Everyone has a historical era they wish they would have lived through; the middle ages, the old west, the holocaust... or, in my case, the "arcade scene" from the early seventies to the mid-eighties. Sure, the graphics were primitive, but what made these games so endearing was their simplicity, their addictiveness, and of course, their high scoreboards. That's what the Cade was all about, man: high scores. These games were the ultimate test of concentration, stamina and perfectionism, and getting your TAG on a high score gave you immortal street cred. Ah, just imagine how popular you would've been with the disco roller-girls if you held the highest Centipede score at your local Chuck E. Cheese. This display of bragging rights sparked major competition between gamers, many of whom continue to fight for their titles. Sadly, I was born right when the arcade scene died. Thankfully, you can still find these games today on home consoles or the web. Had I been born ten years earlier, here are the games I probably would have spent the most quarters on. Oh, and just to qualify, my cutoff year for "classic" arcade games was 1984.
#10: Tron
1982
Welcome to the Game Grid. I'm Mr. Nerdstrom; I'll be your tour guide. Please keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times and hold all questions until the end of the tour. The cult classic film, Tron (about a programmer who gets trapped in a computer system and is forced to compete in gladiatorial videogames) was swiftly adapted into a videogame the very same year. The game was so popular it actually earned more than the film did. It’s comprised of four mini-games:
On your left is the Light Cycles arena. Only the fastest users stood a chance against our Light Bike programs. The game is very similar to another arcade game, Snake, only you had opponents whom you’re trying to cut off with the energy wall you leave behind you. In addition to making 90-degree turns, you can also speed up and slow down. It was the only mini-game taken directly from the film, and it was also our most popular.
On your right is the Tanks maze. It's built like a Pac-Man level, only the users would use a tank to destroy other tanks. The enemy tanks took three hits to destroy and you can’t take one, but you can ricochet your bullets off walls. This game required cunning strategy.
Straight ahead is the MCP Cone. This mini-game was a third-person shooter that has you shooting your way through a spinning wall as it closes in on you. Users must master their timing to create a safe path to the cone.
And directly below us are the Grid Bugs. Bugs was another third-person shooter which has you shooting your way through a jitterbug of spiders (who only appeared in the film for a single shot). This game was the easiest for those who simply wished to rush past the bugs and beat the level, but those going for a high score could risk remaining in the room lonter as they attempt to wipe out all the buggers.
The best way to play Tron nowadays (other than locating one of the original machines, if they still exist) is on the Xbox Live Arcade. But for Flynn's sake, switch the control scheme to configuration C or you’ll be derezed in no time. There are also many websites that allow you to play a multiplayer version of Light Cycles online, which is like a nerd's wet dream come true: http://www.fltron.com/
#9: Asteroids
1979
You’re the triangle. Shoot the circles. Sound dumb? You’re dumb! This game rocks! Get it? Shooting an asteroid causes it to break into two smaller asteroids. Each of those pieces have to again be broken in two before they’re finally small enough to destroy. That's all there is to it, except for the occasional U.F.O. that zips across the screen, which can score you big points if you’re quick enough. My first time playing, I thought the ship was stuck in the center of the screen and all you could do was “rotate” and “fire.” You can imagine my joy when I discovered you can actually fly around. The way your speed and momentum affect you is a feat of surprisingly modern realism. The game also has a wrap-around mechanic on all four edges of the screen, but if you still find yourself cornered, you can press the “hyperspace” button, which randomly warps you somewhere else. Asteroids was the first game that ever allowed you to enter a “tag,” or three-letter initials, on your score. I'm not a big fan of shoot-em-ups, but even I make an exception for this one. However, I just read they’re adapting it into a film.... Are you kidding me? Asteroids, The Movie? What are they thinking?! If they want to market a film toward gamers, they should adapt something with a great story, great characters and great dialogue, like, I dunno, a Final Fantasy? But no. They’re adapting Asteroids, a game with no characters, no story and no dialogue… but lots of action! I am totally seeing the midnight showing.
