Top 50 Old Movies: Part 5

 #10: Il Buono, il brutto, il cattivo

aka The Good, the Ugly, the Bad
aka The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
1966

There are two kinds of people in this world, my friend: those who dig this movie and those who haven’t seen it. If you’re like me and you can’t stay awake for American westerns, you simply MUST check out Sergio Leone’s “spaghetti westerns,” named after the country they were made in, Italy. The best of this cult sub-genre is inarguably The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, a super-cool action epic about three men after buried Confederate gold during the Civil War. “The Good” is a cigar-chompin’ sharpshooter with lightning-fast hands and impossibly good aim. Clint Eastwood in a poncho has become a mythical figure, like a superhero of the western genre. "The Bad," on the other hand, is pure evil. He’s a heartless hitman that will do anything for money. In his introduction, two different men hire him to kill the other. He obliges them both. He murders the first in classic spaghetti-western style: by having a long conversation with him that slowly gets more and more suspenseful before suddenly erupting in action. Then he visits the second man and shoots him in the face -- four times. But “The Ugly” has always been my favorite. He’s a hilarious, buffoonish bandit that’s in that moral gray area. He only got into ugly crimes to support his family. Each of the trio come to possess a different clue as to where the gold is buried, though the clues are useless without the others. Only by combining the pieces of the puzzle can they find the treasure. But cowboys don’t share. It all culminates in a showdown that makes the three-way in Debby Does Dallas look like the three-way at the end of my street... an oldschool Mexican standoff where nothing happens for five minutes, and it’s perhaps the best five minutes ever put on film. Overflowing with style, wit, and violence, the film features an amazing score by Ennio Morricone. It also inspired every scene in every Quentin Tarantino film.


#9: Bonnie and Clyde
1967

Punk film of the century! Based on the true story of part-time gangsters, full-time lovers Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow, this biopic follows their legendary crime spree during the early thirties, which began as small-time hold-ups and car-hopping, and quickly escalated into bank-robbing and cop-killing. Warren Beatty and Fay Dunnaway glow as the title characters. When I was a kid, I wanted to be just like Clyde, and I never had a bigger movie crush than I did on Bonnie. Gawd, she’s gorgeous! Rounding out the rest of the Barrow Gang are Moss, a Leprechauny young car junkie, Buck, Clyde’s badass big brother, and Blanche, Buck’s annoying, stuck-up wife. Gene Wilder even makes his film debut as a comical hostage they “kidnap” to show they’re actually good people behind their crimes. The characters are so real and the dialogue so fresh, it feels like you’re really along for the wild road trip with them. The film has a kinetic energy to it. I’m talkin’ pure, rebellious fun. It’s an "eff you" to the crooked law, the greedy banks and the dishonest newspapers. B&C is widely credited as the first film in a new era which I personally call the Middle Ages of Film History. It was the film that struck the deathblow to the Hays Office by shocking the world with its sympathetic portrayal of the criminals, loud social themes, sexual nature and gory violence. It’s social counterculture at its best: the Barrow gang actually become Robin Hood-like folk heroes to the poor. The screenplay is full of analogies between sex and violence. Clyde is revealed to have some sort of erectile dysfunction, which is presumably what led him to vent his sexual frustrations in a life of crime. Bonnie, on the other hand, is turned on by the excitement of the danger. The action scenes feature some of the best editing you’ll ever see, the most popular being the car chase set to the bitchin’ banjo boogie, “Foggy Mountain Breakdown.” The great depression was never so much fun!

