Attack of the Clones Review

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
2002

And you thought The Phantom Menace was bantha fodder… Set ten years later, Clones opens with a failed assassination attempt on the queen’s life (someone must’ve told Lucas kids love movies that begin with big explosions). Anakin, now an emo Abercrombie model in his late teens, is assigned to take the sexy queen into hiding while poor Obi-Wan is ordered to find out who the almost-assassin was -- I wonder who drew the short straw on that one.

Episode II had even more computer-graphics and even less humanity. It’s practically an animated film with human actors. It's the kind of film that you’d watch in computer-animation courses for inspiration and in screenwriting courses for laughs. I think it’s hilarious how, after such negative reaction to Jar Jar Binks, Lucas totally replaced the comic relief role with good ol’ Threepio instead of having Jar Jar redeem himself. This is but one example that proves Lucas is a businessman, not an artist. For the prequel trilogy, he spent tens of millions on advertising campaigns, he carefully designed the films to please all four demographics, he threw in supporting characters like Mace Windu to get minorities in the theaters, and he catered the films for merch. It's like he designed the characters and vehicles solely to be converted into action figures and Legoes. Even the classic Yoda puppet was given an ugly digital makeover. Some fans rejoiced when Yoda busted out a baby-lightsaber, but I just buried my head in my hands. I always thought of Yoda as a master of The Force, not the sword! But I guess more kids would buy the Yoda toy if he was holding a lightsaber.

The new trilogy gets way too political, especially this one. In the old ones, we were never told exactly why the rebels are against the empire, nor did we give a sith. All we needed to know was that the government was evil and the rebels had to overthrow it. But in the new ones, they spend way too much time politickin’. What is this, a presidential debate? As fast and flashy as the modern lightsaber duels are, I’ve seen far more creative choreography in fan-made Youtube battles. The new duels also lack the depth and emotion of the old ones. In Phantom Menace, there wasn’t a single line of dialogue exchanged during the swordfights, which was very disconnecting. But in Episodes II and III, I wish they had kept their traps shut. Nothing like cheesy, childish comebacks to ruin the drama.

Lucas’s idea of romantic dialogue is about as sexy as watching Jabba impregnate himself with his hermaphroditic genitalia, then giving birth to octuplet slugs. It doesn’t help that Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman act like they’re in a soap opera that will never lasted longer than the pilot episode. For some contrived reason, jedi aren’t allowed to love. You’d think if you possessed the most awesome magical powers in the galaxy, you’d want to have as many children as possible, to pass on what you’ve learned and to multiply your council’s strength. And if love was really forbidden, the council should’ve thought twice about sending the film’s two most attractive, young, emotional teens on such a romantic getaway by themselves -- of course she’s gonna give his lightsaber the force!

These films are so god-awful that they’re actually fun to watch, if only to ridicule them with a group of fellow OTLNTH (old trilogy lovers, new trilogy haters) -- a tattoo I want on my back. The new ones are so unintentionally funny, it feels like you’re watching a cheesy, old B-movie. Forget Ed Wood. Lucas gets my vote for the worst director of all time! Okay, okay. I’ll be honest. The prequels do have their moments. I could name scenes from each film that actually recaptured the charm and joy of the original trilogy. But those moments are so few and far between, they don't even begin to compensate for the flaws. That’s like saying, “Hitler had his redeeming qualities.” 2/5 stars.




Click here for my Revenge of the Sith review: At an end your rule is, and not short enough was it.