Tron Review

Tron

1982

Attention computer geeks and fans of retro videogames: this is the film for you! Jeff Bridges plays Flynn, a computer programmer who tries to hack into a corporate mainframe to prove he designed the latest hit videogame, Space Paranoids, which was stolen by his old boss, who then fired Flynn. What an asshole! While sneaking back into his old workplace, Flynn comes across what looks like the shrink-ray from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, only it doesn't turn him microscopic... it turns him microcyclic! That is, it sends him into the digital world, where he’s forced to compete in gladiatorial videogames for the amusement of a sinister computer program called Master Control. Tron has an ingenius concept and an overall good execution, despite some glitches.

The visuals in Tron are STUNNING! The landscapes, costumes, vehicles and weapons are all very imaginative. Everything's so colorful and neon! Talk about a fun acid trip. The boomerang-like Identity Disc is the coolest fictional weapon since the lightsaber! The majority of the film is set in the digital world, where personified “programs” take on the appearance of their human "users." There are around 1100 effects shots in the film, around 900 of which have actors composited into them. I usually hate special effects extravaganzas, especially when everything onscreen is CGI except the actors, but this is one that really worked. The retro graphics suited the concepts perfectly. The outstanding visuals are matched by an equally outstanding soundtrack -- one of the most overlooked film scores of all time.

I love how the filmmakers "physicalized" everything in Tron, giving everything in the digital world a clever, metaphorical likeness to the real world. Input/Output towers are actual towers. Water is "power." Finding cracks in the system is taken very literally. Bit, the first-ever CG character in film history (sorry, Jar Jar), can only say two words: yes and no. You'll enjoy the film much more if you get these references, which play like inside jokes for nerds. I'm sure even I didn't get them all, but I certainly enjoyed all the elements reminiscient of videogames, from the competitive mini-games to the final boss battle (who has two forms, by the way).

However, the film is not without its flaws. It can be hard to follow. Not everything makes sense, no matter how many times you see it. Like, why does Clu's accent suddenly change from robotic to normal? Why does Flynn attack Tron and Yori on the Solar Sailer? And why does Flynn jump into the MCP? Some of the writing is downright illogical. For instance, why would the evil programs permit their prisoner-programs to carry Identity Discs on them? Sure, the discs are memory banks that store their user-given information on them, but the discs double as versatile weapons. Um, hello? The Light Cycles sequence, despite being is one of the greatest action scenes of all time, has a confusing color scheme. Up to this point in the film, the bad guys all wear red; the good guys, blue. But when they morph into motorcycles, the bad guys turn into blue bikes, while the good guys' bikes are red, yellow and orange. WTF? Speaking of confusing colors, it can be difficult to keep track of who's who in the long-shots, because they're all wearing the same damn costume. Couldn't Flynn have been a different color than the rest of the programs? After all, he's the only user.

How much these dents affect the overall experience is bound to vary by opinion. I'm willing to forgive them, like I do outdated graphics or a weak story in an old videogame. Despite its shortcomings, I still feel Tron is one of the greatest science-fiction films of all time, a must-see for gamers, and still a far better alternative to its pathetic sequel, Tron: Legacy. Like many classic videogames, the original Tron is proof that worse technology often breeds better quality. 4/5 stars.

Tron: Legacy Review

Tron: Legacy

2010

Tron: Legacy is the long-awaited sequel to the nerdiest cult classic of the 1980’s: Tron. I was a big fan of the original, particularly because of how videogame-esque it was. However, I always felt it was an imperfect film, and couldn’t help but dream of someday seeing a superior remake or sequel. Thus, I was very excited at the prospect of a new Tron. Legacy takes place twenty-eight years after the original (the same amount of time between the films' releases), where Flynn's son has to venture back into the digital world to rescue his father. Unfortunately, Legacy not only fails to improve upon the flaws of the original; it fails to live up to it.

