshows of the time. It featured only one contestant versus a series of trivia questions, which allowed the contestants to take their time and think aloud (until some countries later introduced a time limit). To make the game both easier and more audience-interactive, questions were all multiple choice.  Contestants also had a number of "lifelines" at their disposal, such as the ability to phone a friend for help, poll the audience, or eliminate two of the wrong answers.  Here are some of the highlights from the show's illustrious history.

#10: Missing the $100 Question:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PW8VaBeqCQ
The first few questions are supposed to be no-brainers, and yet a surprising number of contestants left the show empty-handed.  I'd feel bad for them if it wasn't so funny.

#9: Funny Blooper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRsaExGcx5A

I had to include an outtake, and this one was actually televised.  Ironically, D was the correct answer.

#8: Funniest Contestant Ever:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orGNl-S2IoE

During a special movie-themed week, Millionaire got my favorite contestant, Jeff Jones (although Jack Black was a close second).  The young, beer-loving Texan nearly creamed his pants when gets a question about one of his favorite movies.

 #7: Ask the Audience Win

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSyUcTzrGcQ
In this once-in-a-primetime moment, 100% of the audience guessed the same answer.
#6: Ask the Audience Fails

However, the audience members weren't always so knowledgable.  Here are three epic fails:
The record vote on a wrong answer was 91%: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klolmg4HeKE
A two-way tie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6uVlhRRLsw&feature=related
A three-way tie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZkoZQGKENs

#5: Ask the Audience Smartass

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKLoOUtHVOA

After narrowing it down to B and D with his 50/50 lifeline, a contestant then asked the audience.  Some smartass voted C anyway.  Classic!

#4: Million Dollar Question Fail:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHl-sN2Npvw&feature=related

Some contestants you root for. Others you root against. Ken Basin, a 24 year-old Harvard law graduate, was the first contestant to ever guess wrong on the million dollar question.  He was such a pretentious little dick, I'm sure I wasn't the only one cheering.  He could have walked with a half mil, but no, he had to take a greedy guess, and left with only $25,000.

#3: Dumbest Contestant Ever:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/104386/man_uses_3_lifelines_on_a_500_question/
Many contestants have used all three lifelines on a single question. There have even been several contestants that used all three lifelines on one of the no-brainer questions.  But only one man has ever used all three lifelines on an early question and still gotten it wrong. Wow. This guy was easily the dumbest contestant the show has ever had. But his wife was even dumber -- an English teacher that didn't know a simple grammar question!

#2: Smartest Contestant Ever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeqPJojGqxc
Don Carpenter was the first contestant to ever win a million (in the U.S.).  He got to the million dollar question with all three lifelines, and went out in true style.  Who needs lifelines, anyway?

#1: Contestant Cheats… All the Way to A Million
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQoNWw0G2AY

With the aid of an accomplice in the audience who indicated the correct answers by coughing, a former military major committed fraud and deception all over British television. He probably would have gotten away with it too if A) He didn’t read each answer over and over again B) He wasn’t such a lousy actor C) His wife didn't keep sneaking peaks at the accomplice, and D) The major quit around the $25,000 mark instead of going all the way. Greedy bastards. Can you imagine how the courtroom trial went? “Charles Ingram, how you plead?” “Let me think here for second. Guilty… Or not guilty…” *COUGH* “Definitely not guilty!”  I wonder if the judge asked, "Is that your final answer?"

Chrono Trigger Review

#1: Chrono Trigger
1995

At last, we finally reach the grand finale of my Top 50 SNES Games. It’s about time! Really. Chrono Trigger is a time-traveling RPG about a group of ragtag misfits trying to prevent the apocalypse. Chrono is not only my favorite game on the SNES; it's also my #1 favorite game of all time. And that’s saying a lot, especially from a learned gaming guru like myself. In fact, this game is so incredibly incredible, I don’t think I could possibly do it justice by myself, so I've invited six guests to help me review the game. Men and gentleladies, meet Crono, Lucca, Marle, Robo, Frog and Ayla. Who wants to get the Roly rolling here?

Marle: Oh! Me-me-me-me-me! I wanna go first! This game totally has the hottest graphics. Everything is soooooo detailed. The characters in our game are like, double the size of a Final Fantasy sprite, which means we are waaaay more attractive. The locations are beautiful, too. If I could live anywhere make-believe, it would be the kingdom of Zeal, a floating island in the clouds. Talk about gorgeous! Even the game’s concept art is fab. Chrono Trigger makes other SNES games look like they aren’t wearing makeup.

Lucca: Okay, okay, enough from the beauty queen. Graphics aren’t everything in a game! In fact, I’d say they’re the least important aspect. Let’s talk about something more insightful, like the writing. Chrono boasts a fantastic story full of colorful characters and rich dialogue. You play as Crono, a young redheaded punk who lives happily in the present day until one of my wacky inventions accidentally send him back to the medieval era! Shortly afterward, we find another time gate into the post-apocalyptic future, where we discover the exact date the world will end. But get this: the Armageddon won’t happen in our lifetime. It won’t even come for another thousand years. But we decide to save the world, not for ourselves, but for the future generations. It’s a deep, inspirational story, and if it doesn’t bring tears to your eyes, you’re probably a robot. No offense, Robo!

Robo: None taken, miss Lucca. Although I am unable to feel the emotions necessary to fully appreciate this game, I can assure you that it does achieve the highest numerical ratings in every eligible category. The Makers have crafted a work of unequivocal perfection. The most unique aspect of the game’s design is how the player’s decisions have a cause and effect throughout other time periods. You may not know it, but this game’s A.I. is watching you, and all the little decisions you make will come back to haunt or reward you later on. Murdering a character also kills all their would-be ancestors, while planting a seed in the past creates a vast forest in the future. The game features a dozen different endings based on when you choose to fight Lavos, the game’s primary antagonist. Endings range from happy to tragic to hilarious to downright disturbing -- to humans, anyway. But unlike open-ended sandbox games, it’s a linear game with a very comfortable pace. You will never be worried about missing anything, for you can freely explore the six time periods at your own -- excuse me. What are you doing, miss Ayla? Why are you fighting me? Where is that music coming from?

Ayla: Dance, Robo, dance! Ayla like music! Chrono music goooood. All different kinds. Fit your time good. Ayla make bouncy bongo beats in homeworld. Ayla boogie to techno in new age. Ayla no like scary strings in middle age. Ayla feel in dream when hear music of magic age. Ayla cry for pianos in Crono's time. Ayla have own song! All have own song! Frog's song reeeeal good! Yummy Frog go now!

Frog: I presume thy lass referreth to myself. Well, being a practiced swordsman of the Middle Ages, I doth find it appropriate that I address our game’s illustrious battle system. Random battles are nay to be found in Chrono Trigger. Enemies can be seen and even avoided by thee. Engaging foes doth not transport you to some non-sequitur battle sequence; thy enemy is fought right where thou’rt found. Spacial relations are critical when choosing thine attack. Some attacks damage all foes on a straight line, while other moves have an area effect or a limited range. Each character is endowed with thine own magical element, such as fire, water or lightning. Characters can even work together to unleash powerful double and triple techniques. Perchance now, thy star of the game would like the honors.

Crono: ......

Magus: Mwahaha! Fools! You won’t get a word out of him! He’s a silent protagonist! That is, other than his two obscure lines in the “slideshow” ending…

Frog: Magus?! What ever art thou doing hither?! Nevertheless, prepare to die, dark wizard! I shall now avenge ye, Cyrus!

Robo: Steady your blade, Frog. We had better hear him out first.

