“The meaning of life is hidden somewhere between interactive electronic games and mind-altering substances,” a talking television once told me before trying to eat me. Games and drugs may rot your brain, but they’re also two of life's greatest joys, so combining the two should be a no-brainer. Now drink up, level up, light up, power up and shoot up as I lead you through the magical realm of the best videogames to play while drunk or high:
#10: Pong
There's a reason they put so many arcade machines in bars. Simplicity is addictive, especially when under the influence. My favorite one-on-one game to play drunk is Pong – or, as I like to call it, Beer Pong. Just picture you and a buddy diving back and forth across the screen for that ball and missing every time. It's hil-fucking-larious. Then, when one of you finally manages to block it, you'll leap up cheering like you just defended a game point in the US Open.
#9: WarioWare: Smooth Moves
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#8: StarFox
“Whooooaaa, dude... check out those gnarly polygons!” For mind-blowing visuals, you can't beat the original StarFox. Those oldschool 3D effects are ideal for high flying. You have to shoot yourself up before you play a shoot 'em up. Take the default route to Venom; you get to fly through the Space Armada, a level so trippy I would intentionally lose against the boss just so I could watch the cutscene of that Arwing rolling through those hypnotic corridors again.
#7: Mega Man
Here's a drinking game I invented that you can play during any videogame: racing a friend to see who can beat a game first. This requires two people, two copies of the same game, two of the same console and two televisions. It's like a head-to-head speedrun with alcohol, or, as I call it, a “speedrunk.” My favorite games to speedrunk are the old Mega Man games. How does the booze come into play, you ask? Up to you! It's fun to come up with your own rules and penalties, like, “Every time you drink an E tank in-game, you have to chug a beer.”
#6: Earthworm Jim 1 & 2
The EJ dualogy is so effed up, you just know the designers were on something. With bizarre imagery, absurdist humor and eccentric soundtracks, every level screams, “WTF?” My favorite stage was “Villi People” from EJ2, which has you navigating the innards of a human body to Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata," followed by answering wacky trivia questions on a gameshow and playing Simon Says. As Jim so eloquently puts it when you get a power-up, “FUUUNKY!”
#5: Guitar Hero/Rock Band
If you really wanna complete the whole rock star experience, you can't be sober. The Guitar Hero and Rock Band series are always great fun, especially with a group of junkies and the volume up high. And when your reactions start to give out, all you have to do is turn down the difficulty. But you know it's time to cut off your buddy if he starts failing "Heart-Shaped Box" on easy.
#4: Super Bomberman
Bomberman + a four-player multi-tap + four guys + Jaimeson + Baileys + Guinness = an explosive evening. As if this game isn't already exciting enough sober, we always turn it into a drinking game: whenever you win a match, you have to chug an Irish Car Bomb (get it?). Since matches rarely last over a minute, everyone's bombed before you know it. It's a blast!
#3: GoldenEye 007
Lock and load! That is, lock the doors and get loaded, baby. I recommend playing first to 5 points, and every time you get a kill, you have to take a shot. Stick to slow-firing weapons like pistols -- gunfights will last hysterically long as bullets hit nothing but wall. My buddies and I always add rules of our own, like, “you have to score the game point with the slapper.” Before long, you'll have a room full of drunks trying to judo chop each other for the win.
#2: EarthBound
This is the RPG for stoners. The script is goof-tacular. There are Beatles references everywhere. The music is indescribable. The battle backgrounds look like lava-lamps. Your characters even get intoxicated multiple times throughout the game, causing some of the most dreamlike, psychedellic and beautiful sections in videogame history. You haven't experienced EarthBound until you've played it stoned. Oh, and save your best stuff for Saturn Valley, Moonside and the Dreamworld.
#1: Any Mario Game
Take your pick. I could have filled this whole list with Mario entries. You can consume shrooms and burning plants in Super Mario Bros. You can pop pills in Dr. Mario. You can eat leaves in Mario 3. You can touch fuzzies and get dizzy in Mario World 2. You can get artistic in Mario Paint. You can go on a drunk-driving road-rage in Mario Kart. You can wrastle your buddies in Smash Bros. You can play board games without the setup or cleanup in Mario Party. You can fly in many Mario entries. It's no contest. Whether you're on one-player or multi-player, NES or Wii, uppers or downers, that Italian goofball plumber always guarantees a good trip.
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