#8: Tapper
1983
In this classic bar game, you play as a bartender attempting to ward off thirsty drunks as they sneak ever closer to your taps. This means constantly filling mugs and flinging them down the bars, which knocks the customers back. Knock all the customers out the doors and you progress to the next level. Let them reach you and they throw you out of the bar. There are a variety of levels, each with their own unique theme: a saloon full of cowboys, a sports bar full of jocks, a rock 'n roll bar full of punks and even a Star Warsian cantina full of aliens! If you collect enough tips, you can afford entertainment, which distracts the customers momentarily (such as dancers or cheerleaders). This frantic multi-tasking concept has since been reused countless times, whether its in the form of putting out raging fires, calming crying babies or keeping hungry zombies at bay. In between bartending levels you get to play a cool mini-game. A hustler places a bunch of beer cans on the bar before you, shakes up all of them but one, then shuffles them around before making you pick one. If you open the wrong one, it explodes in your face. Open the right one and you get a huge point bonus (and a free drink). The Tapper arcade machine was actually designed to resemble a bar complete with a brass foot rail, cupholder and a tap handle for a controller. Controversial for advertising alchohol to minors, it was subsequently re-released as Root Beer Tapper, the exact same game without the Bud product placements. Real beer or root beer, who would have thought serving it was as much fun as drinking it?
#7: Donkey Kong
1981
One of the original platformers, Donkey Kong marked the debut of a chubby, mustached plumber who’s since become a household name. Interestingly, Mario’s original occupation was a carpenter (like Jesus!), not a plumber, his original nemesis was D.K., not Bowser and his original girlfriend was Pauline, not Peach! And if you really want to get technical, Mario and Pauline’s original names were “Jumpman” and “Lady!” Anyway. To rescue Princess What's-Her-Name, you must traverse the girders, ladders and elevators of construction sites as the giant ape hurls a barrage of obstacles at you, mainly barrels. What’s inside all those barrels, anyway? Oil? Booze? Other members of the Kong family? Your main source of points came from either jumping the barrels or breaking them with a Hammer, which was like the original Starman, temporarily turning you into an unstoppable maniac. This was not only the first Mario game, it was also the first “rescue the damsel-in-distress” game and the first game to tell a story through cut-scenes. They ain't no Metal Gear Solid cut-scenes but they get the job done, and hey, at least they give you the chance to play occasionally. D.K. featured a whopping four levels (which was unheard of at the time) that are played on a loop of sorts until you either lose all your lives or get to the rarely-glimpsed “kill-screen,” a glitch which ends the game on level 117. Steve Weibe and Billy Mitchell are still fighting for the world record to this very day (see the amazing documentary The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters).
#6: Mario Bros.
1983
Before the infamous Super Mario Bros. on the NES, an often forgotten little gem hit the Cade: just Mario Bros. Yeah, this was before they went Super. Mario and his kid twin brother Luigi are hired to rid New York’s elaborate sewer systems of strange monsters. The way you had to kill your enemies was quite original. I still remember my first time playing and how dumb-struck I was when I found that jumping on a koopa (or, as they're called here, Shellcreepers) didn’t kill it -- it killed YOU! That’s right, this was even before Mario’s jump was an attack. The only way to defeat enemies was to jump into the ground below them, flipping them upside-down, which then allows you to bump them off. You could also use the POW block to flip every grounded enemy onscreen. This game introduced the character Luigi and with him the “palette swap” technique, which allowed lazy designers to create “new” characters by simply changing the color of an already designed character, which became a common technique in videogames of all genres. Mario Bros. on two-player was where it's at. You and a buddy could compete or cooperate (or tell your buddy you’re cooperating, then betray them). I loved the game’s wrap-around mechanic, which allowed you to leave one side of the screen and appear on the other. The best way to score points was to set up combos: flipping multiple enemies over next to each other so you could knock them all off at once, scoring double points for each additional kill. Each level is ushered in by the popular opening of Mozart’s Serenade No. 13. Now that's old-school.