Magus: Much appreciated, Robo. Or should I say, Prometheus. That’s right, I know all your secrets, from princess Nadia’s to yours, Glenn!

Frog: Swine! Dispense with your tongue-lashing before I sever it from your mouth.

Magus: Very well then. Being the game's one and only secret character, I have chosen to speak of the game's many hidden delights. Is there nothing more satisfying than discovering that which few others do? This game is full of secrets, side-quests and mini-games, many of which I’m sure these pathetic heroes missed. Chrono Trigger is a game with infinite replay value, not only due its twelve different endings, but because you can only have three of the seven characters in your party at once. Since each of them say something completely different in every scene, it’s fun to go back and switch up your teammates to try and hear all the delicious dialogue, especially mine! Beating the game unlocks New Game+, which allows you to go back in time to the beginning of the game while keeping your current status and level. Thus, you can begin the game so overpowered that even the game’s bosses can be easily slain -- ‘tis the only way you'll stand a chance against me! New Game+ makes it much easier to unlock all the game’s endings, one of which I would very much like to discuss in particular, as the average player will never see it. It is both the hardest ending to achieve and the most rewarding. Choosing to face Lavos at the very outset of the game gives the player a chance to actually meet the bright, backroom boys who created the game. This may not sound like much of an Easter egg in light of all the bonus content present in today’s games. But yesteryear’s games were such a one-way conversation, it was truly a treat to rip that curtain aside and meet the wizards behind it, especially Squaresoft’s dream team of yore. Time has proved powerless against Chrono Trigger, and there's no doubt in my mind it will forever remain a beloved masterpiece.

Up next: my Top 5 Modern Arcade Games.

Top 50 SNES Games: Part 5

This is it: the thrilling conclusion to my top fifty Super Nintendo game reviews!


#10: Final Fantasy II
a.k.a. Final Fantasy IV in Japan
1991

The original Final Fantasy and it’s two Japan-exclusive sequels may have put the series on the map, but it was FFIV that set the bar for the series and RPG’s in general. And boy, was the bar ever set high. FFIV introduced many concepts that became series staples, including the active-time-battle system, summons and airships. The story was deep and the characterization, deeper. It was an epic, tragic tale on par with Shakespeare, accompanied by an equally epic score by Nobuo Uematsu. Unlike future Final Fantasies in which the characters were always young, heroic, beautiful and blonde, FFIV’s protagonist is the complete opposite. You play as Cecil, a middle-aged dark knight and commander of the Red Wings, a fleet of airships that flies around the world slaughtering innocent people and stealing their crystals for an evil king. Talk about badass. Cecil even sleeps in his armor. Sure, he later undergoes a character arc, but it’s rare and refreshing to begin an RPG as such an anti-hero, especially one with so much power. You’re joined by a big cast of heroes, all of whom are very distinct and well-developed, and each has a designated job class with their own special abilities: the knight protects other party members, the mages have magic, the ninja has throw and steal, etc. You also get a variety of airships with their own unique abilities. There’s a very impressive attention to detail in every aspect of this game’s design. Obtaining many of the secrets require you to think “fourth-dimensionally,” as Doc Brown would say. Equipping a bow and arrow has a significant difference in power if you're smart enough to equip the arrow in the character’s dominant hand. When prompted to answer a multiple choice question, choosing the obviously wrong answer prompts the game’s director to shout “CUT!” and order a retake. You can even play 2-player by designating different characters to separate controllers in the configuration menu. FFIV started what I call the golden years for the series. It was the first in a string of excellent titles, all of which we'll get to in due time.


#9: Lufia II: Rise of the Sinistrals
1995/6

This mix of an RPG and a puzzle game is one of the best in both genres. Although it’s a sequel, I highly recommend playing it first. Not only because it’s vastly superior to its predecessor, but because Lufia II is actually a prequel. In fact, the opening of Lufia I gives away the ending to Lufia II. And believe you me, this is not a game you want to spoil, as the story is excellent. It’s about four evil gods, Daos, Gades, Erim and Amon, who try to wipe out life on earth so they can rule the planet themselves. You play as a young swordsman named Maxim who must lead a resistance against them. Despite being a rather overlooked RPG, Lufia II introduced many elements that were later popularized in other games, including Ikari Points (much like the Limit Breaks in FFVII), Capsule Monsters (which is sooooooo Pokémon), and The Ancient Cave (an optional, “neverending” dungeon just like those in the Gamecube Zeldas). But without question, the highlight of Lufia II are the puzzles. This game is overflowing with brilliant little mind-benders. Some are simple, while others are true chin-scratchers.  They’re the best puzzles ever assembled in an RPG. You also acquire weapons that you can use outside of battle, including but not limited to a sword, arrows, bombs, and hookshot. Yeah, it may sound like a Zelda ripoff, but trust me, what this game does with the weapons during puzzles goes far above and beyond anything you’ll ever see in the Zelda series. There are plenty of fun side-quests too, including the aforementioned Ancient Cave, finding all eight Dragon Eggs (with a little help from the Jewel Sonar, of course), and a casino full of mini-games like bingo, poker, blackjack and slots. I spent days on each one of these side-quests. Lufia II seamlessly combines so many different elements, you’ll never be bored. There’s just so much to do. But beware, the American version of the game does contain a surprising number of glitches that the Japanese version did not. Feeding capsule monsters is super buggy, changing equipment often results in comical typos and there are a couple rooms that contain scrambled graphical errors (just go up). But these flaws are like tiny, forgivable dents in an otherwise beautiful automobile.

#8: Breath of Fire
1993/4

You gotta hand it to Capcom. They’re easily the most versatile videogame developers, proving they could make great games in virtually every genre. They had Mega Man (platformers), Street Fighter (fighting), Resident Evil (horror), all the great Disney-licensed games (everything from action games to puzzle games) and finally, the Breath of Fire series (RPGs). The original BOF is still my favorite in the series. I absolutely love the game's setting. It's a medieval fantasy world inhabited by anthropomorphic races. Everyone is half-human, half-animal. The Dark Dragon Family, led by King Zog, are trying to take over the world with the help of an evil goddess, Tyr, and it's up to a young Light Dragon named Ryu to unite all the other animal clans against them. This game boasts fantastic storytelling. I love how every single town faces a unique crisis at the hands of the Dark Dragons -- they mail a poisonous letter to the bird-people; they cut off the water supply to the dog-people; they kidnap the ox-people to build a weapon to destroy the underwater fish-people, etc. Each teammate you recruit can use a different special ability outside of battle. Bo is a fox-man who can hunt on the world map and guide the party through forests; Gobi is a fish-man who can transform underwater; Ox is (you guessed it) an ox-man that can move or break heavy objects. My favorite character was Karn, a "human" thief who could pick locked doors and disarm traps. This game is full of secrets that require revisiting old areas with new characters to reach previously inaccessible areas. It really keeps you on your toes. I actually took notes so I would remember where to revisit. Time actually passes on the world map, which not only bathes everything in a different light, but has special effects on the towns. During the day, everyone’s awake; you can enter homes, talk to the villagers, steal their shit, etc. At night, everyone goes to bed and locks their doors. But nightfall has its perks, too. That’s when the guards fall asleep and the zombies wake up. The game's battle system is rather unique. You can switch between all eight party members in battle, though only four can be out at a time. Also, you can actually see your enemies' lifebars, although bosses always get a second wind. The last few dungeons boast some interesting puzzles. Smart players will uncover the ultimate power in any RPG: a dragon transformation named Agni who always deals 999 damage to all opponents! Getting sick of random battles? No problem. Just use a Marble3.