#8: King Kong
1933

Screw Citizen Kane. I regard this as the “greatest” film of all time. It tells the tale of Carl Denham, the world’s most daring filmmaker, and his idea for a new film is his ballsiest yet: he plans a journey to Skull Island, a mystical land where monsters rule. His goal is to capture footage of dinosaurs, fantasy creatures, and of course, the king of the island: a giant gorilla. If you read my Sinbad review (#36), you know how big a fan I am of stop-motion and Ray Harryhausen. Well, this is the movie that inspired Harryhausen. It’s so old that it's the first “talkie” on this list; so old that scientists didn’t yet know that the Brachiosaurus was an herbivore; and so old that the Empire State Building didn’t yet have the needle on top. But the film has stood the test of time, and it still crushes either of its pathetic remakes. It’s the kind of story that shares that immortal status with the timeless fairy tales of old. It’s a joy to behold, an extremely action-packed fantasy and one of the best monster movies ever made, perhaps because Kong isn’t such a monster at all. In the beginning, Denham is the protagonist and Kong is the villain. But by the midpoint, their roles are reversed as our empathies switch. We come to care for the beast and grow contempt for the man. From the thrilling T-Rex fight to the tragic ending atop New York City, the stop-motion effects are incredible, and still look far better than the CG in Peter Jackson’s remake. The filmmakers devised all sorts of innovative special effects techniques to combine the live action footage with stop-motion. They also created a full-scale head, arms and legs for Kong so that he could chomb, grab and stomp his victims. Kong was a mighty landmark -- the Pong of film history. Speaking of videogames, without this film, there would have been no Donkey Kong, the first Mario game... That means without Kong there would be no Mario! Bow down, gamers!

#7: Shichinin no Samurai
(Seven Samurai)

1954

I’ll take a Japanese “eastern” over an American western any day. In feudal Japan, a desperate village hires seven samurai to protect them from an army of bandits. Waitaminute. Seven vs. forty? Hell yes. Akira Kurosawa made some mad films, and this was his masterpiece. It mixes philosophical dialogue with strategic warfare. The seven ronin are all well-developed, each diverse in character and skill. Their leader, Kambei, is a wise, old veteran, though, as his badass introduction proves, he’s far from rusty. The second is a mercenary who means business with a bow ‘n arrow. The third is an old war buddy of Kambei’s who specializes at building defenses. The fourth is a mediocre swordsman but a great jokester -- you gotta have good company around during wartime. The fifth is the greatest fictional swordsman who ever lived -- the only way to describe him is “robot ninja.” The sixth is a young battle-virgin in awe of the others. And the seventh is a comical wanabe-samurai who carries a blade so long, it makes Sephiroth’s katana look like a toothpick. This was an extremely influential film, marking the beginning of many popular trends, including the concept of gathering a group with different areas of expertise and the iconic shot of an army of horsemen galloping over a hilltop. This is also a great insight to Japanese culture circa 16th century, not to mention the samurai film for the uninitiated. The noble warriors aid the poor villagers not for money or power, but because it’s the right thing to do. That’s what samurai were all about: honor. Kurosawa was a perfectionist. He insisted on location shooting over studio sets; for the bow ‘n arrow scenes, he cast professional archers to shoot specific points on the bandits’ bodies which concealed a wooden block underneath the their tunics; he used wind machines and rain machines to achieve weather effects that matched the emotion of the scene. In fact, when Akira wasn’t satisfied with the initial look of the rain machines, he dyed the rain black to achieve the precise look he desired. The film is set at the end of the Sengoku period, a.k.a. Japan’s middle ages. In other words, everything’s medieval except a fancy new toy called the rifle, which sadly enabled even the lowliest thug to defeat the greatest warrior. Seven Samurai is a sad but beautiful tribute to the days of old.

