A Tribute To Legos

When I was twenty-two, my girlfriend of five years left me.  Losing her was traumatic. It reminded me of when I was a seven and I lost a one-of-a-kind Lego piece in my front yard: a tiny, neon-green pirate hook that was only obtainable by purchasing that precise set. I cried and cried, and though my mom and I searched the grass for hours, we couldn’t find it...

Ah, Legos. Nothing else even compares on the nostalgia-meter. I had a very happy childhood, most of which was spent with Legos. I was a Legomaniac. I still have five enormous bins full of them in my closet -- well over a million pieces. I try not to think about how much money my parents spent on all those sets. Legos were all I ever wanted for birthdays and Christmases year after year.

I began like most kids, building the sets per the instructions, playing with them for a few days, then wrecking them to construct something of my own design. But as the years passed, I began getting more creative. One day I invented the concept of “Lego Games,” which were essentially videogames, only with Legos. See, my childhood dream was to design videogames when I grew up, and with Legos I could create a fully interactive rough drafts of the games, complete with towns, dungeons, weapons, items, enemies, secrets, mini-games.. you name it! Then when my friends came ever, I’d give them a designated Lego man and they'd try to beat it.

Lego Games instantly became a huge hit in our neighborhood. Soon all my friends were building games of their own. But no one's were quite as elaborate as mine. I would spend months creating enormous, room-filling games that weren’t even allowed to be glimpsed until completion. I would type and print page after page of dialogue for my characters, which I would rehearse and perform during gameplay. I even selected classical music for each area of my games, assigning my little sister the task of operating the CD player during gameplay.

My friends and I continued making Lego Games well into seventh grade, long after most kids grew out of them. But one by one, my friends, too, lost interest, until there was no one left to play my games anymore. It grew embarrassing whenever I'd bring new friends into my room, where they'd see the mountain of Legos scattered across my floor. Not long after, I forced myself to pack the pieces away in the closet. It took a tremendous effort to let them go. Giving them up was just as hard as losing the love of my life.

Though I stopped playing Legos regularly, they never really disappeared from my life. Somehow they kept on popping up again. I used them to build a science project in high school. I attended a party for a college graduate who hosted a nostalgic Lego-building competition. And whenever I was at my ex-girlfriend’s house, I’d find an excuse to build Legos with her little brothers. It was a guilty pleasure to relive my childhood.

I didn't realize it at the time, but Legos were the single greatest foreshadow to the screenwriting career I would later take on years later. They were more than simple, plastic toys. They were a gateway to the art of storytelling. They awoke the creative side of me that may have otherwise remained undiscovered. They allowed me to create, share my work with others, get feedback and develop my artistic muscles. I credit Legos heavily in the building of who I am today, and I highly encourage purchasing sets for your own children (or passing on your personal collection).

I feel sorry for people that grow up without Legos. They miss out on one of the great rites of passage, at least in my life. Perhaps they find other outlets for their creativity.

I recently received a love letter from my ex-girlfriend. It reminded me of when I was seventeen, raking leaves in the front yard, and I came across a tiny, neon-green pirate hook embedded in the earth. It had endured a decade of Winters, dozens of rainstorms and thousands of lawn mower attacks, yet was still perfectly interlockable with its counterpart.

Top 20 Story-Songs

Songs that tell a story… I find them so much more interesting than the average lyrics. I racked my brain for days trying to remember all the best story-songs I've heard in my lifetime. Funny how such trivial things can become so important to you later on. I came up with nine good ones before resorting to the internet for a tenth, where I discovered so many more that I had to turn my top 10 into a top 20. And just to clarify, I consider a "story" one that has a clear beginning, middle and an end. Download these and you'll have yourself a better set of short stories than most book collections:

#20: Hurricane
Bob Dylan

This protest song was about a real-life black boxer called the Hurricane, who was sentenced to life in prison for a crime he clearly didn’t commit. Six years after the song was released, Rubin “Hurricane” Carter was set free, all charges dropped, his verdict deemed unfair due to racial discrimination. I like to think Dylan’s song made a difference.

#19: The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme Song
Will Smith

The theme song of Fresh Prince tells how a West Philly black kid came to live in a mansion in Bel-Air. The irresistably catchy hiphop lyrics were written and performed by the show’s star, Will Smith. I prefer the televised version over the extended.

#18: Last Kiss
Wayne Cochran & the C.C. Riders

A tragedy about a young couple who get in a car accident that gets to me every time. It's since been covered by many bands including The Cavaliers, Wednesday and Pearl Jam, though none have topped the original.

#17: Copacabana
Barry Manilow

This disco hit tells the tragedy of Lola and Tony, who once worked at a night club in New York. Why do all the saddest stories have the most upbeat musical accompaniments? Perhaps it’s to please both types of listeners: casual listeners who just like moving to the beat, and people like me who actually pay attention to the lyrics. Also be sure to check out Richard Cleese’s parody, “Star Wars Cantina.”

#16: Yoda
Weird Al

Speaking of Star Wars, Weird Al's brilliant parody of "Lola" by The Kinks actually tops the original. It narrates all the scenes with Luke and Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back. Gotta love it.

#15: Stan
Eminem

Told through a series of letters and audio recordings, a deranged fan, obsessed with Eminem, grows increasingly more unstable as his hero fails to write him back. Dido sings the chorus, which is actually a modified verse from her song, “Thank You.” It’s a disturbing rap with a surprisingly inspiring ending. The term “Stan” has since become the nickname for anyone obsessed with something.

#14: A Love Ballad
Bo Burnham

All the other songs on this list are very popular, commercial songs. This one is just a tragicomic love song a teenager put on Youtube. It’s a hilarious, disgusting yet heartfelt story about an unlikely couple. Hint: think Harold and Maude.

#13: April 29, 1992
Sublime

Also known as “April 26, 1992,” as that’s the date Brad Nowell sang by mistake in the take they decided to keep. The song follows rioters looting stores in response to the controversial Rodney King verdict. Funny, visual and powerful all at once.

#12: Tribute
Tenacious D

From the opening line, “This is the greatest and best song in the world,” you know you’re in for a treat. It’s about two hitchhikers that meet a demon who tests their musical abilities, à la "Devil Went Down To Georgia." I've never heard a song that was so funny and epic at the same time. I especially dig the archaic language: “Be you angels?” “Nay! WE ARE BUT MEN!”

