Revenge of the Sith Review

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
2005

"A long time ago in a galaxy fat, fat away..." - the actual opening to the final draft of Episode III. And therein lies the problem with the prequel trilogy: Lucas had 100% creative freedom over them. Granted, he did have a lot of great ideas, but NO idea how to execute them properly. For the old trilogy, he had great screenwriters like Kasdan to adapt his ideas into a coherent screenplay, and great directors like Kershner to bring his vision to life. But Lucas tried to write and direct the new ones himself. Like The Emperor says in this episode, “I have the power… UNLIMITED POWER!” Lucas is proof that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Reports say he was impossible to work with. I imagine he's the closed-minded type that's unable to accept constructive criticism, and that the few who dared challenge him were banned from the set forever.

Most moviegoers find Sith to be the best of the prequels. Probably because it’s brimming with heavy action -- it’s the only Star Wars film rated PG-13. But personally, I think it was strike three for Lucas, and that he never missed the mark further. The effects are more excessive than ever, the only thing more laughable than the story is the dialogue, and the action scenes were just plain dull! The old trilogy is for adults who want to feel like kids again. The new trilogy is for kids who want to feel like adults. If all you care about is action, go watch some porn -- even then you’d see better writing and acting.

Everything about the new trilogy is so uninspired. I was pumped to see new characters as fun as the old ones. Instead, all we got was unbelievable younger recreations of them, down to pathetically lame cameos with the most illogical connections. Christ, I’m surprised there wasn’t a ten-year old Han Solo playing dodgeballth with Greedo (and arguing over who hit who first). After seeing Force Lightning in Jedi, I was pumped to see what other kinds of black magic the Dark Side had to offer. But nope, that’s it. All we got to see in the new ones was a lot more Force Lightning. I was pumped to see new planets. The only cool one we got was a volcanic planet. Too bad the only scene on it was a universal letdown. I also hated how Naboo had forests, plains, meadows, cliffs, waterfalls and underwater caves. What a terrain hog! What happened to "one" terrain per planet? Other newcomers included multiple cavernous planets, more water planets, more forest planets and, my least favorite of all, a planetary city. Running out of ideas, are you? What about a mountain planet? Or a tropical jungle/river planet? Or a giant literal icecube? Or how about some more fantastical planets, like a low-gravity planet full of floating rock islands?

I've shown a remarkable amount of restraint by waiting until now to discuss the most fatal flaw of the new trilogy: the endless amount of continuity errors and contradictions they create with the old trilogy. Lucas clearly hadn’t thought out the backstory very well beforehand. Talk about inconsistencies! Like, how come no one remembers the droids? How could Leia remember her mother who died in childbirth? Why did the old jedi disappear when they died, yet the new ones do not? If the Emperor’s skin got all pale and wrinkly from Force Lightning electrocution, why didn’t Luke’s? Why did Obi-Wan say Yoda was his master if it was really Oskar Schindler? I refuse to believe that Vader built Threepio, that the stormtroopers are all clones of Boba Fett’s dad, or that Yoda once carried a baby-lightsaber.

Frankly, I can’t believe the two trilogies came from one mind. They’re like a puzzle piece and a piece of shit: they just don’t fit. In a utopian future, film history textbooks would devote an entire chapter to the originals and only a footnote to the obscure, forgotten prequels. But alas, I fear it will never be so, as Hollywood seems to have addicted young filmgoers to the drug that is CGI to keep them crawling back to the theaters every weekend for another fix. Children are bound to actually enjoy the CG overdose the prequels have to offer, and may even prefer it to the originals. But as they mature, I think the scales will tip. At the very least, I hope that future generations will watch these films in the order they were made, or it will sour the whole experience and ruin all the story twists. Those who don't even understand the history behind the films may even mistake the saga as one piece of work, which it is not. No matter which trilogy you prefer, they really are two seperate entities because of who had creative control over them. Nevertheless, the saga really is an artifact of film history. Never has a franchise generated such controversy between its own fans. In my mind, the backstory is better left to the imagination. At the end of Revenge of the Sith, Lucas makes a last-minute effort to maintain a shred of continuity between the trilogies by having Threepio’s memory wiped, so he forgets everything that happened in the prequel trilogy…

That lucky bastard. 2/5 stars.