#5: Tetris
1984
From Russia with love came a puzzle game that required you to strategically rotate and stack falling shapes to create horizontal rows. Oh, how I adore puzzle games. Whereas most videogames test your physical coordination, puzzle games challenge your intelligence. The Soviet Mind Game has actually been scientifically proven to lower your glucose consumption and boost the thickness of your cerebral cortex. In other words, Tetris makes you smarter. But it's also been medically proven to be highly addictive, so beware. Once, while deep into a game, I think I achieved enlightenment. I began seeing things I never saw before. First, I realized that each of the game’s seven shapes are comprised of four blocks. Then I realized that those seven shapes are the only possible combinations of four connected blocks. Then I realized the shapes all resemble letters: I, J, L, O, S, T and Z. Then I began “rotating” those letters to form phrases, like “J-Lo’s zit” and “lost jiz.” But then my block pile reached the ceiling, I got a game over and awoke from my Zen state. The great-granddaddy of puzzle games holds nine Guinness records, including “Most Ported Video Game” for being available on nearly every conceivable electronic device ever made, so you shouldn’t have any trouble finding it. It also holds the “Longest Prison Sentence for Playing a Video Game” record for a dude who refused to abandon his cell phone game of Tetris while on an airplane, despite repeated warnings. Unbelievable. Some people have no decency! You can’t interrupt a good high-score run!
#4: Pac-Man
1980
Waka-waka-waka… I’m not exactly sure what the story of this game is so I’m just gonna make up my own. Pac-Man was raised in a strict household where Pac-Mom and Pac-Dad forbid him to eat sugary foods or chew with his mouth open. Pac-Man hated his parents, so one day, he ran away to live on the streets, scrounging for food scraps in dark alleys. Distraught, his parents called in the local law enforcement, The Ghosts, to catch their son and bring him home… or something like that. Whatever the deal is, your goal is to eat all the food pellets in each level, which means covering every square inch of a labyrinth, all the while outrunning four ghosts. Each level also has energizers that give you the ability to eat the ghosts, although the undead bastards keep respawning. Nothing beats the indescribable thrill of being in that maze. The lightning-fast pace will really put your hand-eye coordination to the test. Also, there’s much more to this game than meets the eye. There are areas of the maze that have cool affects on the ghosts, like the wrap-around warp tunnels, which make them go slower, and a secret spot on the board that the ghosts can never cross. Anyone who’s played enough of the game can even tell you about each ghost’s personality. Blinky is the fastest, though he can be easily lost by turning corners. Inky’s not as fast as Blinky but he’s harder to lose. Pinky is the smartest; instead of chasing you, she tries to ambush you at a future intersection. And Clyde is just retarded, randomly floating around the maze without a care in the world. Yep, I’ve played my fair share of Pac-Man. And in case you were wondering, the kill-screen’s on level 256.
#3: Frogger
1981
Why did the frogs cross the road? To get to the river! Why did the frogs cross the river? To get to the road! Why did the frogs continue crossing roads and rivers, long after they realized there was no end to the cycle? To set a new high score, of course! Guiding the frogs home is easy at first, but the challenge jumps higher and higher as the cars get faster, the rivers get wilder and more enemies emerge, all aiming to turn you into roadkill or lunch. Legend has it, Frogger was once so popular, arcades not only featured two or three of the machines right next to each other, but there were often lines to play each of them! Today, the machines are a little harder to come by… The nearest public Frogger machine to where I live is a good hour away, hidden in the dark corner of a seedy bar. But the drive is worth it. Frogger is a terrific test of timing, and I miss games with such simple controls. A PS3 controller has seventeen buttons on it, plus two joysticks! Games like Frogger, Pac-Man and Pong are each played with only one joystick. Yeah, it limits your options, but I find it much easier to get completely engrossed in these games. After spending a few quarters on Frogger, I totally get in the zone. I become one with the machine. I am the frog. I’m proud to say that I hold the #1 score on that bar's lonely machine. And I’ll continue making annual visits to ensure my record isn’t squished. And if anyone ever sets a higher score, I’ll ribbit apart! And I’ll continue to defend my score ‘til the day I croak!
#2: Vs. Balloon Fight
1984
Judge: Order in the court! The prosecutor, Midway, has accused the defendant, Nintendo, of stealing the concept for their arcade game, Balloon Fight, from Midway's game, Joust. I now call Midway to the stand. Midway, do you swear do tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Raiden?