#11: The General
Dispatch

An anti-war rock song about an old general who realizes the error of his ways. It always reminded me of Buster Keaton's anti-war silent film of the same title. Hey, I wonder if the song matches up to the film, like Wizard of Oz and Dark Side of the Moon. Probably not, considering the song's only four minutes long...

#10: Skin
Rascal Flatts

Also known as "Sarabeth," "Skin" is about a high school girl who is diagnosed with cancer. Call me a softy, but this one chokes me up more than any other. Damn these tear-jerking country songs! Pass me a Puff!

#9: Scenes From An Italian Restaurant
Billy Joel

This jazzy piece features two old friends waxing nostalgic in an Italian restaurant. Particularly, they reminisce about the most popular couple in high school, Brenda and Eddie, who ended up parting ways. The song really brings you back to the good ol' days. And could the pair in the restaurant be Brenda and Eddie?

#8: Hotel California
The Eagles

A traveler checks in at a mysterious hotel and gets more than he bargained for. This metaphoric song has been subject to a variety of interpretations. To me, it’s about heartbreak; after checking in, the traveler falls in love with the hotel whore, an employee who sleeps with all the male tenants. My interpretation of the final lines, “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!” -- the only way out of true heartbreak is suicide.

#7: Bohemian Rhapsody
Queen

The lyrics to this British rock opera have been endlessly analyzed, and the band wisely refuses to give explanation, encouraging you to come up with your own. Well, here’s mine: the beginning is clearly about a man who’s committed a murder, bidding farewell to his family and friends before going to prison -- I think we can all agree on that. But that’s where the song gets... abstract, to say the least. I interpret the opera section as the trial ("Let him go!" "We will not let him go!" etc.) and the rockin' section to be the man's desperate attempt to break out of the courtroom. In the bittersweet ending, he's left alone in his jail cell with nothing but regrets.

#6: The Trial
Pink Floyd

If you thought "Bohemian Rhapsody" was mad, get a load of this courtroom rock opera. The entire concept album, The Wall, told the story of a man plagued by traumatic events throughout his life, each causing him to add “another brick in the wall,” a metaphysical barrier he built to isolate and protect himself from pains of the outside world. "The Trial" is the totally insane climax of the album, in which the protagonist is put on an imaginary trial in his mind, his conscience serving as Judge. It's an artistic, lunatic, and ultimately liberating song with fantastic voice-work by Roger Waters. You truly have to hear it to believe it, though you may not fully appreciate it without listening to the entire 2-disc album first.

#5: A Boy Named Sue
Johnny Cash

Cash wrote a number of good story-songs, but this one is my fave. The title character is hunting down his absent father, who ruined Sue's life by giving him a girl’s name before he split. It's a funny, badass tune featuring the best fight scene ever put in song.

#4: Escape
Rupert Holmes

Tired of his girlfriend, a man responds to an ad in the personal columns that begins, “If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain…” Yeah, that song. If you ask me, it’s the best love-story-song ever written. It also really warps you away to a tropical paradise.

#3: Date Rape
Sublime

There's nothing like a good revenge story. This one's about a girl who gets date raped, then takes the guy to court (and for once, the courtroom scene isn't nucking futs). Sublime was the only band that got two songs on the list -- they have a real knack for musical storytelling, with their unique blend of humor, attitude and message, not to mention their kickass punk-reggae style.

#2: The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun
Julie Brown

Upon being crowned homecoming queen, Debi whips out a gun and starts shooting up all her classmates and teachers at the prom. It was a hilarious satirical song in the eighties, a decade before school shootings became a prevalent problem. Today, the song’s a bit more controversial. But the most shocking thing to me was hearing Debi’s motive in the end.

#1: The Devil Went Down To Georgia
Charlie Daniels Band

In this fantasy-folk tale, Satan challenges a talented young fiddle player, Johnny, to a musical duel. If Johnny wins, he gets a golden fiddle. If he loses, the devil gets his soul. It’s an epic hoe-down showdown that’s guaranteed to set your blood ablaze!

10 Red-Caps in Videogames

Have you ever noticed how many videogame characters there are in RED CAPS? You might not have; the headgear isn’t exactly cliché, though it’s certainly been a sneaky trend over the years. Here are ten I thought of -- and I’m not even gonna count the medieval caps seen on red mages, bards and the like -- strictly normal, modern, visored, red caps:


Mario

The red-cap that started it all. Shigeru Miyamoto said he gave Mario a hat to avoid animating his hair as he moved. I wonder if the plumber would still be as popular if he were a hatless baldy.


Diddy Kong

DK’s nephew actually has multiple red caps; one that’s blank and one that reads Nintendo on it. What a sell-out.


Slippy Toad

You may not have even noticed Fox’s klutzy teammate was a red-cap considering the tiny window he appears in mid-game, and the fact that you’re always busy trying to save his helpless ass. His hat should just read “panzy.”


Ness

EarthBound's hero not only wore a red cap, he wore it to the side! Talk about badass. I guess you'd have to wear your hat sideways if you're skipping school to beat up animals, thugs and cops with a baseball bat.


Pokémon Trainer

Although the trainer's original appearance was in black and white, the anime series colored the cap in red (as well as gave him the name Ash Ketchum). I always thought he looked like Ness, especially in the games.


Master Higgins

Higgins’ cap was actually white in the first three Adventure Island games (on the NES). But when he made the leap to the SNES, he exchanged it for a red cap instead. Conformo.


Huey

If you grew up with DuckTales, you should be able to tell Scrooge's triplet nephews apart. But for those of you unfortunate enough to have missed both the show and the NES game, their names are Huey, Dewey and Louie (left to right).


Deadeye Duck

Speaking of ducks, Bucky O’Hare's four-armed gunner was a red-cap.


Julie

So was player 2 from Zombies Ate My Neighbors.


Kirby

Okay, okay, this last one’s a stretch, because Kirby doesn’t usually sport the red cap, although he is known to don one occasionally, such as when he acquires the Wheel ability, or when he steals powers from other red-caps in the Smash Bros. games.




I’m sure there are even more red-caps out there. Can you think of any?