#7: Mega Man X
1993/4

At last we reach the greatest Mega Man game of all time. No, the X was NOT a Roman numeral for ten, it was a symbol marking the beginning of a totally new, totally awesome series of Mega Man games. The new Mega Man, now referred to as “X,” was fast, acrobatic and more metal than ever. Capcom remained true to the original series by adhering to the same formulas while wisely taking the bold new steps the series needed. You still fought eight mavericks in the order of your choosing before assaulting the arch-villain's citadel, only instead of having lame names that all ended with “man,” the mavericks were all different kinds of animal-robots, like Storm Eagle and Armored Armadillo. MMX also introduced new yet equally classic characters like Sigma, a power-hungry computer virus; Zero, Mega Man's even cooler older brother; and Vile, a purple Boba Fett. For the first time, Mega Man could scale walls, adding a whole new element to the platforming. The controls are smoother than titanium-alloy, although I always go into options and set “dash” to R, which felt so perfect to me, I'm surprised it wasn't the default. But the mechanics are so slick, a talented Mega Man vet could dance circles around the bosses and defeat them with only the regular M-buster – er, I mean, the new X-buster. The new 16-bit weapons were fantastic. My favorites were the Storm Tornado, which seemed to tear through any normal enemy with ease, the Boomerang Cutter, which could retrieve out-of-reach items, and the Rolling Shield, which, charged up, gave you a protective bubble that destroyed those pesky, flying bots upon touch. The X games were filled with clever secrets. Tracking down all four sub-tanks, all eight health tanks and the four body enhancements was always a joy. It required revisiting previous levels with new weapons to reach new areas, like in the Metroid games, but it was actually fun here since you have a level select screen instead of just one giant level to backtrack through. The MMX soundtrack is, in my opinion, the greatest metal album of all time. Finally, I'd like to conclude my tenth Mega Man review by discussing a common glitch throughout the entire series: lag. You oldschool gamers know what I'm talkin' 'bout! Lag is a phenomenon that occurs when too many things are happening onscreen at once for the game to process at normal speed. Thus, the game goes into temporary slow-motion. It's fucking awesome, because it makes you feel like Neo in the Matrix, it actually helps you dodge enemy fire, and it was a totally accidental effect.

#6: Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest
1995

In the film industry, sequels are rarely equal. Videogame sequels, on the other hand, are usually better. That’s just one example of how videogames have become an artform, while film has degenerated to a commercial business. All the true artists are working in videogames these days, and what a work of art Rare has created here… The first DKC is one of my favorite games on the console, but the second was just better in every way. The levels are somehow better, the music is even more beautiful, Crankier is funnier than ever, there are new Kongs, new moves and new animal buddies (each with their own new special moves). This time around, Kaptain K. Rool has kidnapped Donkey, and it’s up to Diddy and Dixie to save him. Dixie is new to the Kongs, and she rocks. I love that punk faux pas thing she’s got goin’ on. Then there’s Swanky Kong, a hipster who runs a Bonus Bonanza mini-game comprised of trivia questions about the game to see how closely you've been paying attention. And the last new Kong is Cranky’s wife, Wrinkly, a schoolteacher who you can pay for tips, as well as clues to the location of each level’s DK Coin. Ah yes, hidden in each of the game’s forty levels is a DK Coin, and finding them all is great fun. There are also Kremcoins hidden in every level. Finding enough of them will afford you access to The Lost World, the hardest series of platformer levels you will ever play (post-NES). These levels aren’t meant to be beaten -- they’re meant to beat you! But fear not, for there are even more animal buddies to help you out this time around. Rambi and Enguarde return from the original, and they have new charging moves to make them go super fast. The new animals are Squawks, a parrot who can give you an airlift and spit coconuts at enemies, Rattly, a coily, spring-like snake with mad bouncing skills, Clapper, a seal who can turn lava to water and water to ice, Glimmer, an anglerfish who can light your way through dark levels, and my favorite, Squitter, a spider who can shoot projectiles and create temporary webby platforms to stand on. All in all, DKC2 is my favorite 2D platformer of all time.

#5: Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island

1995

I take it back. THIS is my favorite 2D platformer of all time. Yoshi’s Island is actually a prequel set when the Mario brothers were just babies, making it chronologically the first game in the entire Mario series. As the stork delivers the twins to their parents, a Magikoopa named Kamek attacks, kidnapping baby Luigi, but missing baby Mario, who plummets to Yoshi’s Island. Upon finding the newborn wearing nothing but a diaper and red hat, Yoshi becomes the ultimate babysitter as he and his pals relay baby Mario across the island to save Luigi from Kamek, who also happens to live on the isle... with a baby turtle-dragon named Bowser. The gameplay is decisively different from any of the other Mario platformers. The unique art style looks like it was made with watercolors and crayon. But there are also an array of great mode 7 effects -- many backgrounds feature 3D shapes which seamlessly interact with the foreground. And no review of this game would be complete without mention of the Fuzzies, “enemies” which intoxicate you upon contact, turning the level into a colorful acid trip. Yoshi's move selection is radically different than it was in Mario World 1. He can still eat enemies with his frog-like tongue, only now, a swallowed enemy is immediately shat out in the form of an egg, which can then be used as a throwing weapon. The dino also has a powerful ground pound, a flutter kick to give him a second jump, transformations in designated levels, and loads of special items, like watermelons, fire melons and ice melons. You can store items in a large inventory for later use, like in Mario 3, only here you can access your items anytime during levels! Except during boss battles. The bosses in Yoshi's Island are easily some of the most creative boss battles of all time. They're all regular enemies turned ginormous by Kamek. But my favorite thing about the game? The collectibles. For perfectionists like myself that adore finding every little secret a game has to offer, this is the most satisfying and rewarding game you'll ever play. Each level has eight red coins and five flowers hidden throughout, and the game grades you based on how many of the collectibles you find. Getting 100% on every level is immensely enjoyable, and even opens up difficult secret levels for the pros and mini-games where you can earn extra lives and special items. I do feel I must address one common complaint of this game. Whenever Yoshi is hit, baby Mario gets knocked off his saddle and cries obnoxiously until you retrieve him – it's widely regarded as the most annoying videogame sound effect of all time. I wouldn't know because I never get hit. But hey, at least you don't have to change any diapers.

#4: Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars
1996

Toad:
Yo! We are gathered here today to join Nintendo and Squaresoft in holy matrimony. They are inarguably the two greatest videogame companies of all time, and today, I am proud to announce that they have decided to work together to give us a game of epic righteousness! Now onto the vows.

Nintendo:
From the moment I first played a Final Fantasy, I knew I wanted to stick my plumber in your genre. I hereby offer you all the classic Mario characters, and trust you to give them rich personalities for the first time ever (other than Mario, who will remain a silent protagonist, of course). Joining Mario’s party will be Princess Peach, newcomers Mallow and Geno, and even Bowser. I will also throw in humorous cameos from other Nintendo franchises. I have created a beautiful new style of graphics for our game. It’s a 3D platformer from a fixed, three-quarters perspective full of stunning, pre-rendered 3D objects and sprites. And finally, I give you mini-games, puzzles and sidequests galore.

Square: I solemnly swear to write you an RPG set in the Mushroom Kingdom. It will be a classic tale complete with plenty of comic relief. I have invented a whole new interactive battle system just for us. It revolves around “timed techniques.” Whenever a character is attacking an enemy or receiving an enemy attack, the player can press a button, which, if timed correctly, will double the player's attack or reduce the incoming damage by half! And instead of random battles, you will be able to see every enemy before you fight them, and can even choose to avoid them if you wish. Finally, we have enlisted Yoko Shimomura, the finest female composer in the biz, to score our masterpiece.