Midway: I do. Your honor, Nintendo has blatantly ripped off our product. See, in our game, Joust, you play as a knight flying on a giant bird. Your goal is to fly around the screen, bouncing on your enemies' heads to kill them. In Nintendo’s game, Balloon fight, you play as a Balloon Fighter, who, by the way, looks like Tingle from Majora’s Mask wearing Mario’s overalls and a retard’s helmet...
Nintendo: Objection!
Judge: Sustained.
Midway: ...and your goal is virtually the same: to fly around the screen, popping the enemies' balloons to kill them. The gameplay is practically identical. I haven’t seen such a pathetic, unauthorized ripoff since Ms. Pac-Man!
Judge: Please be seated. I now call Nintendo to the stand. Nintendo, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Golden Goddesses?
Nintendo: I do. Now, I’ll admit, Balloon Fight was inspired by Joust. However, we made many notable differences -- or should I say, improvements -- over Joust. For starters, Balloon Fight is much more user-friendly. The controls are better, the difficulty is lower and the graphics are more attractive, unlike Joust, in which the "lancer" is as indistinguishable as Atari's E.T., and his "lance" looks more like a protruding boner.
Midway: Objection!
Judge: Overruled.
Nintendo: Secondly, Joust had no music. Balloon Fight, on the other hand, has the catchiest song since Frogger! And third of all: we even created an entirely new mini-game on the menu called Balloon Trip, in which you simply fly as far as you can without getting hit. We feel our game is significantly different (not to mention better) than the prosecutor's, and that calling Balloon Fight a "ripoff" would be like calling every shooter a ripoff of Space Invaders.
Judge: Please be seated. I now call for a ten minute recess while the jury makes their decision.
Forty-five minutes later…
Judge: All rise for the verdict! Members of the jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, Balloon Fight, not guilty... and extremely addictive.
Judge: I hereby sentence Balloon Fight to be mass-produced for the Nintendo, but to always respect Joust's historical significance. Court adjourned!
#1: Pong
1972
Bleep…
Bloop…
Bleep…
Bloop…
Left Paddle: Here comes my fastball!
Right Paddle: Not bad… for a lefty!
Left Paddle: Big talk for someone still in the millions!
Right Paddle: Oh, like you can still remember the score at your age, gramps.
Left Paddle: I’m just as old as you are!
Right Paddle: Hey, check it out. We got company.
Left Paddle: Looks like one of those new-gen gamers.
Right Paddle: Probly thinks us old farts look pretty lame.
Left Paddle: Get lost, whippersnapper! Nothing fancy to see here.
Right Paddle: Yeah, go back to your PS7.
Left Paddle: Games. They don’t make ‘em like they used to.
Right Paddle: Today, it’s all about graphics and gimmicks.
Left Paddle: Three-D. Harrumph!
Right Paddle: Motion control. Harrumph!
Left Paddle: Back in our day, game designers didn’t have access to all the unnecessary albeit attractive detail of modern games.
Right Paddle: But it was precisely those limitations which allowed the designers to focus more on what’s really important: the gameplay.
Left Paddle: Go ahead, kid. Lay into us.
Right Paddle: We’ve heard it all.
Left Paddle: “Pong is so old, it’s in black and white!”
Right Paddle: “Pong is so old, you can count the pixels!”
Left Paddle: Well, lemme tell ya something, kid. Pong wasn't the first videogame, but it is widely regarded as the first great game.
Right Paddle: We started this industry! So pay your respects!
Left Paddle: The best part is, this game hasn’t aged a bit!
Right Paddle: We’ve been playing it nonstop since it first hit the Cade in ’72!
Left Paddle: And to this day, it’s still one of the most exciting head-to-head games out there.
Right Paddle: The paddles are thin! and the ball is fast!
Left Paddle: And the ball is fast!
Right Paddle: Not the way you hit it, old timer!
Left: Oh yeah? Watch the comet-trail on this shot!
Right Paddle: And if you really wanna shake things up, crack open a few brewskies and turn it into Beer Pong!
Left Paddle: You just gotta play it for yourself, kid. Watching a game does it no justice.
Right Paddle: We highly recommend the Sears Tele-Games home console version of Super Pong.
Left Paddle: But you’ll have to plug it into multiple adaptors just to play it on your new age, color, fifty-inch plasma flatscreens!