Smash Bros. 4 Wish-List

With the inclusion of Sonic the Hedgehog and Solid Snake in Brawl, I’m really hoping the next Smash Bros. game will feature more non-Nintendo faces. Way more. I think the roster should be divided in half, even if it means cutting down on the gargantuan Nintendo lineup -- they can start by getting rid of all the uninspired "clones." Here are my pitches for eighteen non-Nintendo characters I’d love to see in the ring (making twenty total including Sonic and Solid) as well as possible move selections for each:


Mega Man

Here’s a character at the top of everyone’s wish-list, and for good reason. It would be a dream come true to see the blue bomber beam down into a Smash arena. He had a brand new arsenal of weapons in every game, so there are plenty of special moves to choose from. My recommendations:

B: the standard pea shooter, as well as a charge shot if held down.
Down + B: the old-school slide attack.
Over + B: Rolling Cutter boomerang.
Up + B: Rush spring coil, which would remain onstage (like Sonic's Up + B).


Ryu

It wouldn’t be a true massive-crossover-fighting-game without a Street Fighter. And how cool would it be to easily pull off those special moves without having to memorize and execute long button sequences? The martial artist would be a real powerhouse, and one of his alternate colors could be “Ken.”

B: "Hadouken" fireball (that’s a no-brainer).
Down + B: parry/counterattack.
Over + B: hurricane kick, a.k.a. "Tatsumaki Senpuu Kyaku!"
Up + B: "Shouryuken" upper-cut.


Scorpion and Sub-Zero

Speaking of classic fighting games and palette swaps, why not throw in some Mortal Kombat ninjas? Scorp and Sub could be clones of each other, though their special moves could actually differ. And I’m guessing they’d have to leave their Fatalities at home to be eligible for a Nintendo game.

Scorpion:
B: shoots his harpoon, which pulls enemies in for a grab. “GET OVER HERE!”
Down + B: erupts the ground before him in hell-fire.
Over + B: a block that catches thrown items.
Up + B: teleport with a burst of flames (like Mewtwo or Lucario).

Sub- Zero:
B: shoots his ice-ball, which freezes opponents in place.
Down + B: creates a slippery ice patch on the ground to trip enemies.
Over + B: a block that catches thrown items.
Up + B: teleport with a puff of blue smoke.


Lara Croft

There need to be more women in the fight club, and who better than the most popular female game hero ever? The busty tomb raider would appeal to both male and female gamers. Throw her into the ring with Zelda, Peach and Samus and you’ve got a true catfight. That gives me an idea for a new item: pillows.

B: busts out her guns (that is, her pistols).
Down + B: switches guns. In addition to the double pistols, she could also pack her traditional shotgun and uzi.
Over + B: cartwheel attack.
Up + B: a grappling hook recovery (that works even on thin air).


Prince of Persia

The Iranian traceur would be a fast, fluid swordsman who’d specialize at juggling multiple opponents at once, like he could in The Sands of Time trilogy. He'd also be able to run up walls, and his home stage could be designed to take full advantage of his parkour abilities.

B: stabs with the Dagger of Time, which fills up his sand meter. After successfully stabbing three times, he gains the ability to rewind time.
Down + B: rewinds time (for up to 5 seconds) to redo those crucial mistakes. Imagine how fun that would be, especially with four Princes.
Over + B: vaults over an opponent and slices them in the opposite direction -- great when his back's at the edge.
Up + B: an upward-slice followed by a downard-slice (like Kirby's Up + B).


Zeke and Julie

Few would recognize the obscure duo from Zombies Ate My Neighbors, but like Ness, their appearance would overjoy the cult fanbase, renew interest in the source material and perhaps even revive the franchise.

Zeke:
B: fires a squirt-gun filled with holy water.
Over + B: hurls a six-pack of exploding soda cans.
Up + B: trampoline-bounce.
Down + B: lays an inflatable clown decoy to distract/block opponents.

Julie:
B: fires a squirt-gun filled with holy water, slower than Zeke’s but stronger.
Over + B: mows down enemies with a weed whacker.
Up + B: trampoline-bounce.
Down + B: sprays a fire extinguisher (big knock-back).


Earthworm Jim

The goofy earthworm who fatefully became one with the "Ultra-high-tech-indestructible-super-space-cyber-suit” could enter the ring on his pocket rocket, taunt his foes with retro catchphrases, and his Final Smash could make it rain cows.

B: fires his trusty, red (also known as green) plasma blaster, which could be just like Fox’s gun: fast but weak, with zero knock-back.
Over + B: whips enemies with his head, er, his original body.
Up + B: employs the Snot parachute, allowing him to glide glide (like Peach's parasol).
Down + B: throws an anvil in the air, which falls wherever opponent is.


Crash Bandicoot

Naughty Dog’s mascot would be a well-rounded character and a great choice for beginners. His home stage could be an ancient temple full of booby traps, including the giant Indiana Jones-esque boulder. For his Final Smash, he could don an Uka Uka mask.

B: fires the wumpa Fruit Bazooka.
Down + B: belly flop.
Over + B: spin attack.
Up + B: tornado jump.


Jak & Daxter

A pair so popular, they've practically replaced Crash as Naughty Dog's new mascot. Like the Pokémon trainer, Jak could be 3 swappable characters in one. He could transform into Dark Jak, a devilish alter ego with the most muscle; and Light Jak, an ethereal, winged form with the best defensive abilities. Taunts would feature a variety of hilarious Daxter quotes.

Regular Jak:
B: Daxter fires the morph gun from Jak’s shoulder.
Down + B: transform into Dark Jak.
Over + B: spin attack.
Up + B: Daxter hurls Jak upward.

Dark Jak:
B: charges up before unleashing a great finisher (like Falcon Punch).
Down + B: transform into Light Jak.
Over + B: spin attack.
Up + B: a blast of dark eco shoots him up, horns first.

Light Jak:
B: absorb projectiles (like Ness's Down + B).
Down + B: revert to regular Jak.
Over + B: spin attack.
Up + B: uses wings for a boost of air followed by a slow descent.


Master Chief

He’s the hero of Halo, the mascot of the Xbox, and one of the few modern VG characters who’s become as iconic as the classics. Microsoft’s faceless stormtrooper may seem an unlikely candidate for Smash Bros., but that’s exactly the kind of variety the series needs to draw in a new crowd. His Final Smash could call in an air-strike.