#6: The Thief of Bagdad
1924

Before CG, before color, and even before sound, there was The Thief of Bagdad, the earliest film to make the list, and also one of the most overlooked! It’s an epic medieval fantasy about a common thief who falls in love with a princess. To prove his worth, he must go on a treasure hunt that takes him everywhere from the bottom of the sea to a tower in the clouds. With the help of a flying carpet, an invisibility cloak and a genie’s magic, he wages battle with a dragon, a giant spider, and a Mongolian army. Any of this sound familiar? You bet your ass it does! This was one of the most iconic and influential fantasy films. The production values are seemingly limitless. I’m talkin’ huge, elaborate sets, a cast of hundreds, a phenomenal musical score and a nonstop extravaganza of amazing special effects (for its time). Though many of the effects are dated, I still think they’re awe-inspiring, if only for how ambitious and innovative they were. The Pegasus flying across the midnight sky is clearly just a horse wearing fake wings galloping before a greenscreen, projected over a three-second loop of clouds. But if that sounds lame, so are you! I challenge modern audiences to see past movie wrinkles to the beauty underneath. The Thief even developed an early color technique: sections of the film are actually dyed different colors -- the underwater scenes are green, the fire cavern is red, etc. The thief himself is one badass mofo! In one scene, he throws a family ring into the air and slices it in half with a sword! In another scene, he sneaks into a church and yells, “Paradise is a fool’s dream and Allah is a myth!” You could get away with shit like that in the silent era, as that was before the Hays Office started ruining movies with censorship. The Thief is my favorite medieval fantasy of all time -- a timeless story with a timeless lesson: “Happiness must be earned.”

#5: Planet of the Apes
1968

One of the first cult classics, Apes was the tale of four astronauts that crashland on a beautiful, mysterious planet where apes are the intelligent species and men are the animals. It was written by Twilight Zone writer Rod Serling, and if you’re a fan of the show, this film is a nightmare come true. It’s basically a big-budget, two-hour episode! In classic TZ fashion, it uses a science-fiction setting to symbolically satirize everything from modern politics and war to religion and sociology. It’s a cool sub-genre I like to call “poli-sci-fi.” Charlton Heston is dynamite as Taylor, a cold, cynical astronaut who left Earth because he despised his fellow man. His nemesis, Dr. Zaius, is a terrific villain. He’s one of those frustratingly corrupt bastards you just… can’t… stand! The Doc is both the Minister of Science and Chief Defender of the Faith. Think about it. There are barely any special effects the entire movie, but I didn’t even realize it until afterward, I was so engaged. Franklin J. Schaffner’s direction is some of the most creative and wonderful work I’ve ever seen. His camera does crazy things like spinning upside down in a nauseating POV shot. Schaffner must have started as a porno director, because he always knew just the right angle to photograph the action from to elicit maximum excitement. The elaborate makeup effects were so good, the Academy decided to invent an Oscar for Best Makeup, which Apes was the first recipient of. Jerry Goldsmith’s score is like nothing else you’ve ever heard: it’s atonal, full of strange and chaotic riffs that refuse to adhere to a time or key signature, which really suits the twisted nature of the film. I don’t dare spoil anything for those who haven’t seen it, but I will say that there are many shocking surprises, best of which is the powerful, mind-blowing finale.

#4: The General
1927

Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga CHOO-CHOO! That’s what you’d hear the whole time if this wasn’t a silent film. A slapstick comedy set during the Civil War, it follows a railroad engineer that’s sucked into the battle when Union spies steal his two true loves: his woman and his train. And something tells me he loves the latter more than the former. This film will blow you away: it's jam-packed with hilarious and thrilling chase scenes between trains. You’re probably thinking, “How much could they do with chase scenes confined to tracks?” You have no idea. This film has my #1 and #2 favorite chase scenes of all time. Writer/director/star Buster Keaton clearly knew everything there was to know about trains. But he wasn’t just a locomotive enthusiast. He was a silent comedian on par with Chaplin (in my opinion, better), and a daredevil that did all his own stunts, many of them insanely ballsy. He’s constantly risking his life for a laugh. His crew was instructed to “keep shooting until I say ‘cut,’ or die.” This kind of film could never be made today. Not only because modern films disguise their lack of any real danger with CG, but because no studio in its right mind would ever fund such a dangerous film today! You can tell Keaton is doing everything for real, and holy cow-catchers, is it impressive! Not just the stunts, but the extremely clever ways he integrates them. This is action-writing at its best, full of exciting cliffhangers that are hilarious sight gags at the same time. Despite the fact it’s a comedy, I also think it’s one of the most incredible period pieces that contains one of the all-time best "big battle scenes." It’s such an ancient film, it’s easy to forget that it isn’t set at the same time the film was made, but some sixty years prior. I showed this film at a movie night to many skeptical, reluctant friends who had never seen a silent film before, let alone a black-and-white film. By the end of the evening, they all thanked me for such a mind-opening experience.