Watching Legacy made me feel all guilty and awful, like I was cheating on Tron, and that I should immediately run home and reconcile with it while I still could. The second film made me realize how good the first one really was. Just because a film has its flaws doesn’t mean you can’t love it. The new digital world was too different from the old. It lacked both the magical unrealism and clever metaphors of the original. The new weapons and vehicles were instantly forgettable. The new Light Cycles scenes were actually boring. The frisbee discs (my favorite thing about the first film) were barely used here -- Luke used his lightsaber more in A New Hope! The one kick I got was seeing The Big Door again. But where was the ring-ball mini-game? And the Grid-Bugs? And the Bits? And the final boss battle?! One gets the impression the film was not created by the same hands who crafted the original, but rather a sinister emposter dangling familiar images with one hand while his other picks your pocket.

The videogamey film actually represents a contemporary trend in both the film and videogame industries: upgrading the graphics while downgrading everything else. Maybe that’s all audiences/gamers care about anymore. Personally, I don’t care how fancy the special effects are if the writing sucks. I actually missed the oldschool 80’s CG of the first film, which better fit the concept of retro video games. The screenwriting in Legacy is particularly dreadful. If you thought the original was cheesy, you’re about to be outbid. Legacy's script is full of those easy, go-to lines like “It is our destiny!" and the obligatory “Nooo” scene. The new hero is too dull to root for. I saw the film half an hour ago and I already forget what he looked like. The new villain was even worse. Instead of the awesome Dillinger/Sark/MCP trio of the first film, the badguy here is nothing but a younger, CG makeover of Jeff Bridges (as his Clu program from the first film gone haywire). Even the cool techno soundtrack from Daft Punk didn’t come close to the stellar awesomeness of the original’s epic score.

The one compliment I have of Legacy is that it corrected a minor flaw of the original: at least in the new one, all the characters’ Light Cycle bikes matched the color of their uniforms. Man, that was confusing in the first film when all the good guys (wearing blue uniforms) turned into yellow, orange and red bikes, while the bad guys (wearing red uniforms) turned into blue bikes. Unfortunately, the new Light Cycles sequence paled in comparison to the original. It was so poorly shot/animated/whatever, I couldn't even tell they were trying to cut eachother off with their jet walls! But by far, my least favorite thing about Legacy: they actually reference the first Tron as if it were a real movie within this movie. There's even a poster for it in the background! What were they thinking?! Can you imagine if there was an Empire Strikes Back poster in Return of the Jedi?!

My final verdict: if you liked the first film, you will not like the second. And vice versa. I know I reference Star Wars a lot, but this was like The Phantom Menace for me. I went in skipping and came out sulking. The two Tron films feel nothing alike. While the original felt more geared toward philosophers, artists, geeks, hackers and fans of retro videogames, the new one seems better suited for stoned teenagers who just want to see glow-in-the-dark motorcycles explode. 1.5/5 stars.

My review of the original Tron.

Top 10 Videogames To Play While Intoxicated

“The meaning of life is hidden somewhere between interactive electronic games and mind-altering substances,” a talking television once told me before trying to eat me. Games and drugs may rot your brain, but they’re also two of life's greatest joys, so combining the two should be a no-brainer. Now drink up, level up, light up, power up and shoot up as I lead you through the magical realm of the best videogames to play while drunk or high:

#10: Pong

There's a reason they put so many arcade machines in bars. Simplicity is addictive, especially when under the influence. My favorite one-on-one game to play drunk is Pong – or, as I like to call it, Beer Pong. Just picture you and a buddy diving back and forth across the screen for that ball and missing every time. It's hil-fucking-larious. Then, when one of you finally manages to block it, you'll leap up cheering like you just defended a game point in the US Open.

#9: WarioWare: Smooth Moves

OhmygodthisgameislikebeingonspeedbecauseyougettoplayhundredsoflightningfastminigamesnonstopandlistentoafunnyannouncerdescribehowtoholdtheWiimoteandsomeofthegamesarehilariousandsomeofthegamesareactuallyoldschoolvideogamesandsomeofthegamesaremultiplayerandIthinkI’mgonnapassout...