B: fires his assault rifle.
Down + B: draws a frag grenade, which explodes on impact.
Over + B: slices with his energy sword; close-range, hard to time, but very powerful.
Up + B: gravity lift.


Black Mage and White Mage

There are plenty of great Final Fantasy characters out there, but many of them have already been pitted against each other in Dissidia. Instead, what about simply borrowing some of the classic job classes? The mages would be identical other than their special moves, which could have opposite effects.

Black Mage:
B: shoots a fireball.
Down + B: lightning strikes wherever opponents are.
Over + B: a poison spell that slowly reduces enemy's health.
Up + B: creates a temporary staircase of ice in midair.

White Mage:
B: reflects projectiles.
Down + B: holy light strikes wherever opponents are.
Over + B: a cure spell that slowly restores an ally’s health.
Up + B: creates a temporary staircase of clouds in midair.


Crono and Frog

The time-traveling swordsman from Chrono Trigger always have time for a good duel. Crono would have great agility and lightning magic, he could enter the arena through a time gate, and his Final Smash could be Luminaire. Frog could have big jumps and water magic, his “grab” could shoot his tongue out like Yoshi, and his “shield” could be a bubble.

Crono:
B: shoots a bolt of lightning.
Down + B: parry/counter.
Over + B: cyclone.
Up + B: lightning launches him upward.

Frog:
B: shoots a wave of water.
Down + B: parry/counter.
Over + B: a powerful thrust from the Masamune.
Up + B: water launches him upward.


Simon Belmont

Konami’s vampire hunter would make a unique contender. He’d be a lightweight, considering the slightest touch from anything in the Castlevania games always knocked him back a mile. But his flail would give his smashes an unmatched range, which would, along with his other specials, make him a great warrior -- from a distance.

B: lobs a battle axe.
Down + B: tosses a bottle of holy water, which creates a small fire upon breaking.
Over + B: uses whip freely and creatively (like Shiek’s over + B).
Up + B: uses whip as a grappling hook recovery (that works even on thin air).


Dracula

The legendary vampire was born long before videogames were, but it was Konami’s Castlevania series that immortalized him in retro gamer’s memories. The arch nemesis of the Belmont family would be dead-slow but wicked strong. Smash Bros. needs more villains, and Drac is one of the few who could rival Bowser and Ganondorf.

B: shoots fireballs in three directions.
Down + B: covers himself with his cloak Bela Lugosi-style, reflecting projectiles.
Over + B: grabs opponent and sucks their blood, draining health.
Up + B: transforms into a bat, allowing him to fly for a short time.




There you have it, Nintendo; eighteen suggestions for third-party characters. I expect to see plenty of them in the next round. It's the only way the series could improve upon itself at this point. There are plenty of other wish-lists out there, too, though I believe mine’s the first to pitch extensive move selections. And it’s not just about getting to play as our favorite characters, it's about unity. After years at war with each other, it’s really great to see companies finally making the peace... even if it's symbolized by having their mascots beat the living crap out of each other.

Top 10 Classic Arcade Games

Everyone has a historical era they wish they would have lived through; the middle ages, the old west, the holocaust... or, in my case, the "arcade scene" from the early seventies to the mid-eighties. Sure, the graphics were primitive, but what made these games so endearing was their simplicity, their addictiveness, and of course, their high scoreboards. That's what the Cade was all about, man: high scores. These games were the ultimate test of concentration, stamina and perfectionism, and getting your TAG on a high score gave you immortal street cred. Ah, just imagine how popular you would've been with the disco roller-girls if you held the highest Centipede score at your local Chuck E. Cheese. This display of bragging rights sparked major competition between gamers, many of whom continue to fight for their titles. Sadly, I was born right when the arcade scene died. Thankfully, you can still find these games today on home consoles or the web. Had I been born ten years earlier, here are the games I probably would have spent the most quarters on. Oh, and just to qualify, my cutoff year for "classic" arcade games was 1984.


#10: Tron
1982

Welcome to the Game Grid. I'm Mr. Nerdstrom; I'll be your tour guide. Please keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times and hold all questions until the end of the tour. The cult classic film, Tron (about a programmer who gets trapped in a computer system and is forced to compete in gladiatorial videogames) was swiftly adapted into a videogame the very same year. The game was so popular it actually earned more than the film did. It’s comprised of four mini-games:

On your left is the Light Cycles arena. Only the fastest users stood a chance against our Light Bike programs. The game is very similar to another arcade game, Snake, only you had opponents whom you’re trying to cut off with the energy wall you leave behind you. In addition to making 90-degree turns, you can also speed up and slow down. It was the only mini-game taken directly from the film, and it was also our most popular.

On your right is the Tanks maze. It's built like a Pac-Man level, only the users would use a tank to destroy other tanks. The enemy tanks took three hits to destroy and you can’t take one, but you can ricochet your bullets off walls. This game required cunning strategy.

Straight ahead is the MCP Cone. This mini-game was a third-person shooter that has you shooting your way through a spinning wall as it closes in on you. Users must master their timing to create a safe path to the cone.

And directly below us are the Grid Bugs. Bugs was another third-person shooter which has you shooting your way through a jitterbug of spiders (who only appeared in the film for a single shot). This game was the easiest for those who simply wished to rush past the bugs and beat the level, but those going for a high score could risk remaining in the room lonter as they attempt to wipe out all the buggers.

The best way to play Tron nowadays (other than locating one of the original machines, if they still exist) is on the Xbox Live Arcade. But for Flynn's sake, switch the control scheme to configuration C or you’ll be derezed in no time. There are also many websites that allow you to play a multiplayer version of Light Cycles online, which is like a nerd's wet dream come true: http://www.fltron.com/


#9: Asteroids
1979

You’re the triangle. Shoot the circles. Sound dumb? You’re dumb! This game rocks! Get it? Shooting an asteroid causes it to break into two smaller asteroids. Each of those pieces have to again be broken in two before they’re finally small enough to destroy. That's all there is to it, except for the occasional U.F.O. that zips across the screen, which can score you big points if you’re quick enough. My first time playing, I thought the ship was stuck in the center of the screen and all you could do was “rotate” and “fire.” You can imagine my joy when I discovered you can actually fly around. The way your speed and momentum affect you is a feat of surprisingly modern realism. The game also has a wrap-around mechanic on all four edges of the screen, but if you still find yourself cornered, you can press the “hyperspace” button, which randomly warps you somewhere else. Asteroids was the first game that ever allowed you to enter a “tag,” or three-letter initials, on your score. I'm not a big fan of shoot-em-ups, but even I make an exception for this one. However, I just read they’re adapting it into a film.... Are you kidding me? Asteroids, The Movie? What are they thinking?! If they want to market a film toward gamers, they should adapt something with a great story, great characters and great dialogue, like, I dunno, a Final Fantasy? But no. They’re adapting Asteroids, a game with no characters, no story and no dialogue… but lots of action! I am totally seeing the midnight showing.