Toad:
Nintendo, do you take Squaresoft to be your lawfully wedded partner?

Nintendo:
I do.

Toad:
And Square, do you take Nintendo?

Square:
I doeth.

Toad: By the powers invested in me and the Kingdom of Mushrooms, I now pronounce you – oh wait. If anyone objects to this ceremony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

The chapel doors are suddenly kicked open.

Luigi:
(out of breath)
WTF?! You guys made a game together and I wasn't invited?!

#3: Final Fantasy III
a.k.a. Final Fantasy VI in Japan
1994

I always ask gamers what their favorite Final Fantasy is. The answer is usually “7,” to which I always respond, “Ah, you haven’t played 6, have you.” It’s a shame so many young gamers are too close-minded to play anything pre-3D-CG, because they’re missing out on the greatest game in the series: FF6. Imagine the original Star Wars trilogy as a post-apocalyptic steampunk RPG. Yeah, it’s that good. The story follows a group of anarchists trying to overthrow an evil empire before they unleash a deadly force on the world: Espers (the proper name of intelligent, otherworldy creatures too often stereotyped as mere “summons”). This was a dark, tragic and adult-oriented game, addressing a lot of real world issues like discrimination, death of a loved one, teen pregnancy, child abandonment and suicide. The story is full of heartbreaking moments, a true Square trademark, but the melodrama was never better. The characterization is the best I've ever seen in a videogame. There is no protagonist. It's an ensemble piece, and each and every one of the fourteen playable characters is as deeply developed as they are diverse. I could, from memory, tell you each of their special abilities, describe each of their personalities, and even hum all their musical motifs. That reminds me, back in grade school, you were only in the cool club if you knew every character’s last name, proof that you had beaten the game (as the ending revealed their surnames). The overriding theme of the game is uniting a wide variety of people together for a common cause. You can see this theme echoed throughout the entire game. You’re often prompted to divide your small army into multiple groups to navigate dungeons or complete battle mini-games. In the final battle, you actually get to use all 14 characters -- only five at once, but when one of them falls, another immediately takes their place. That’s fuckin teamwork! The game is full of multiple choice mini-games that award you based on your answers, whether it’s a dinner conversation with the Emperor or memorizing the words to an opera before performing it onstage. Nobuo Uematsu’s score is his masterpiece, capturing the drama and emotion perfectly in every scene, not to mention giving each character an unforgettable motif. I wouldn’t say this without giving it years of thought, but I really mean it: this is the greatest videogame soundtrack of all time. It even contains my favorite song -- not just my favorite videogame song; MY FAVORITE SONG OF ALL TIME: the opera, "Maria and Draco.” Most people say the world is round. Well, my world is Square.

#2: EarthBound
a.k.a. Mother 2 in Japan
1994/5

There are two types of gamers in this world: those who have never played EarthBound and those who would give their right hand for it, because it’s one of the most lovable games ever made. Also, because you can play the game entirely with the D-pad and L button. EarthBound is the most unique, quirky, trippy, funny and heartwarming game you will ever play. It was an RPG on par with the Final Fantasies, though it was the polar opposite in style. Instead of a medieval fantasy, the game's setting is contemporary America. You’ll journey from the suburbs to the country to big cities and even abroad. Instead of going for a super-serious story, it's a comedy, and the game's target audience seems to be stoners. It's full of lava-lampy imagery, Beatles references, triptacular tunes, wacky jokes, and the characters themselves actually get intoxicated many times throughout the game. The plot follows four preteen dropouts as they attempt to save the world from an alien known only as Giygas. You fight enemies like “Lord Belch” and “New Age Retro Hippie,” you’ll dig in trashcans and eat leftover food scraps to replenish HP, and you’ll have to remember to call home frequently or Ness gets the status effect “homesick,” which renders him practically helpless. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Despite the game’s quirky humor, it really has a heart. Out of nowhere, it will suddenly curveball you with surprisingly touching moments with the most emotionally moving songs. I especially liked the game’s battle system. You could see all your enemies before you fight them which allows you avoid them or even jump them for a surprise attack. During battles, you had an odometer-style hitpoint meter that actually gave you a chance to heal yourself from a mortal blow before your HP hits zero. And after you’ve leveled up beyond the enemies in a particular area, they would all run from you, which is so much more convenient than having to constantly battle laughably weak random encounters. Urfbownd was THE cult classic videogame. I was one of the few children who actually bought the game. But thanks to word of mouth, internet reviews and Ness's appearance in the Smash Bros. series, this game’s popularity has snowballed so much since it’s bombed release, we can’t even call it a cult classic anymore. Now it’s just classic. Fun fact: EarthBound is actually part two of the Japanese Mother trilogy, though Mother 1 and 3 were never released in the US. However, EarthBound (Mother 2) has gained such a devoted fanbase that multi-lingual hackers have actually translated Mother 1 and 3 themselves and released the ROM hacks for free on their website. In case you're wondering, both are good; neither are great.

#1: ??????
A game this epic deserves its own epic review.

Top 50 SNES Games: Part 4

Why, hello, nerds. I've been expecting you. This is part 4 of my Top 50 SNES Games countdown/reviews:

#20: Super Mario Kart
1992

The great thing about Super Mario Kart was, you could take away the Mario and the karts, and the game would still be super. Putting weapons and items into a racing game was like adding karaoke to bars: fucking brilliant. With eight different racers, eight different items and twenty different tracks, Mario Kart was easy to learn, hard to master, and extremely addictive. To this day, it's my favorite in the series. For pro racing fans, the one-player mode is the ultimate racing challenge. I didn't beat Special Cup on 150cc until I was twenty-two. I still have nightmares about the original Star Road, a paper-thin course with no rails, ninety-degree turns and seriously pissed-off Thwomps. That's what I think all the subsequent sequels lacked: an addictive challenge. But honestly, the multi-player mode is where it's at. You can play two-player grand prix (which makes it easier to earn trophies) or simply fight each other with items in Battle Mode. My favorite item in the game was always the feather, which gave you a super-high jump. You could use the feather to jump walls or pits (shortcut!) or even go airborne to dodge an incoming red shell! For some retarded reason, the feather was never seen again in any of the many sequels! That's another reason the original Mario Kart is still my fav.


#19: Earthworm Jim 2
1995/96

Oh, EJ. The mere mention of this game gives me the giggles. I can just see the Shiny Entertainment game designers cracking up in their hot-boxed board rooms as they pitched wacky level ideas for this crazy game. Earthworm Jim 1 & 2 on are among the wackiest, funniest, most unconventional games you will ever play. The first game didn’t quite make this list, unfortunately, but EJ2 sure did. The dualogy is about a regular earthworm who gets caught up in an intergalactic adventure when a superpower suit falls to earth and lands right on top of him, turning him into the most unlikely superhero of all time. The zany characters, bizarre levels and absurdist humor put these game in a league all their own. “Groovy!” “Way cool!” “Tender…” These are examples of what EJ says when you pick up items and weapons, including a homing cannon which is appropriately shaped like a house. Most of the levels are standard platformers (and I use the word "standard" very loosely), while other levels are completely bonkers. One level has you rescuing puppies getting thrown out of a second-story window by bouncing them to safety with a giant marshmallow. Another level has you navigating what appears to be the inside of a vagina to the morbid first movement of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. Another level casts you as the contestant on a game show with questions like “What color is Jim’s red gun?” to which the correct answer is “green.” Along the way you’ll encounter unforgettable characters like Peter Puppy, a precious pink pooch… until you piss him off… Snot, your boogery sidekick, Psy-Crow, the villain, Princess What’s-Her-Name?, the damsel in distress, and cows. Lots and lots of cows. I still don’t understand the designers’ strange obsession with them, but it’s that kind of quirky, offbeat humor that makes this game so brilliant, and a must-play for stoners.