Right Paddle: And you’ll have to keep the dials clean. The left paddle likes to stick on ya!
Left Paddle: That’s it, blockhead. No more Mr. Nice Paddle!
Right Paddle: Oh, you asked for it, spanky! Take that!
The Ball: Uh, could we maybe take a break, guys? I’m getting’ a splittin' headache here.
If you liked these reviews, check out my Top 20 NES Games.
#10: Tron
1982
Welcome to the Game Grid. I'm Mr. Nerdstrom; I'll be your tour guide. Please keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times and hold all questions until the end of the tour. The cult classic film, Tron (about a programmer who gets trapped in a computer system and is forced to compete in gladiatorial videogames) was swiftly adapted into a videogame the very same year. The game was so popular it actually earned more than the film did. It’s comprised of four mini-games:
On your left is the Light Cycles arena. Only the fastest users stood a chance against our Light Bike programs. The game is very similar to another arcade game, Snake, only you had opponents whom you’re trying to cut off with the energy wall you leave behind you. In addition to making 90-degree turns, you can also speed up and slow down. It was the only mini-game taken directly from the film, and it was also our most popular.
On your right is the Tanks maze. It's built like a Pac-Man level, only the users would use a tank to destroy other tanks. The enemy tanks took three hits to destroy and you can’t take one, but you can ricochet your bullets off walls. This game required cunning strategy.
Straight ahead is the MCP Cone. This mini-game was a third-person shooter that has you shooting your way through a spinning wall as it closes in on you. Users must master their timing to create a safe path to the cone.
And directly below us are the Grid Bugs. Bugs was another third-person shooter which has you shooting your way through a jitterbug of spiders (who only appeared in the film for a single shot). This game was the easiest for those who simply wished to rush past the bugs and beat the level, but those going for a high score could risk remaining in the room lonter as they attempt to wipe out all the buggers.
The best way to play Tron nowadays (other than locating one of the original machines, if they still exist) is on the Xbox Live Arcade. But for Flynn's sake, switch the control scheme to configuration C or you’ll be derezed in no time. There are also many websites that allow you to play a multiplayer version of Light Cycles online, which is like a nerd's wet dream come true: http://www.fltron.com/
#9: Asteroids
1979
You’re the triangle. Shoot the circles. Sound dumb? You’re dumb! This game rocks! Get it? Shooting an asteroid causes it to break into two smaller asteroids. Each of those pieces have to again be broken in two before they’re finally small enough to destroy. That's all there is to it, except for the occasional U.F.O. that zips across the screen, which can score you big points if you’re quick enough. My first time playing, I thought the ship was stuck in the center of the screen and all you could do was “rotate” and “fire.” You can imagine my joy when I discovered you can actually fly around. The way your speed and momentum affect you is a feat of surprisingly modern realism. The game also has a wrap-around mechanic on all four edges of the screen, but if you still find yourself cornered, you can press the “hyperspace” button, which randomly warps you somewhere else. Asteroids was the first game that ever allowed you to enter a “tag,” or three-letter initials, on your score. I'm not a big fan of shoot-em-ups, but even I make an exception for this one. However, I just read they’re adapting it into a film.... Are you kidding me? Asteroids, The Movie? What are they thinking?! If they want to market a film toward gamers, they should adapt something with a great story, great characters and great dialogue, like, I dunno, a Final Fantasy? But no. They’re adapting Asteroids, a game with no characters, no story and no dialogue… but lots of action! I am totally seeing the midnight showing.