#8: Tapper
1983

In this classic bar game, you play as a bartender attempting to ward off thirsty drunks as they sneak ever closer to your taps. This means constantly filling mugs and flinging them down the bars, which knocks the customers back. Knock all the customers out the doors and you progress to the next level. Let them reach you and they throw you out of the bar. There are a variety of levels, each with their own unique theme: a saloon full of cowboys, a sports bar full of jocks, a rock 'n roll bar full of punks and even a Star Warsian cantina full of aliens! If you collect enough tips, you can afford entertainment, which distracts the customers momentarily (such as dancers or cheerleaders). This frantic multi-tasking concept has since been reused countless times, whether its in the form of putting out raging fires, calming crying babies or keeping hungry zombies at bay. In between bartending levels you get to play a cool mini-game. A hustler places a bunch of beer cans on the bar before you, shakes up all of them but one, then shuffles them around before making you pick one. If you open the wrong one, it explodes in your face. Open the right one and you get a huge point bonus (and a free drink). The Tapper arcade machine was actually designed to resemble a bar complete with a brass foot rail, cupholder and a tap handle for a controller. Controversial for advertising alchohol to minors, it was subsequently re-released as Root Beer Tapper, the exact same game without the Bud product placements. Real beer or root beer, who would have thought serving it was as much fun as drinking it?


#7: Donkey Kong
1981

One of the original platformers, Donkey Kong marked the debut of a chubby, mustached plumber who’s since become a household name. Interestingly, Mario’s original occupation was a carpenter (like Jesus!), not a plumber, his original nemesis was D.K., not Bowser and his original girlfriend was Pauline, not Peach! And if you really want to get technical, Mario and Pauline’s original names were “Jumpman” and “Lady!” Anyway. To rescue Princess What's-Her-Name, you must traverse the girders, ladders and elevators of construction sites as the giant ape hurls a barrage of obstacles at you, mainly barrels. What’s inside all those barrels, anyway? Oil? Booze? Other members of the Kong family? Your main source of points came from either jumping the barrels or breaking them with a Hammer, which was like the original Starman, temporarily turning you into an unstoppable maniac. This was not only the first Mario game, it was also the first “rescue the damsel-in-distress” game and the first game to tell a story through cut-scenes. They ain't no Metal Gear Solid cut-scenes but they get the job done, and hey, at least they give you the chance to play occasionally. D.K. featured a whopping four levels (which was unheard of at the time) that are played on a loop of sorts until you either lose all your lives or get to the rarely-glimpsed “kill-screen,” a glitch which ends the game on level 117. Steve Weibe and Billy Mitchell are still fighting for the world record to this very day (see the amazing documentary The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters).


#6: Mario Bros.
1983

Before the infamous Super Mario Bros. on the NES, an often forgotten little gem hit the Cade: just Mario Bros. Yeah, this was before they went Super. Mario and his kid twin brother Luigi are hired to rid New York’s elaborate sewer systems of strange monsters. The way you had to kill your enemies was quite original. I still remember my first time playing and how dumb-struck I was when I found that jumping on a koopa (or, as they're called here, Shellcreepers) didn’t kill it -- it killed YOU! That’s right, this was even before Mario’s jump was an attack. The only way to defeat enemies was to jump into the ground below them, flipping them upside-down, which then allows you to bump them off. You could also use the POW block to flip every grounded enemy onscreen. This game introduced the character Luigi and with him the “palette swap” technique, which allowed lazy designers to create “new” characters by simply changing the color of an already designed character, which became a common technique in videogames of all genres. Mario Bros. on two-player was where it's at. You and a buddy could compete or cooperate (or tell your buddy you’re cooperating, then betray them). I loved the game’s wrap-around mechanic, which allowed you to leave one side of the screen and appear on the other. The best way to score points was to set up combos: flipping multiple enemies over next to each other so you could knock them all off at once, scoring double points for each additional kill. Each level is ushered in by the popular opening of Mozart’s Serenade No. 13. Now that's old-school.


#5: Tetris
1984

From Russia with love came a puzzle game that required you to strategically rotate and stack falling shapes to create horizontal rows. Oh, how I adore puzzle games. Whereas most videogames test your physical coordination, puzzle games challenge your intelligence. The Soviet Mind Game has actually been scientifically proven to lower your glucose consumption and boost the thickness of your cerebral cortex. In other words, Tetris makes you smarter. But it's also been medically proven to be highly addictive, so beware. Once, while deep into a game, I think I achieved enlightenment. I began seeing things I never saw before. First, I realized that each of the game’s seven shapes are comprised of four blocks. Then I realized that those seven shapes are the only possible combinations of four connected blocks. Then I realized the shapes all resemble letters: I, J, L, O, S, T and Z. Then I began “rotating” those letters to form phrases, like “J-Lo’s zit” and “lost jiz.” But then my block pile reached the ceiling, I got a game over and awoke from my Zen state. The great-granddaddy of puzzle games holds nine Guinness records, including “Most Ported Video Game” for being available on nearly every conceivable electronic device ever made, so you shouldn’t have any trouble finding it. It also holds the “Longest Prison Sentence for Playing a Video Game” record for a dude who refused to abandon his cell phone game of Tetris while on an airplane, despite repeated warnings. Unbelievable. Some people have no decency! You can’t interrupt a good high-score run!