#18: Kirby's Dream Course
1994/95

Imagine playing miniature golf, only each hole is filled with fun things like jumps, warps and power-ups. Also, the balls are Kirbies, which you get to smack the shit out of. Kirby's Dream Course is a dreamy combination of a sports game and a strategy game. I immediately fell in love with the one-player mode of this game, and the 2-player is even better. Both modes have you putting on a 3D board, but you'll quickly notice that there isn't a hole. You have to kill all the enemies first, at which point the last enemy standing turns into the hole. There are all sorts of tricks you can pull: jump shots, curve shots, and even obtain classic Kirby power-ups like Ice, which gives you slippery momentum and freezes water; Stone, which stops you instantly and drops you straight downward; and UFO, which lets you fly wherever you want for eight seconds – including right into the hole. On one-player mode, you must complete holes in the fewest strokes possible, which is very puzzle-esque. The 2-player mode has some unique twists. For instance, you compete for the MOST points. You're not penalized for how many strokes you take. Instead, you compete to see who can kill the most enemies (one point each) and who can land in the hole first (two points). But you can also reclaim your opponents' kills by retouching the stars your enemies leave behind. You can even bump into your opponent to steal their powers and knock them off-course, literally. This is easily one of the best head-to-head games ever made, not to mention one of the most original.

#17: Super Mario World
1990/91

This SNES launch title also launched the greatest era in videogame history. It announced to the world that the SNES was indeed superior to the NES -- and it was also lightyears ahead of the Sega Genesis's launch title, Sonic the Hedgehog. SMW was the right game at the right time, showcasing just what the SNES was capable of: it was a massive game full of equally massive levels, with beautiful graphics, smooth controls and a stellar soundtrack. The entire game is full of unforgettable images and music. It's classic 2D Mario with awesome upgrades. Mario can now spin jump and throw items/shells up. The fireflower now turns roasted enemies into coins, while the feather now turns you into a caped superhero (which makes far more sense than a flying raccoon). There aren't many new powers, but this entry did mark the debut of the Yoshies. Part Velociraptor, part frog, the Yoshies come in a variety of colors, and each have their own unique abilities. If you finish a level while still riding Yoshi, you can keep it throughout other levels, although it will wuss out on scary levels like castles or ghost houses. Many levels could be beaten multiple ways, if you could find both the key and the keyhole. Then there's the infamous Top Secret Area, which is simply room full of power-ups you can stock up on (and doesn't even count as a turn when you're switching off levels on 2-player). There’s also a Special Area area full of super-difficult levels, and if you can beat them all, the colors on the world map get all funky, while many enemies take on new appearances. Since I got this game for my eighth birthday, my sister and I have continued an annual tradition of playing through it. We still find it just as enjoyable as ever, although since we've mastered it so thoroughly, we actually have to give each other creative handicaps to keep it challenging. We'll force each other to pull a "Starman," which means beating the level without getting hit, or "Pacifist," which means beating the level without killing any enemies, or, my favorite, "No turning back," which means taping the 'right' button down, so you have to constantly be moving forward and time your jumps perfectly. Most of the time we go far all 96 levels -- such an odd level total. Couldn't they have made just four more? But sometimes we'll try to find the quickest, most direct path to Bowser's Castle (only twelve levels). But no matter how easy this game gets, it will never get old.


#16: Donkey Kong Country
1994

Kool karakters, killer graphiks and a krazy skore are just some of the reasons this game was such a klassik. When crocodiles called the Kremlings steal the banana supply from the Kongs, the apes have to reclaim it. The first thing you'll notice about this game is that the graphics are stunning -- perhaps the best on the console. All the character models were made in 3D before they were rendered into a 2D format. Simply moving and jumping around with the Kongs is a joy to watch. The super-expensive, pre-rendered effects are remarkably fluid, and look kind of like a combination between CGI and stop-motion. The levels themselves are equally impressive, often featuring beautiful background and foreground layers that make the environments feel much larger than they are. You can play the game on 1P, 2P Contest or 2P team. 2P team is where it's at. Player 1 is Donkey Kong; P2 is Diddy, and no matter what mode your'e on, you can switch between Donkey and Diddy on the fly. DK’s a beast, so he can use a ground pound attack as well as kill larger enemies with his jump that Diddy can’t, but Diddy’s faster and can jump higher and further. Surprisingly, this was the only DKC game in which you could actually play as DK, which makes it feel all the more special. Throughout the adventure, you'll meet other members of the Kong krew: the sexy Kandy saves your progress, surfer-dude Funky Kong can fly you anywhere on the island, and old man Cranky gives you helpful hints (and comic relief). If I were a videogame character, I'd be Cranky. I loved how he was always bitching about how younger gamers don't appreciate videogame history. But it isn't all Planet of the Apes. You'll meet other friendly animals who will give you a ride. Rambi the rhino can break through walls with his horn, Enguarde the swordfish is like Rambi but underwater, Espresso the ostrich can flutter and Winky the frog can jump super high. True to the original Donkey Kong arcade game, DKC is also full of barrels, only this time, you get to throw them. You'll need to carefully carry barrels around levels to break into many of the secret bonus rooms. You can tell if you've found the bonus rooms in a level when an exclamation mark appears after the level name on the world map, and it's a great challenge trying to find them all. The game's jungle-jazz soundtrack is reminiscient of The Jungle Book, but even better. DKC is one of the best-looking and sounding games on the console.

#15: Tetris Attack
1996

Since Dr. Mario, there have been endless variations on the whole “match the colors” theme – Wario's Woods, Zoop, Puzzle Bobble, Snood, Yoshi, Yoshi's Cookie, Kirby's Star Stacker, Bejeweled, etc. Frankly, I don't care much for any of these so-called “puzzle games,” which actually test your reflexes more than your problem-solving abilities. However, hidden deep within the pile of Dr. Mario wanabes was a game called Tetris Attack, yet another tired variation on the same theme, BUT hidden deep within the game's many different modes is a mini-game called Puzzle Mode, which is truly one of the greatest puzzle games of all time, up there with Lolo and The Lost Vikings. In Puzzle Mode, you're given a series of brain-teasers in which you must horizontally rearrange blocks to align them with three or more of the same color. There are sixty puzzles.  Each of them give you a designated number of moves to (usually 2-3), and deciphering them is the most fun I've ever had with my clothes on. I guarantee these puzzles will keep you entertained and stumped for hours on end. This game will actually make you smarter! Despite Tetris Attack's disappointing main dish, the overlooked Puzzle Mode is so brilliant that it more than compensates. It's like a pizza joint that actually serves the best french fries in town. It's too bad nobody knows about it. For a taste, check out this Flash remake. It's not as good as the original, but you can play it online if you're not old/cool enough to own a SNES.