#8: Tapper
1983
In this classic bar game, you play as a bartender attempting to ward off thirsty drunks as they sneak ever closer to your taps. This means constantly filling mugs and flinging them down the bars, which knocks the customers back. Knock all the customers out the doors and you progress to the next level. Let them reach you and they throw you out of the bar. There are a variety of levels, each with their own unique theme: a saloon full of cowboys, a sports bar full of jocks, a rock 'n roll bar full of punks and even a Star Warsian cantina full of aliens! If you collect enough tips, you can afford entertainment, which distracts the customers momentarily (such as dancers or cheerleaders). This frantic multi-tasking concept has since been reused countless times, whether its in the form of putting out raging fires, calming crying babies or keeping hungry zombies at bay. In between bartending levels you get to play a cool mini-game. A hustler places a bunch of beer cans on the bar before you, shakes up all of them but one, then shuffles them around before making you pick one. If you open the wrong one, it explodes in your face. Open the right one and you get a huge point bonus (and a free drink). The Tapper arcade machine was actually designed to resemble a bar complete with a brass foot rail, cupholder and a tap handle for a controller. Controversial for advertising alchohol to minors, it was subsequently re-released as Root Beer Tapper, the exact same game without the Bud product placements. Real beer or root beer, who would have thought serving it was as much fun as drinking it?
#7: Donkey Kong
1981
One of the original platformers, Donkey Kong marked the debut of a chubby, mustached plumber who’s since become a household name. Interestingly, Mario’s original occupation was a carpenter (like Jesus!), not a plumber, his original nemesis was D.K., not Bowser and his original girlfriend was Pauline, not Peach! And if you really want to get technical, Mario and Pauline’s original names were “Jumpman” and “Lady!” Anyway. To rescue Princess What's-Her-Name, you must traverse the girders, ladders and elevators of construction sites as the giant ape hurls a barrage of obstacles at you, mainly barrels. What’s inside all those barrels, anyway? Oil? Booze? Other members of the Kong family? Your main source of points came from either jumping the barrels or breaking them with a Hammer, which was like the original Starman, temporarily turning you into an unstoppable maniac. This was not only the first Mario game, it was also the first “rescue the damsel-in-distress” game and the first game to tell a story through cut-scenes. They ain't no Metal Gear Solid cut-scenes but they get the job done, and hey, at least they give you the chance to play occasionally. D.K. featured a whopping four levels (which was unheard of at the time) that are played on a loop of sorts until you either lose all your lives or get to the rarely-glimpsed “kill-screen,” a glitch which ends the game on level 117. Steve Weibe and Billy Mitchell are still fighting for the world record to this very day (see the amazing documentary The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters).
#6: Mario Bros.
1983
Before the infamous Super Mario Bros. on the NES, an often forgotten little gem hit the Cade: just Mario Bros. Yeah, this was before they went Super. Mario and his kid twin brother Luigi are hired to rid New York’s elaborate sewer systems of strange monsters. The way you had to kill your enemies was quite original. I still remember my first time playing and how dumb-struck I was when I found that jumping on a koopa (or, as they're called here, Shellcreepers) didn’t kill it -- it killed YOU! That’s right, this was even before Mario’s jump was an attack. The only way to defeat enemies was to jump into the ground below them, flipping them upside-down, which then allows you to bump them off. You could also use the POW block to flip every grounded enemy onscreen. This game introduced the character Luigi and with him the “palette swap” technique, which allowed lazy designers to create “new” characters by simply changing the color of an already designed character, which became a common technique in videogames of all genres. Mario Bros. on two-player was where it's at. You and a buddy could compete or cooperate (or tell your buddy you’re cooperating, then betray them). I loved the game’s wrap-around mechanic, which allowed you to leave one side of the screen and appear on the other. The best way to score points was to set up combos: flipping multiple enemies over next to each other so you could knock them all off at once, scoring double points for each additional kill. Each level is ushered in by the popular opening of Mozart’s Serenade No. 13. Now that's old-school.
#5: Tetris
1984
From Russia with love came a puzzle game that required you to strategically rotate and stack falling shapes to create horizontal rows. Oh, how I adore puzzle games. Whereas most videogames test your physical coordination, puzzle games challenge your intelligence. The Soviet Mind Game has actually been scientifically proven to lower your glucose consumption and boost the thickness of your cerebral cortex. In other words, Tetris makes you smarter. But it's also been medically proven to be highly addictive, so beware. Once, while deep into a game, I think I achieved enlightenment. I began seeing things I never saw before. First, I realized that each of the game’s seven shapes are comprised of four blocks. Then I realized that those seven shapes are the only possible combinations of four connected blocks. Then I realized the shapes all resemble letters: I, J, L, O, S, T and Z. Then I began “rotating” those letters to form phrases, like “J-Lo’s zit” and “lost jiz.” But then my block pile reached the ceiling, I got a game over and awoke from my Zen state. The great-granddaddy of puzzle games holds nine Guinness records, including “Most Ported Video Game” for being available on nearly every conceivable electronic device ever made, so you shouldn’t have any trouble finding it. It also holds the “Longest Prison Sentence for Playing a Video Game” record for a dude who refused to abandon his cell phone game of Tetris while on an airplane, despite repeated warnings. Unbelievable. Some people have no decency! You can’t interrupt a good high-score run!