#4: Pac-Man
1980

Waka-waka-waka… I’m not exactly sure what the story of this game is so I’m just gonna make up my own. Pac-Man was raised in a strict household where Pac-Mom and Pac-Dad forbid him to eat sugary foods or chew with his mouth open. Pac-Man hated his parents, so one day, he ran away to live on the streets, scrounging for food scraps in dark alleys. Distraught, his parents called in the local law enforcement, The Ghosts, to catch their son and bring him home… or something like that. Whatever the deal is, your goal is to eat all the food pellets in each level, which means covering every square inch of a labyrinth, all the while outrunning four ghosts. Each level also has energizers that give you the ability to eat the ghosts, although the undead bastards keep respawning. Nothing beats the indescribable thrill of being in that maze. The lightning-fast pace will really put your hand-eye coordination to the test. Also, there’s much more to this game than meets the eye. There are areas of the maze that have cool affects on the ghosts, like the wrap-around warp tunnels, which make them go slower, and a secret spot on the board that the ghosts can never cross. Anyone who’s played enough of the game can even tell you about each ghost’s personality. Blinky is the fastest, though he can be easily lost by turning corners. Inky’s not as fast as Blinky but he’s harder to lose. Pinky is the smartest; instead of chasing you, she tries to ambush you at a future intersection. And Clyde is just retarded, randomly floating around the maze without a care in the world. Yep, I’ve played my fair share of Pac-Man. And in case you were wondering, the kill-screen’s on level 256.


#3: Frogger
1981

Why did the frogs cross the road? To get to the river! Why did the frogs cross the river? To get to the road! Why did the frogs continue crossing roads and rivers, long after they realized there was no end to the cycle? To set a new high score, of course! Guiding the frogs home is easy at first, but the challenge jumps higher and higher as the cars get faster, the rivers get wilder and more enemies emerge, all aiming to turn you into roadkill or lunch. Legend has it, Frogger was once so popular, arcades not only featured two or three of the machines right next to each other, but there were often lines to play each of them! Today, the machines are a little harder to come by… The nearest public Frogger machine to where I live is a good hour away, hidden in the dark corner of a seedy bar. But the drive is worth it. Frogger is a terrific test of timing, and I miss games with such simple controls. A PS3 controller has seventeen buttons on it, plus two joysticks! Games like Frogger, Pac-Man and Pong are each played with only one joystick. Yeah, it limits your options, but I find it much easier to get completely engrossed in these games. After spending a few quarters on Frogger, I totally get in the zone. I become one with the machine. I am the frog. I’m proud to say that I hold the #1 score on that bar's lonely machine. And I’ll continue making annual visits to ensure my record isn’t squished. And if anyone ever sets a higher score, I’ll ribbit apart! And I’ll continue to defend my score ‘til the day I croak!


#2: Vs. Balloon Fight
1984

Judge: Order in the court! The prosecutor, Midway, has accused the defendant, Nintendo, of stealing the concept for their arcade game, Balloon Fight, from Midway's game, Joust. I now call Midway to the stand. Midway, do you swear do tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Raiden?

Midway: I do. Your honor, Nintendo has blatantly ripped off our product. See, in our game, Joust, you play as a knight flying on a giant bird. Your goal is to fly around the screen, bouncing on your enemies' heads to kill them. In Nintendo’s game, Balloon fight, you play as a Balloon Fighter, who, by the way, looks like Tingle from Majora’s Mask wearing Mario’s overalls and a retard’s helmet...

Nintendo: Objection!

Judge: Sustained.

Midway: ...and your goal is virtually the same: to fly around the screen, popping the enemies' balloons to kill them. The gameplay is practically identical. I haven’t seen such a pathetic, unauthorized ripoff since Ms. Pac-Man!

Judge: Please be seated. I now call Nintendo to the stand. Nintendo, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Golden Goddesses?

Nintendo: I do. Now, I’ll admit, Balloon Fight was inspired by Joust. However, we made many notable differences -- or should I say, improvements -- over Joust. For starters, Balloon Fight is much more user-friendly. The controls are better, the difficulty is lower and the graphics are more attractive, unlike Joust, in which the "lancer" is as indistinguishable as Atari's E.T., and his "lance" looks more like a protruding boner.

Midway: Objection!

Judge: Overruled.

Nintendo: Secondly, Joust had no music. Balloon Fight, on the other hand, has the catchiest song since Frogger! And third of all: we even created an entirely new mini-game on the menu called Balloon Trip, in which you simply fly as far as you can without getting hit. We feel our game is significantly different (not to mention better) than the prosecutor's, and that calling Balloon Fight a "ripoff" would be like calling every shooter a ripoff of Space Invaders.

Judge: Please be seated. I now call for a ten minute recess while the jury makes their decision.

Forty-five minutes later…

Judge: All rise for the verdict! Members of the jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We find the defendant, Balloon Fight, not guilty... and extremely addictive.

Judge: I hereby sentence Balloon Fight to be mass-produced for the Nintendo, but to always respect Joust's historical significance. Court adjourned!


#1: Pong
1972

Bleep…

Bloop…

Bleep…

Bloop…

Left Paddle: Here comes my fastball!

Right Paddle: Not bad… for a lefty!

Left Paddle: Big talk for someone still in the millions!

Right Paddle: Oh, like you can still remember the score at your age, gramps.

Left Paddle: I’m just as old as you are!

Right Paddle: Hey, check it out. We got company.

Left Paddle: Looks like one of those new-gen gamers.

Right Paddle: Probly thinks us old farts look pretty lame.

Left Paddle: Get lost, whippersnapper! Nothing fancy to see here.

Right Paddle: Yeah, go back to your PS7.

Left Paddle: Games. They don’t make ‘em like they used to.

Right Paddle: Today, it’s all about graphics and gimmicks.

Left Paddle: Three-D. Harrumph!

Right Paddle: Motion control. Harrumph!

Left Paddle: Back in our day, game designers didn’t have access to all the unnecessary albeit attractive detail of modern games.

Right Paddle: But it was precisely those limitations which allowed the designers to focus more on what’s really important: the gameplay.

Left Paddle: Go ahead, kid. Lay into us.

Right Paddle: We’ve heard it all.

Left Paddle: “Pong is so old, it’s in black and white!”

Right Paddle: “Pong is so old, you can count the pixels!”

Left Paddle: Well, lemme tell ya something, kid. Pong wasn't the first videogame, but it is widely regarded as the first great game.

Right Paddle: We started this industry! So pay your respects!

Left Paddle: The best part is, this game hasn’t aged a bit!

Right Paddle: We’ve been playing it nonstop since it first hit the Cade in ’72!

Left Paddle: And to this day, it’s still one of the most exciting head-to-head games out there.