#14: Super Mario All-Stars
1993

I'm bending the rules to include this game here, but for good reason. Hell, just look at how highly it ranked! At first glance, it may seem like a meer money-hungry collection of NES rereleases. But upon closer inspection, it’s actually much more. For starters, All-Stars included the formerly Japan-exclusive Mario 2, aptly named the “Lost Levels” here. One can see why it didn't reach our shores before, as it's notoriously difficult. But for those of us who've mastered the original Super Mario Bros., the real Mario 2 was a welcome challenge. Rounding out the rest of the collection are the three classic NES Mario games we all (should) know and love: Super Mario Bros. 1, “2” and 3. But these aren't just ports; these are remakes. And unlike George Lucas's ludicrous changes to the original Star Wars trilogy, the changes Nintendo made to their masterpieces were not detrimental, they're actually (dare I say it?) improvements. Fear not, purists, the gameplay remains untampered with. The changes are mainly aesthetic. Most noticeably, all four games were given 16-bit makeovers, which normally, I would be against. But the visual upgrade neither distracts nor detracts from the gameplay. The artists simply added more detail and color to the existing artwork, and I have to admit, it looks good. Eight to sixteen-bit isn't that big of a difference, though, at least in the art department. The soundtrack, on the other hand, benefited greatly from a 16-bit remix. The SNES had far more layers and a greater variety of “instruments" to choose from. Just check out the underground theme from Mario 1, which now features a rockin' drumbeat and a metallic echo effect. But by far the greatest improvements Nintendo made to these games, and the main reason All-Stars made this list, was in the addition of save features. Back in the day, you had to complete these games in one sitting, and turning the power off on your NES meant losing all your progress. It sucked, especially when playing through the entire Mario 3 without warp whistles. All-Stars fixes this problem by letting you save four files -- per game. I love being able to stop and resume at any point. It's not often – practically unheard of – that an artist's retcons help their art instead of hurting it. This makes Mario All-Stars an anomaly, and it's actually my preferred way of playing the old 8-bit Marios.

#13: The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
1991/92

Third in the series, my second-favorite, and the first great Zelda game, Link to the Past was all about a thief named Ganondorf who finds the legendary lost Triforce, a magical artifact that can grant you any wish. Ganondorf wishes to rule a world of his own, which creates a parallel universe called the Dark World. It's up to a young Lightworlder named Link and a princess named Zelda to find a way into the Dark World and defeat Ganondorf before he and his goons return to lay waste to the Light World. This was the definitive Zelda game. I love how you get the freedom to explore the land of Hyrule, yet your boundaries are always limited until you beat the next dungeon and acquire the new weapon needed to access the next area. It's all very well structured, unlike, say, the original Zelda, in which you could stumble into the third dungeon first, or all these modern open-world games that emphasize quantity of things to do over quality. Many of the classic Zelda weapons are back, like the bow, bombs and boomerang... but many of the now-classic weapons were also introduced in this game, like the hookshot, ocarina, mirror shield, “power gloves” and the fire and ice projectiles. Damn, how does Link carry all that shit? This game also featured some bitchin' items never to be seen again, including the Magic Cape, which turns you ethereal, which is like invincibility plus the ability to pass through solid objects. Once you get the Magic Mirror, you can warp between the Light and Dark Worlds practically wherever you want, except for indoors, which was a brilliant mechanic, and far more convenient than having to return to a single spot every time you need to switch worlds, like in Ocarina of Time or Four Seasons. The game's dungeons are far more complex than ever before, often featuring a super-tricky part toward the end that's guaranteed to stump you for a few minutes, especially that damned Forest Temple or the infamous Ice Temple puzzle. The boss fights are epic. My favorite was the three-headed turtle-dragon of Turtle Rock. Some of the bosses were even recycled in future Zeldas -- that gooey mess of eyeballs reappeared in Majora's Mask, which, by the way, felt very uncomfortable in 3D. Some things just work better in the good ol' fashioned, fixed, top-down perspective. Koji Kondo's soundtrack is spectacular, and introduced many of the classic Zelda tunes. There are so many little things about this game I'll never forget, like that "unreachable room" on the dungeon map of Ganon's Tower, or that strangely modern house silhouetted in the background behind the pyramid that looked just like my house did when I was a kid, which I used to think was amazingly coincidental, especially since its only lighted window correspended with my bedroom. These are just some of the many examples of how much this game means to me personally.

#12: Goof Troop
1993

Goof Troop is like Zelda but with better puzzles, and it's 2-player! Man, when Capcom got the Disney license, they didn't fuck around. They could turn the weakest Disney-fare into the most surprisingly wonderful games, and Goof Troop was their masterpiece. Based off the characters from the mediocre animated television show of the same name, the game features Goofy and his son Max attempting to rescue their friends, PJ and Petey, from a gang of pirates. The game is equal parts action and puzzles. Half the time you'll be defending yourself from enemies, and teamwork during battle is crucial. Like DK and Diddy in DKC, Goofy is stronger, while Max is faster. Neither have any attacks. To kill enemies, you have to find objects like barrels to pick up and throw at them. You also have to ability to catch thrown items, from both enemies and your partner. Like Contra, this game was meant to be played on 2-player. For example, you'll often want Max to fetch distant objects and pass them to Goofy to hurl at enemies, since the Goof can take them out in one throw. You'll also pick up items along the way, like a hookshot to stun enemies, or a bell to lure them into trap. When you're not battling enemies, you'll be solving puzzles. And man, these puzzles are fantastic. They all follow the same basic concept: they all require you to move blocks onto switches, but there's a catch: once a block is kicked, in continues to slide in that direction until it hits something else. Solving these puzzles together with a friend is twice as fun. In fact, I think this is the single greatest two-player co-op game of all time.

#11: Shadowrun
1993

In this slick, noirish, cyberpunk urban-fantasy, you're Jake Armitage, a shadowrunner – one who still dares to walk the streets of a quasi-post-apocalyptic Seattle. The game opens with an assassination attempt on your life. Four gangsters gun Jake down in the middle of an intersection in broad daylight. Afterward, a fox approaches your corpse, morphs into woman, casts a spell on you, and flees. You then wake up in the morgue with amnesia. Your goal: to discover who tried to kill you and why... then get 'em back. There has never been another game like Shadowrun, before or since. Think Grand Theft Auto as a fantasy RPG – and without the cops. It's total anarchy! Venturing outside in this game means entering a warzone of gang territory and sniper fire. The game's warped, twisted version of Seattle is populated with humans as well as fantasy races like elves, vampires and animorphers. Every single area in the city matches the dark, foreboding theme; you'll explore ghettos, alleys, abandoned buildings, towering skyscrapers, sewers, tunnels, cemeteries and a junkyard. You'll acquire a bitchin' arsenal of both firearms and magic on your quest. You'll need to frantically search a new part of town for a street doctor to deactivate a time bomb inside your head. You'll get help from a dog god named H'oochin-ikwa. Shadowrun has several unique gimmicks to it, most notably the keywords system. The game boasts a terrific story, which is actually based off a novel called Never Deal with a Dragon, and solving the murder mystery of who killed you means asking a lot of questions.

Ask about... keywords.

Whenever you speak to another character, you can either “listen” to what they have to say, which often teaches you new keywords, or you can “ask about...” any of the keywords you've collected so far. Some gamers are bound to find the game too difficult due to the fact that it often gives you little direction. You will get stuck in this game, with no idea what to do next to progress the story. You always get a clue, but you have to figure out the rest for yourself. Like, you'll reach a locked door but won't have a key, so you'll have to find another item to force entry with. Or, you'll have a new keyword like The Matrix but you won't know who to ask about it. As a result, you often have to backtrack and ask everyone about a keyword until you find the one who can help you. This is no children's game. It's difficulty and mature themes give it a very adult edge.

Ask about... The Matrix.