#4: Pac-Man
1980
Waka-waka-waka… I’m not exactly sure what the story of this game is so I’m just gonna make up my own. Pac-Man was raised in a strict household where Pac-Mom and Pac-Dad forbid him to eat sugary foods or chew with his mouth open. Pac-Man hated his parents, so one day, he ran away to live on the streets, scrounging for food scraps in dark alleys. Distraught, his parents called in the local law enforcement, The Ghosts, to catch their son and bring him home… or something like that. Whatever the deal is, your goal is to eat all the food pellets in each level, which means covering every square inch of a labyrinth, all the while outrunning four ghosts. Each level also has energizers that give you the ability to eat the ghosts, although the undead bastards keep respawning. Nothing beats the indescribable thrill of being in that maze. The lightning-fast pace will really put your hand-eye coordination to the test. Also, there’s much more to this game than meets the eye. There are areas of the maze that have cool affects on the ghosts, like the wrap-around warp tunnels, which make them go slower, and a secret spot on the board that the ghosts can never cross. Anyone who’s played enough of the game can even tell you about each ghost’s personality. Blinky is the fastest, though he can be easily lost by turning corners. Inky’s not as fast as Blinky but he’s harder to lose. Pinky is the smartest; instead of chasing you, she tries to ambush you at a future intersection. And Clyde is just retarded, randomly floating around the maze without a care in the world. Yep, I’ve played my fair share of Pac-Man. And in case you were wondering, the kill-screen’s on level 256.
#3: Frogger
1981
Why did the frogs cross the road? To get to the river! Why did the frogs cross the river? To get to the road! Why did the frogs continue crossing roads and rivers, long after they realized there was no end to the cycle? To set a new high score, of course! Guiding the frogs home is easy at first, but the challenge jumps higher and higher as the cars get faster, the rivers get wilder and more enemies emerge, all aiming to turn you into roadkill or lunch. Legend has it, Frogger was once so popular, arcades not only featured two or three of the machines right next to each other, but there were often lines to play each of them! Today, the machines are a little harder to come by… The nearest public Frogger machine to where I live is a good hour away, hidden in the dark corner of a seedy bar. But the drive is worth it. Frogger is a terrific test of timing, and I miss games with such simple controls. A PS3 controller has seventeen buttons on it, plus two joysticks! Games like Frogger, Pac-Man and Pong are each played with only one joystick. Yeah, it limits your options, but I find it much easier to get completely engrossed in these games. After spending a few quarters on Frogger, I totally get in the zone. I become one with the machine. I am the frog. I’m proud to say that I hold the #1 score on that bar's lonely machine. And I’ll continue making annual visits to ensure my record isn’t squished. And if anyone ever sets a higher score, I’ll ribbit apart! And I’ll continue to defend my score ‘til the day I croak!
#2: Vs. Balloon Fight
1984
Judge: Order in the court! The prosecutor, Midway, has accused the defendant, Nintendo, of stealing the concept for their arcade game, Balloon Fight, from Midway's game, Joust. I now call Midway to the stand. Midway, do you swear do tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Raiden?
Midway: I do. Your honor, Nintendo has blatantly ripped off our product. See, in our game, Joust, you play as a knight flying on a giant bird. Your goal is to fly around the screen, bouncing on your enemies' heads to kill them. In Nintendo’s game, Balloon fight, you play as a Balloon Fighter, who, by the way, looks like Tingle from Majora’s Mask wearing Mario’s overalls and a retard’s helmet...
Nintendo: Objection!
Judge: Sustained.