Right Paddle: The paddles are thin! and the ball is fast!

Left Paddle: And the ball is fast!

Right Paddle: Not the way you hit it, old timer!

Left: Oh yeah? Watch the comet-trail on this shot!
Right Paddle: And if you really wanna shake things up, crack open a few brewskies and turn it into Beer Pong!

Left Paddle: You just gotta play it for yourself, kid. Watching a game does it no justice.

Right Paddle: We highly recommend the Sears Tele-Games home console version of Super Pong.

Left Paddle: But you’ll have to plug it into multiple adaptors just to play it on your new age, color, fifty-inch plasma flatscreens!

Right Paddle: And you’ll have to keep the dials clean. The left paddle likes to stick on ya!

Left Paddle: That’s it, blockhead. No more Mr. Nice Paddle!

Right Paddle: Oh, you asked for it, spanky! Take that!

The Ball: Uh, could we maybe take a break, guys? I’m getting’ a splittin' headache here.




If you liked these reviews, check out my Top 20 NES Games.

My Favorite Videogames of All Time (Intro)

I have devoted my life to finding every great videogame ever made and reviewing them here.

Here's how it all started...

My girlfriend of five years left me.  Feeling I had nothing left to live for, I started binging on my favorite escape from reality: videogames.  I had already been an avid, hardcore gamer my entire life, but now that I was spending nearly eight hours a day gaming, I was accumulating an extremely vast knowledge of videogame history.  I decided to combine my passion for gaming and writing and start penning reviews.  Not long after that, I began creating lists of my "favorite games of all time."  Those countdowns soon snowballed into the most gargantuan research project I’ve ever undertaken, for I realized that if I truly planned on creating a respectable list, I needed to become much more familiar with videogames "of all time." After all, I missed out entirely on the first three generations of videogames, quite a few games for the consoles I grew up with and a boatload of contemporary games, considering I hadn’t bought one in years.

Thus began the endless research process, during which I’ve been spending an undisclosed amount of time and money reading about, watching and playing through an enormous amount of games until I finally felt educated and comfortable enough with each generation to throw my two quarters in. Man, if only I had applied this much effort in school...

I’ve decided to make multiple lists; one for each console -- that is, each console I consider noteworthy. Sorry, Virtual Boy. The lists will come one at a time, in chronological order and at great intervals, as this project is proving quite time consuming. But I’ve been constantly fueled by the need to pass on my recommendations, not only to justify my existence. I know too many gamers who play nothing but “new games,” or only games that they grew up with. This is a sin I feel I have to purge. I also happen to know many younger gamers who are interested in games before their time but simply don’t know where to start. Either way, I hope my work here will inspire gamers of the future to seek out games of the past. It’s never too late to play ketchup (I didn’t own an original Nintendo until my twenties).

Three things you should know about me:

1) I’m a console gamer. If you’re into computer games, you’re in the wrong place. Sorry.  I know very little about computers.  Mine have always had less RAM than a pocket calculator. Oregon Trail would probably fry my hard-drive.

2) I’m only a 3-corner gamer. That means I tend to enjoy only three quarters of the videogame genres: I love role-playing games, action-adventures, platformers, puzzle games, party games, racing games, music games, sim games and indie downloadable games, but I tend to dislike most sports games, fighting games, and shooters -- what I deem "casual gamefare."  But hey, art is subjective.  Please note that these lists are by no means my opinion, they’re merely fact.

3) I'm a critical gamer.  I don't just play videogames for fun.  I critique them as an artform -- yes, I believe videogames are an artform.  Anyone who doesn't clearly isn't playing the right games.  My credentials: I've been a lifelong gamer, game designer, writer, musician and artist, and therefor deem myself quite qualified at critiquing a game's gameplay, design, writing, soundtrack and graphics -- although the latter matters very little to me.  I care much more about how a game feels and sounds than how it looks.  When judging a game, I do have high standards but also a very open mind.  I give everything a chance, even the aforementioned genres I tend to dislike.  Despite my tastes, nostalgia does not impair my judgment. Many of the games I adored as a child have received less kind reevaluations today. And every time I play another “new" game, it gets the same chance of favoritism as the games I grew up with.  My current top ten list (which I frequently update) features everything from Lolo to Limbo.

If and when I ever catch up to the modern era of gaming, I plan on publishing a list of my top 100 games in numerical order. 


It all begins here: My Top 10 Classic Arcade Games

The 7 Deadly Sins in Video Games

The following article was published in a Catholic Church Forum in South Carolina, 1994, examining the 7 Deadly Sins in videogames of the era:

This is an urgent message to parents with young children and all who worship the Lord. A popular form of entertainment has emerged in the last decade known as "Video Games." While they may seem an innocent pass-time for our children, the prevalence of the Seven Deadly Sins in these games is prolific. Here are but a few examples of each Sin that have been brought to our attention.

Lust: Apparently, the ultimate goal of these Video Games is to rescue a princess -- a cause that seems noble and just, but is merely lust in disguise, for once the player completes the game and rescues the princess, does she marry the hero before a minister? No. The screen merely fades to black, an obvious implication of seduction and pre-marital fornication.

Gluttony: Overindulgence is common in Video Game characters. “Pacman” is nothing but a giant mouth who races through mazes devouring "energizers" (or drugs), fruit (the Devil’s temptations), and even phantoms (servants of the Dark Lord). Other gluttonous characters include “Yoshi,” Mario’s pet dinosaur who binges on its foes, and “Kirby,” a deceivingly sweet-looking puffball with a vacuum for a mouth and a bottomless pit for a stomach (an obvious reference to the Underworld). Considering the addictive nature of Video Games and the strenuous amount of time it takes to complete them, the act of playing the games themselves is a form of gluttony.

Greed: The collection of obscene amounts of “coins” and “GP” (gold pieces) is another trademark in Video Games. In games like "Mario" and "Sonic," for every one hundred coins you collect, you’re rewarded with “extra life.” As we all know, wealth is NOT the Holy Grail of everlasting life. In "The Final Fantasies," you collect gold in order to purchase new weapons of destruction. These games encourage children to value material goods and war over Christian values like generosity and peace.

Sloth: To play Video Games is to seek solitude, and in isolation is where the Devil thrives. These games pit the player against the rest of the world, which tricks children into thinking everyone is against them, including the Lord, thus leading children astray to atheism and other secular theories.