Whenever you find a computer in Shadowrun, you (or any other decker in your party) can hack into The Matrix to steal money from bank accounts or download vital information. It's a cool mini-game that involves exploring a maze of invisible firewalls not unlike a Minesweeper board, only you can detect how many walls are nearby you at any time, and even destroy them if your computer skills are high enough, an attribute which you can increase with your karma points. But beware: cyberdeath results in real death. Sound familiar? By the way, this was six years before the Wachowski brothers' film, The Matrix, came out.

Ask about... karma.
Instead of earning experience from killing enemies like in a standard RPG, you're awarded karma points, which you can use to upgrade any of your attributes as you choose. There's Firearm, which increases your aim, Strength, which allows you to carry heavier artillery, Charisma, which allows you to recruit more mercenaries into your party at a time, and more.

Ask about... mercenaries.

Hanging around bars and nightclubs are fellow shadowrunners, and you can hire up to three of them to join you at once. Words cannot describe how thrilling it is to storm enemy turf with an uzi-toting dwarf, an elven decker and and a foxy, animorphing mage. They do all the fighting automatically, but you can also order them to reposition themselves with the cursor during gunfights.
Ask about... the cursor.

Much like a computer game, in order to examine things, interact with people or use weapons/items/spells, you actually have to bring up a cursor, move it across the screen and highlight whatever you want to interact with. I've read many complaints of this mechanic, but it never bothered me. The cursor moves fast, it's easy to use, and it makes combat realistic – in a gunfight, it would actually take a moment to steady your aim on an enemy.
I could go on and on about this game, but I wouldn't dare give any more away. Suffice to say, this is the most criminally overlooked game on the SNES.




Up next: the top ten!

Top 50 SNES Games: Part 3

Oh! Hello, nerds. I didn't hear you come in. This is part 3 of my top fifty Super Nintendo game reviews, #30-21:

#30: Super Bombermam

1993

KERBLAMO! Bomberman + a four-player multi-tap + four guys + Bailey's + Jaimeson + Guiness = an explosive evening. Allow me to explain. Bomberman is one of the best multi-player games ever made, especially if you turn it into a drinking game. My buddies and I love to prepare Irish car-bombs, and every time you win a match, you have to chug one. The SNES only started with two controller ports, but in 1993, the multi-tap came out, which allowed you to play up to four-players, which mainly affected sports games (my least favorite genre), but the tap was worth getting just for Bomberman. The matches are extremely fast-paced, rarely lasting over a minute. It's some of the most frantic, frenetic fun you'll ever have. Players are all thrown into a maze armed only with bombs, and the last man standing wins. Your bombs explode five seconds after laying them, and they also act as walls before they detonate, so mastery of timing, cornering and chain-reactions is key. You can also collect a variety of dynamite power-ups, including a boot (which lets you kick bombs), a glove (which lets you throw bombs), a fireball (which upgrades your explosion's range), remote-detonated bombs, and invisibility! This game's a blast! Apparently, there's even a single-player mode. Who knew?

#29: Mega Man X2
1994/95

There were three Mega Man X games made for the SNES, and you'd better believe all of them made this list. X2 was my least favorite of the three, though that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a kickass game. In the opening sequence, Mega Man and some other maverick-hunter are speeding across a desert on jet-bikes against a wave of enemy lazer-fire. The Mega Man wanabe gets hit and explodes. But does our boy in blue turn back? Fuck no. He accelerates. And just as he closes in on the enemy base, he leaps off the jet-bike as he olleys it into the robot guarding the gate, obliterating the shit out of him. And that's what Mega Man's all about. He's a fucking badass, made even cooler by the fact that he's not even trying to be cool. He doesn't flex, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't womanize, he doesn't wear shades indoors and he doesn't drop cheesy one-liners like most action heroes from the eighties. He's just a genuinely good hero with a talent for ass-kicking. X2 rocked almost as hard as the first X game. It actually had my favorite weapon selection of the X games, including the Magnet Missile, which was remote-controlled, the Speed Burner, which, fully charged, gave you a fiery horizontal boost, and the Crystal Hunter, which froze enemies in an ice cube which you can then use as a platform! Like its predecessor, X2 was full of hidden upgrades that only the cleverest gamers will find. The only thing I didn't like about X2 was the sidequest to reclaim Zero's parts, which involved defeating three secret bosses known as the X-hunters. You'd think that after locating the hidden X-hunters, defeating them and reassembling Zero, you'd get to play as him. But nope. Your only reward is getting to watch him defeat one of the final sub-bosses for you. What a tease.

#28: Mega Man X3
1995/96

Don't you hate it when you start a sequel with none of the many abilities from its predecessor? As usual, Mega Man starts X3 with a minuscule health bar, no upgrades and no special weapons. But this time around, Capcom finally decided to give the fans what they wanted: they let you play as Zero. He starts with a huge health bar, fully-upgraded arm cannon and a devastating lightsaber attack! But there's a catch: if Zero dies only once, he's gone forever, so be careful with him, switch back to his blue brother if he gets weak, and prepare to do some resetting. The funny thing is, Mega Man soon becomes the far superior choice, because X3 had the greatest upgrades in the entire series, including a helmet upgrade that pin-pointed the level’s secrets for you via radar, a leg upgrade that allowed you to dash and/or jump again in midair, and an armor upgrade that allowed you to, while standing still, slowly refill your health AND YOUR SUB TANKS! So, before every boss battle, you can just leave Mega Man sitting there to rejuvenate while you run to the bathroom/kitchen/methlab. Dr. Light kindly warns you that you can only choose one of the ultimate upgrades (damn, Capcom was getting stingy). If you skip the upgrades, a hidden capsule in the fourth Sigma level rewards you with all of them. I cannot describe how powerful and happy these make you. It makes all Mega Man's previous incarnations look like scrap metal. Aside from the ultimate upgrades, you can also acquire four mechs to ride around in and some cool special weapons. My favs: the Spinning Blade, which were close-range yet powerful, the Ray Splasher, which sprayed fire like an out-of-control fire hose, and the Tiger Fang, which could drill through anything, including cracked walls. As far as the X series goes, this should have been the last. X4-6, on the Playstation, are better left unmentioned. Capcom should have called X2 and X3 “Mega Man Y” and “Z.” I still recommend picking up the Mega Man X Collection, available for a variety of consoles, if only for the first three.

#27: The Lost Vikings
1992

Lost Vikings was the best action-puzzle game since the Lolo series (my two favorite games on the NES). The evil Tomator is a time-traveling alien who starts abducting Earth's inhabitants from a variety of time periods for an intergalactic museum/zoo to show off Earth's history. Everything goes fine until he abducts three vikings who decide to break out of their “habitat” and fight back. You get to control all three of these vikings and they all have their own unique abilities, which means you'll frequently switching back and forth between them to solve puzzles and defeat enemies in order to gude the entire trio safely to the level's exit. Erik the Swift can run, break through walls with his helmet, and is also the only character who can jump. Baleog the Fierce has the weapons -- a sword and a bow 'n arrow. Olaf the Stout has a shield which he can use for protection as well as hang-gliding. The vikes must fight their way through all the different sections of Tomator's spaceship "zooseum": prehistoric times, ancient Egypt, a futuristic factory and the wildly weird Wacky World (perhaps the sixties?). The game's most charming feature was the Vikes' witty batter, which provided great comic relief between levels or whenever you fail a level. You can play it with one or two players, but not three, which is a good thing. It's hard to explain why without doubling the length of this review, so just trust me. Personally, I preferred to play the whole game on one-player. Probably because I don't have any friends... I mean, uh, friends who will play the game with me.