#8: StarFox

“Whooooaaa, dude... check out those gnarly polygons!” For mind-blowing visuals, you can't beat the original StarFox. Those oldschool 3D effects are ideal for high flying. You have to shoot yourself up before you play a shoot 'em up. Take the default route to Venom; you get to fly through the Space Armada, a level so trippy I would intentionally lose against the boss just so I could watch the cutscene of that Arwing rolling through those hypnotic corridors again.

#7: Mega Man

Here's a drinking game I invented that you can play during any videogame: racing a friend to see who can beat a game first. This requires two people, two copies of the same game, two of the same console and two televisions. It's like a head-to-head speedrun with alcohol, or, as I call it, a “speedrunk.” My favorite games to speedrunk are the old Mega Man games. How does the booze come into play, you ask? Up to you! It's fun to come up with your own rules and penalties, like, “Every time you drink an E tank in-game, you have to chug a beer.”

#6: Earthworm Jim 1 & 2

The EJ dualogy is so effed up, you just know the designers were on something. With bizarre imagery, absurdist humor and eccentric soundtracks, every level screams, “WTF?” My favorite stage was “Villi People” from EJ2, which has you navigating the innards of a human body to Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata," followed by answering wacky trivia questions on a gameshow and playing Simon Says. As Jim so eloquently puts it when you get a power-up, “FUUUNKY!”


#5: Guitar Hero/Rock Band

If you really wanna complete the whole rock star experience, you can't be sober. The Guitar Hero and Rock Band series are always great fun, especially with a group of junkies and the volume up high. And when your reactions start to give out, all you have to do is turn down the difficulty. But you know it's time to cut off your buddy if he starts failing "Heart-Shaped Box" on easy.

#4: Super Bomberman

Bomberman + a four-player multi-tap + four guys + Jaimeson + Baileys + Guinness = an explosive evening. As if this game isn't already exciting enough sober, we always turn it into a drinking game: whenever you win a match, you have to chug an Irish Car Bomb (get it?). Since matches rarely last over a minute, everyone's bombed before you know it. It's a blast!

#3: GoldenEye 007

Lock and load! That is, lock the doors and get loaded, baby. I recommend playing first to 5 points, and every time you get a kill, you have to take a shot. Stick to slow-firing weapons like pistols -- gunfights will last hysterically long as bullets hit nothing but wall. My buddies and I always add rules of our own, like, “you have to score the game point with the slapper.” Before long, you'll have a room full of drunks trying to judo chop each other for the win.

#2: EarthBound

This is the RPG for stoners. The script is goof-tacular. There are Beatles references everywhere. The music is indescribable. The battle backgrounds look like lava-lamps. Your characters even get intoxicated multiple times throughout the game, causing some of the most dreamlike, psychedellic and beautiful sections in videogame history. You haven't experienced EarthBound until you've played it stoned. Oh, and save your best stuff for Saturn Valley, Moonside and the Dreamworld.


#1: Any Mario Game

Take your pick. I could have filled this whole list with Mario entries. You can consume shrooms and burning plants in Super Mario Bros. You can pop pills in Dr. Mario. You can eat leaves in Mario 3. You can touch fuzzies and get dizzy in Mario World 2. You can get artistic in Mario Paint. You can go on a drunk-driving road-rage in Mario Kart. You can wrastle your buddies in Smash Bros. You can play board games without the setup or cleanup in Mario Party. You can fly in many Mario entries. It's no contest. Whether you're on one-player or multi-player, NES or Wii, uppers or downers, that Italian goofball plumber always guarantees a good trip.