#3: Jaws
1975

Ah, the film that gave me aquaphobia. This the earliest film I ever remember seeing (my rents always let me watch R movies as a kid), and I’ve barely set foot in the water since. It’s the greatest horror film of all time, because it will haunt you long after you’ve seen it. Who doesn't know the story? A Greate White shark is terrorizing a popular resort town, but the greedy mayor refuses to close the beaches at the beginning of the tourist season... FEEDING TIME! Before the beach turns into an all-you-can-eat-buffet, the chief of police (Roy Schieder), a marine biologist (Richard Dreyfuss) and a professional shark hunter hit the sea to hunt down the beast themselves. Speilberg is my favorite director (five of his films made this list), and I rank this as his finest. Surprisingly, it was his breakthrough film. It was also the first Summer blockbuster, and the first movie to earn over a hundred-million at the box office! Most horror films have awful screenplays, but what sets Jaws apart is that just as much attention was given to the story and characters as the scares -- it’s as good a drama as it is a horror film. Spielberg wisely chose to keep the shark largely unseen for most of the film, which builds terrific suspense. The Great White is slowly revealed through horrifying glimpses. And come the third act, they suddenly pull out all the stops. The monster was brought to life with a giant mechanical shark and underwater footage of a real shark, a miniature boat and a midget. But the climax wouldn’t be half as good without all the foreplay. There's a lot of great dialogue to boost the shark’s reputation, like “You’re gonna need a bigger boat,” which Schieder improvised, or all the cold facts from Dreyfuss, or the chilling monologue Shaw gives about the U.S.S. Indianapolis. But the best touch of all was John William’s score, which features one of the most brilliant and recognizable motifs ever: two simple notes. It’s man vs. nature at its best, but beware: you’ll never look at the water the same again.

#2: The Godfather
1972

This is the ultimate guy movie, or, as I call them, “dick flicks.” If you’re gonna watch The Godfather, you gotta do it right: with all bros, no hoes and some great Italian food. The king of the gangster films tells the story of a modern royal family, the Corleones, as they fight for control of New York City against the other Five Families. Vito Corleone is an elderly crimelord preparing to pass his monarchy on to his four sons, but when he refuses to join the other Five Families in the narcotics business, a mob war breaks out. Too often, great scripts get only a decent director, cast, or soundtrack. But here's one movie that somehow got perfect execution in every category. Marlon Brando plays the Godfather, one of film’s greatest characters and performances. His four sons are: James Caan as the eldest, Sonny, who uses his fists before his head; John Cazalle as the sweet but dim-witted Fredo; Robert Duvall as the smartass family lawyer, Tom Hagen; and Al Pacino as Michael, the youngest son who doesn’t want anything to do with the family business. There are twenty-three murders throughout the film, and each is staged in unique and memorable ways. Victims are executed by pistol, shotgun, tommy gun, car bomb, garrote, and even decapitation. The film was very controversial for its visceral violence, as well as glamorizing organized crime in general. The Godfather isn’t a cold-blooded killer. He’s a respectful, loving family man that opposes heroine. It was also unusual to see such an anti-drug film in the early seventies. Nino Rota’s score is full of hauntingly beautiful pieces. Just hearing that opening trumpet solo over the Paramount logo gives me a semi-chub. Mama mia! It’s-a-great!

#1: ??????

If you've come this far (or impatiently scrolled down), you probably expect an erect review of an orgasmic film. Well, I don’t mean to disappoint you with a premature ejaculation, but I just don’t think I could do my #1 justice with a simple review. After all, it's my favorite film of all time. Instead, I've decided to write a completely separate, hardcore, in-depth review.

Thanks for reading my reviews! Hopefully they'll help convince movielovers of the future to dig up movies of the past.