Guys, don’t you hate it when you’re bangin’ a chick, she’s taking FOREVER to orgasm, you’re trying hard not to, and all the while you just wish you could get back to playing videogames? Well, sex is about to get 100 times better for both of you! Here are five different kinds of games that are easy to play while you “joystick” your princess. She may object to the idea at first, but after showing her how long you can last while multi-tasking, she’ll be begging you for a good game-and-fuck every time. Who knows? Maybe she’ll even want in on the “action!”
#5: One-Handed Games
Arcadian games like Pac-Man and Frogger only require one free hand to play. And just how many hands does your bitch need? Many simplistic computer games can be played with only the mouse. How embarrassing would it be to your online Chess opponent if you could checkmate them while you chick-mate? As for console games, go into the options menu and customize a controller scheme to match your favorite position.
#4: Button-Mashing Games
If your girl is the kind that demands both hands on her at all times, this is the perfect rebuttal. Button-mashing games only require one finger! And if she demands all ten fingers, she’s too needy, bro. Button-mashing while you butt-mash is a great way to earn money in gambling mini-games. Nothing like getting paid while you’re getting laid! Sure, you’re not making real money, but chances are you’re not making real love, either. You could even let her get on top, stick the controller under your ass and let her do the work!
#3: Metal Gear Solid Games
Notorious for their intolerably long cut-scenes, the MGS games are more like half-videogames, half-movies. Nobody cares about the stories in those games, but nobody wants to skip the cut-scenes either, as they do occasionally contain important information. The short films are typically around ten minutes long, which should be way more than enough time to satisfy your hoe. The further you get in the series, the more frequent and endless the cut-scenes become -- MGS4 has cut-scenes that last over an hour! But dividing your attention is a great way to prevent you from blowing your load, and I suspect these games were designed for just that purpose. After all, the protagonist's name is Solid Snake.
#2: Waiting Games
This one’s for the ladies. I know how much you females love simulation games -- probably because they require such little skill. Many sim games require you to spend copious amounts of time with the game on, whether you’re actually doing anything or not. This allows your cities to develop, cash to flow and pets/children/plants to grow without ever having to interfere. If it’s a computer game, you can leave it on 24/7 and only monitor it occasionally. But if it’s a console game, the playtime has to be limited so you don’t start a house-fire, which gives you the perfect opportunity to make some heat with your man while your console overheats. And dudes, if your she-devil insists you unplug the games before you plug into her, you better march right into the other room, log her off Farmville, close her Sims 3 window and break open her Tamagotchi.
#1: Automatic Games
Similar to “waiting games” only manlier, “automatic games” are the ultimate games to have on while you get it on. Role-playing/strategy games like Ogre Battle and Final Fantasy Tactics feature an “auto-battle” feature, allowing AI to fight the battle for you. This is very convenient, considering the battles can take up to a half hour. All you have to do is get in a battle before you get in your woman and you’re good to go, as long as you keep one eye on the screen. Sometimes, role-playing/hack-and-slash games feature endless swarms of easy enemies, which is a great way to level up if you have an autofire controller/tape a button down and leave the game running (Final Fantasy VI, Gauntlet Legends). But beware: autopilot can be risky. If the tables turn in-game, you’ll have to pull out, which may cause your lover to accuse you of (how did she put it?) “ruining the moment.”
This one’s for the ladies. I know how much you females love simulation games -- probably because they require such little skill. Many sim games require you to spend copious amounts of time with the game on, whether you’re actually doing anything or not. This allows your cities to develop, cash to flow and pets/children/plants to grow without ever having to interfere. If it’s a computer game, you can leave it on 24/7 and only monitor it occasionally. But if it’s a console game, the playtime has to be limited so you don’t start a house-fire, which gives you the perfect opportunity to make some heat with your man while your console overheats. And dudes, if your she-devil insists you unplug the games before you plug into her, you better march right into the other room, log her off Farmville, close her Sims 3 window and break open her Tamagotchi.
#1: Automatic Games
Similar to “waiting games” only manlier, “automatic games” are the ultimate games to have on while you get it on. Role-playing/strategy games like Ogre Battle and Final Fantasy Tactics feature an “auto-battle” feature, allowing AI to fight the battle for you. This is very convenient, considering the battles can take up to a half hour. All you have to do is get in a battle before you get in your woman and you’re good to go, as long as you keep one eye on the screen. Sometimes, role-playing/hack-and-slash games feature endless swarms of easy enemies, which is a great way to level up if you have an autofire controller/tape a button down and leave the game running (Final Fantasy VI, Gauntlet Legends). But beware: autopilot can be risky. If the tables turn in-game, you’ll have to pull out, which may cause your lover to accuse you of (how did she put it?) “ruining the moment.”
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