Wrath: Video Games are centered around killing your opponents before they kill you. This teaches children to resort to anger and violence rather than resolve issues in a civilized and pious manner. Also, the difficulty level of these games are allegedly so great, they cause the player uncontrollable feelings of anger and hatred. Witnesses testify to hearing their normally well-behaved children shouting unholy profanities at the television monitor while playing.

Envy: This Sin is usually reserved for Video Game villains such as "Donkey Kong" and "Bowser," who kidnap the hero’s love interest (or lust interest) for themselves. However, you may be shocked to learn that even the heroes of these games exhibit signs of envy. Characters like “Megaman” and the aforementioned Satanist "Kirby" actually steal their opponents’ abilities upon defeating them. “Role Playing Games,” which are also notorious for their favorable depictions of black magic, typically feature thieves that the player must use to steal from others. These games inspire children to resort to crime and witchcraft.

Pride: Many Video Game characters display excessive love of themselves, evident by advertising their name on their clothing (such as the “M” and “L” on Mario and Luigi’s hats and the “D” on Donkey Kong’s tie, which are all subliminal references to Satan, also known as “Mephisto,” “Lucifer” and “Diablo”). Pride is also common in games of the racing and fighting nature, characterized by poor sportsmanship, gloating, cheating and suggestive victory dances.

As you can see, the Seven Deadly Sins are omnipresent in Video Games. They are a haven for the Devil’s tricks. He gets to our children while they’re young and susceptible, in our own houses, right under our family’s noses. You must confiscate all your children’s Video Games and destroy them immediately, before they convert the next generation to Satanists and Pagans. Pray for your children’s forgiveness and suggest to them alternative pass-times such as playing sports, joining a youth service, or reading the Bible.

The previous article was actually a satire written by Arek as an April Fool's joke in 2009.

10 Common Misconceptions Everyone Should Correct

Blood is red, not blue; the Koala is a marsupial, not a bear; and the Solar System has eight planets, not nine (sorry, Pluto). With all of today’s political promises, too-good-to-be-true sales offers and questionably accurate websites [citation needed], it’s hard to know what to believe. I can’t separate all the facts from fiction, but I can cure ten common misconceptions that most people seem to suffer from. See how many of these you didn’t know:

1. Noah's Ark
Pop quiz: how many of each animal were on Noah’s Ark? Two, right? WRONG! The tale specifically states that the ship carried a whopping seven of each “clean beast” and only two of the “unclean beasts.” Sounds like Noah's gonna need a bigger boat...

2. “Luke, I Am Your Father”
Don't you hate it when someone tries quoting a great line and just butchers it? Well, of all the famous incorrectly quoted movie lines, none were so popular as Darth Vader's when he spilled the beans about his family tree at the end of The Empire Strikes Back. However, us true geeks know Vader's actual line as, “No. I am your father.” Oh, and in case you were wondering, Luke’s line is, “NOOOOOOOOOO!"

3. One of Zero Objects Visible From Space
The Great Wall of China is often credited as being visible from space… but is it? Sure, maybe from “inner space.” In low orbit, you’re still able to see a lot of things, such as highways and buildings. But from any real distance, like the moon, no man-made objects are visible (after all, the Wall is only ten feet wide). China was just being greedy.

4. Itch That -- Wait, Scratch That
This mistake is so common that it’s actually become acceptable, even by some dictionary's standards. But if you ever ask me to “itch your scratch,” I’ll do more than correct you! I still adhere to the old Itchy and Scratchy rule of grammar, which states that “itch” refers to the irritating sensation of the skin and that “scratch” refers to the reflexive response. Personally, it itches me when people are so ignorant, and correcting them is like a good, satisfying scratch.

5. Pass Me a Kleenex
You mean, pass you a tissue! “Kleenex” is actually a specific brand name for tissues, but due to its catchy name (and a good marketing campaign), the product became so popular that it’s virtually replaced the generic name for a tissue. Imagine if things turned out differently and we all said, “Pass me a Puff."

6. Frankenstein
When most people hear the name, they picture the monster. But anyone who read Mary Shelley’s classic knows that Frankenstein was actually the doctor. I blame this misconception on uneducated Halloween-costume-designers and misleading films titles like Bride of Frankenstein. But seriously, why didn't Franky name the monster? If he was brilliant enough to create life, you think he’d at least be smart enough to come up with a good name, like, I dunno, “Stitches.”

7. Speaking of Doctors…
Theodor Seuss Geisel, a.k.a. Dr. Seuss, was one of the most beloved and influential poets of the 20th century. Everyone knows “Green Eggs and Ham” and “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!,” but not many know that Seuss is actually pronounced “Zoice” (rhymes with voice, not juice). You can’t blame parents or kids for this one. Seuss was an intensely private man who never left his tower long enough to correct anyone. So when you introduce your kids to Seuss (which you’d better), please introduce, too, the correct pronunciation.

8. Pong Was Not the First Videogame
Nerds: take a minute. Catch your breath. It’s true. At the time of the game’s release (in 1972), electronic interactive games, however basic, had already been around for over twenty years. I've also heard Pong referred to as the first arcade game, the first home console game and the first multiplayer game, all of which are false. However, Pong was the first videogame to achieve enormous popularity, and is widely credited with launching the modern videogame industry. So, for all you gamers out there, bow down before the almighty ball and paddles.

9. The Swastika
Though commonly associated with the Nazi party, the figure known today as the “swastika” actually dates back to the Stone Age. It was often used as a good luck symbol and was especially popular in ancient cultures due to its appearance on the pattern of weaved baskets. The shape was used by Persians, Celts, Greeks, Buddhists, Hindus, and Native Americans before being adopted by Adolf and his merry men. However, I still wouldn't recommend getting it tattooed anywhere visible.

10. You Could Care Less, Right?
Well, technically, the expression, “I could care less,” means, in fact, the opposite, for if one claims it possible to “care less” about a subject, one implies they care at least somewhat for said subject. Therefore, if one wishes to express disinterest in the subject, one should instead elect to say, “I could care more.” As if one even cares.

So, the next time somebody misquotes, mispronounces or just misses entirely... do us all a favor. Correct them. P.S. -- I apologize to fans of Pluto, but it was demoted from planetary status in 2006, as it failed to meet the new “planetary guidelines.”