#26: The Lost Vikings II
a.k.a. Norse by Norsewest
1994

Interplay did the unthinkable by actually topping the first game. The three Vikes are back, but this time, each of them have new abilities in addition to their old ones: Erik the Swift now has a new helmet which allows him to breathe underwater and rocket boots which give him a second jump. Baleog the Fierce has a grappling hook that doubles as a mid-range weapon. Olaf the Stout can now shrink to fit through narrow passages and fart, which destroys things below him as well as gives him a boost of air while hang-gliding. There are also two NEW characters: Fang, a werewolf who can use his claws to shred enemies or climb walls, and Scorch, a dragon who can breathe fire and fly! Only three of the five characters are playable at once avoid becoming overcomplicated, and the game always gives you the three you need to complete the level. The quirky quintet journeys through the countryside of Gothic Transylvania, medieval castles in the dark ages, pirate ships in the middle ages, ancient temples in the Amazon jungle, and a post-apocalyptic future that looks straight out of a James Cameron film. The action, puzzles and humor are all better than the first. It's also much harder than the first game. You will end up retrying many of the levels many times, but it's sooooo worth it. The more Game Overs you get, the more the vikings make fun of you, and the jokes just keep getting funnier and funnier. Go to Valhalla fifteen times and Thor himself chastizes you. It's not often that a game rewards you for failing, and it's touches like that that make the Lost Viking dualogy so wonderful.

#25: Super Metroid

1994

Samus Aran = the greatest bounty hunter of all time. Eat your heart out, Boba. Like Zelda III, Metroid III was the definitive game of the series, and completely negated the need to ever play its predecessors again. It’s one of the most unforgettable gaming experiences you will ever have. It’s a thrilling, epic, atmospheric game that really makes you feel. Anyone who’s played it knows what I’m talking about. Some games have such imaginative settings, you never forget what it feels like to be there, like Planet Zebes, a dark, unpleasant, cavernous hellhole where Samus is sent to recover the last living species of alien larva, the Metroid. Unfortunately, the planet is infested with hostile lifeforms. So basically you’re an exterminator, eradicating an entire planet as you attempt to find the last Metroid. Unlike most platformers which feature a series of linear levels, Metroid is one ginormous, open level. Like Zelda, the game is meticulously structured to limit your progress until you acquire the necessary power-ups. Ah, the power-ups. Super Metroid is full of them, and they're all fucking awesome. Morph ball, bouncy ball, ice beam, grappling hook, screw attack... the game just keeps getting better and better. And as complex as the underworld of Zebes is, it never gets overwhelming. You will get to know the planet like you're own home. It's divided into distinct sections, like an underwater area and a lava area, and you get hella helpful maps that tell you where you’ve been and where you haven’t. I loved getting all the blue squares pink! Metroid gave birth to the popular term "speedruns," where players competed to complete a game as quickly and efficiently as possible. The quicker you beat the game, the less Samus was wearing in the game's ending. Players that beat the game in under three hours got to see her in her undies! That's as slutty as she gets -- believe me, I tried. The controls are excellent: jumping and wall kicking are very precise, you can shoot in 8 different directions, you can even pull an Michael Jackson moonwalk! The music’s very dark and ambient, it really immerses you in the environments. Super Metroid also had some amazing boss battles, like Ridley, a metallic dragon, Mother Brain, the final boss, and my favorite, Kraid, a boss so Godzillian it can't even fit on the damn screen.

#24: Contra III: The Alien Wars
1992

This is my go-to game for a quick adrenaline fix. It's easily my favorite entry in the series, at least on one-player. As much as I loved the 3D Mode 7 levels on one-player, I can't say I cared much for playing it on splitscreen with a partner. Contra games were always awesome, but this one cranked the badassery to the max. It makes you feel like the star of a big-budget action film, throwing you into one classic action set piece after another. You'll jump through the fiery rubble of a freshly nuked city, duel a robotic spider while climbing the side of a skyscraper, and leap from a motorcycle to a helicopter -- then jump between airborn missiles as they fly toward the enemy base. Ridiculous? Yes. Ridiculously awesome! And for the first time, you don't have to enter the Konami code to make the game possible. See, all the previous Contras were unbelievably difficult on the default difficulty, and only by entering a famous button sequence on the title screen would you get enough lives to make the games possible (and enjoyable). But in Contra III, you can simply go into options and change the difficulty, or even increase the amount of extra lives you get per continue. I loved all the new features in Contra III: You could climb on walls and even monkeybar across ceilings, carry two weapons at once, lock your mobility so you can fire in any direction without moving, and get bombs that destroy everything onscreen. This game is like a mental trip to the gym; it will turn you from Jigglypuff to Duke Nukem, at least in your head.

#23: Mega Man 7
1995

Between X2 and X3, Capcom made Mega Man 7, a continuation of the original series. MM7 had a strikingly different style from either series, which is the only reason I can think of as to why the game is so underrated. The look of the game was neither as familiar as the old 8-bit games nor as badass as the X games. But don't let the colorful, bubbly appearance fool you. This game kicks major ass. It was great to see all the old faces return, and get a 16-bit take on the classic formula. As usual, Wiley has eight bosses for you to defeat, only this time, you only get four at a time, which I really liked. It narrowed down the trial and error period of trying to find out boss weaknesses. I normally abhor using the internet for help on games, especially on your first play-through. However, I do make an exception for Mega Man games, for which I always look up a cheatsheet for the boss weaknesses, just so I can play the levels in the right order. I don't have time for all that guess-and-check bullshit. MM7's greatest strength was its amazing level design. The stages really complimented their end bosses (for example, Spring Man’s stage is full of bouncy coil springs), and the bosses were some of the best villains in the series. My favorites were Shade Man, a vampiric robot who could actually drain your energy, and Slash Man, who was like X-Men's Wolverine on speed. I loved how the weapons could also affect the environment. Thunder Bolt could activate machinery in the background, Scorch Wheel could burn flammable objects, and Freeze Cracker could turn things to ice. MM7 also marked the debut of “the shop.” Between levels, you could visit Auto to purchase helpful items like Beat, a robot-bird who could air-lift you from pits if you fall into them. Each level also boasted brilliant secrets. Smart players will be rewarded with awesome items like Protoman’s shield and a jetpack! This is probably the most underrated game on the SNES. Though hated by many, I actually think it's the best of the original series. *flinch!*

#22: Disney’s Aladdin
1993

Alternate lyrics to “Friend like Me:”

Well, when Capcom got those Disney rights,
they made all the movies into gems.
And one of their best games on the SNES
was Aladdin (Copyright) *TM.

It's like Prince of Persia with good controls.
You're a rebel Arab acrobat.
And to get some azz from princess Jazz,
you'll have to get the magic lamp and mat.

It features all the tunes from the feature 'toon.
All the characters are in it, too.
If you don't believe me, look it up!
All you gotta do is read reviews...

...and they'll say...

..this game's the shit,
but Sega's version's just plain shit.
You gotta buy it for yourself and see:
You ain't never played a game like this!

#21: The Lion King
1994

Alternate lyrics to "The Circle of Life:"

From the day it arrived at the game store,
I knew it would have to be mine.
“Save up,” said my rents. “Every chore, fifty cents.”
“BUT I WANT IT NOW!” I started to wine.

So they bought me the game just to calm me.
And I'm happy to say, it was gold.
From the level design to the soundtrack and lines
straight from the film, it will never get old!

It's the Lion King game!
and it's fuckin' awesome!
I've shown all of my friends
and it always awes 'em.

'Til the final fight
where Uncle Scar has fast paws!
Only way I could win
was by constantly pressing “pause.”

And the list goes ever on... up next: the top 20!