Midway: ...and your goal is virtually the same: to fly around the screen, popping the enemies' balloons to kill them. The gameplay is practically identical. I haven’t seen such a pathetic, unauthorized ripoff since Ms. Pac-Man!
Judge: Please be seated. I now call Nintendo to the stand. Nintendo, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Golden Goddesses?
Nintendo: I do. Now, I’ll admit, Balloon Fight was inspired by Joust. However, we made many notable differences -- or should I say, improvements -- over Joust. For starters, Balloon Fight is much more user-friendly. The controls are better, the difficulty is lower and the graphics are more attractive, unlike Joust, in which the "lancer" is as indistinguishable as Atari's E.T., and his "lance" looks more like a protruding boner.
Midway: Objection!
Judge: Overruled.
Nintendo: Secondly, Joust had no music. Balloon Fight, on the other hand, has the catchiest song since Frogger! And third of all: we even created an entirely new mini-game on the menu called Balloon Trip, in which you simply fly as far as you can without getting hit. We feel our game is significantly different (not to mention better) than the prosecutor's, and that calling Balloon Fight a "ripoff" would be like calling every shooter a ripoff of Space Invaders.
Judge: Please be seated. I now call for a ten minute recess while the jury makes their decision.
Forty-five minutes later…
Judge: All rise for the verdict! Members of the jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, Balloon Fight, not guilty... and extremely addictive.
Judge: I hereby sentence Balloon Fight to be mass-produced for the Nintendo, but to always respect Joust's historical significance. Court adjourned!
#1: Pong
1972
Bleep…
Bloop…
Bleep…
Bloop…
Left Paddle: Here comes my fastball!
Right Paddle: Not bad… for a lefty!
Left Paddle: Big talk for someone still in the millions!
Right Paddle: Oh, like you can still remember the score at your age, gramps.
Left Paddle: I’m just as old as you are!
Right Paddle: Hey, check it out. We got company.
Left Paddle: Looks like one of those new-gen gamers.
Right Paddle: Probly thinks us old farts look pretty lame.
Left Paddle: Get lost, whippersnapper! Nothing fancy to see here.
Right Paddle: Yeah, go back to your PS7.
Left Paddle: Games. They don’t make ‘em like they used to.
Right Paddle: Today, it’s all about graphics and gimmicks.
Left Paddle: Three-D. Harrumph!
Right Paddle: Motion control. Harrumph!
Left Paddle: Back in our day, game designers didn’t have access to all the unnecessary albeit attractive detail of modern games.
Right Paddle: But it was precisely those limitations which allowed the designers to focus more on what’s really important: the gameplay.
Left Paddle: Go ahead, kid. Lay into us.
Right Paddle: We’ve heard it all.
Left Paddle: “Pong is so old, it’s in black and white!”
Right Paddle: “Pong is so old, you can count the pixels!”
Left Paddle: Well, lemme tell ya something, kid. Pong wasn't the first videogame, but it is widely regarded as the first great game.
Right Paddle: We started this industry! So pay your respects!
Left Paddle: The best part is, this game hasn’t aged a bit!
Right Paddle: We’ve been playing it nonstop since it first hit the Cade in ’72!
Left Paddle: And to this day, it’s still one of the most exciting head-to-head games out there.
Right Paddle: The paddles are thin! and the ball is fast!
Left Paddle: And the ball is fast!
Right Paddle: Not the way you hit it, old timer!
Left: Oh yeah? Watch the comet-trail on this shot!
Right Paddle: And if you really wanna shake things up, crack open a few brewskies and turn it into Beer Pong!
Left Paddle: You just gotta play it for yourself, kid. Watching a game does it no justice.
Right Paddle: We highly recommend the Sears Tele-Games home console version of Super Pong.
Left Paddle: But you’ll have to plug it into multiple adaptors just to play it on your new age, color, fifty-inch plasma flatscreens!
Right Paddle: And you’ll have to keep the dials clean. The left paddle likes to stick on ya!
Left Paddle: That’s it, blockhead. No more Mr. Nice Paddle!
Right Paddle: Oh, you asked for it, spanky! Take that!
The Ball: Uh, could we maybe take a break, guys? I’m getting’ a splittin' headache here.
If you liked these reviews, check out my Top 20 NES Games.