Top 20 Frasier Episodes

Who would have thought a spin-off of the classic sitcom Cheers would actually surpass its predecessor? I first discovered Frasier back when I was a shrink-seein', Prozac-poppin' teenager. The show's unique combination of humor and therapy always cheered me up, even moreso than real doctors or medicine could. The best part of my day was watching two back-to-back episodes on NBC at ten and ten-thirty, or as I called it, “a double dose of Vitamin F!” I loved the nerdy radio psychiatrist, as well as his even nerdier brother Niles, his old-fashioned father, Martin, his eccentric English housekeeper, Daphne, and his fiery radio producer, Roz. In addition to rave reviews, the show holds a handful of world records, most notably its whopping 37 Emmy Awards. And unlike most sitcoms, which tend to leave their prime sooner or later, Frasier ran strong for a prolific eleven seasons. I am proud to say that I have seen all 264 episodes... multiple times. With so many great ones to choose from, it wasn’t easy, but I’ve finally narrowed it down to my personal favorites:

#20: Room Full of Heroes
Episode #198
(Season 9)

Frasier throws a Halloween party with his own twist: you have to come as your idol and stay in character the whole party. Niles was famous for his comical and eccentric entrances to Frasier’s apartment, and this episode contains his best: dressed up as Martin! The real Martin comes as Joe DiMaggio, Daphne is Elton John, Roz is Wonder Woman and Frasier is Freud. It’s a riot!

#19: Mixed Doubles
Episode #78
(Season 4)

The show’s greatest running subplot was Niles’ secret infatuation with Daphne. Everyone knew about it but her, despite Niles’ constant, witty innuendo. In this episode, Daphne’s latest boyfriend dumps her, inspiring Niles to finally declare his undying love for her. But before he can, Frasier convinces him to sleep on it. And by the following day, Roz has already hooked up Daphne with someone else: a Niles doppelganger. The funniest part is, the two lookalikes don’t even see the resemblance.

#18: Selling Out
Episode #9
(Season 1)

Frasier’s greatest strength was his ethics. Many of the early episodes tested his moral strength -- in the face of money, power, popularity, love and even death -- and it was always grand entertainment. This episode introduced one of the show’s greatest supporting characters, Bebe Glazer, Frasier’s devilish little agent, who tempts him to endorse products on his call-in radio show. Man, Fras had the coolest job ever! Fun fact: I noticed this was the only episode that had sound in the otherwise silent, slapstick outros.

#17: An Affair to Forget
Episode #45
(Season 2)

One of the show’s most endearing characters was never actually seen onscreen! Niles' inscrutable wife (and later ex-wife), Maris, was often right there in the next room, and the writers originally intended on revealing her eventually, but she quickly became the subject of so many jokes that no actress could ever match all her bizarre, hilarious descriptions. In this episode, one of Frasier’s radio-callers suspects her Bavarian husband of cheating on her with his fencing student -- and Maris just happens to have a Bavarian fencing instructor. The episode ends with an elaborate fencing duel between Niles and the Bavarian. En garde!

#16: Retirement is Murder
Episode #37 (Season 2)

Way back in episode #4, Martin (a retired detective) was obsessing over an old, unsolved murder case. Twenty-three episodes later, the writers actually revisited the subplot and devoted an entire episode to it. When Frasier decides to take a look at the case file for himself, he makes a startling revelation. But can he really break the news to his father, who failed to solve the case for twenty years? It’s a clever murder mystery that somehow fits perfectly into a comedic frame.

#15: The Two Mrs. Cranes
Episode #73
(Season 4)

Daphne’s ex-fiancé, Clive, comes to Seattle, hellbent on winning her back. To let him down easy, she spontaneously casts Niles as her husband, who is more than happy to play along. In fact, he enjoys the role so much that he convinces Clive to stay for dinner. Things spiral out of control as Frasier, Martin and Roz all intrude, forcing them all to spin a big, messy yarn of lies to keep their cover. The charade full of quick-thinking and improvisation on everyone’s part. How fun would it be to con a guest like that at a real party?

#14: Goodnight, Seattle
Episodes #263 and 264
(Season 11)

The final two-part episode had a marriage, a birth, a twist ending, and about a thousand jokes in between. It’s a very emotional finale that brings me to tears every time. Audiences spend more time with long-running television characters than any other. You don’t just spend a few hours with them; you spend a few dozen hours with them. You come to love them so much that it breaks your heart to see them go. As sad as this episode is, it leaves you with an uplifting message: you can only achieve true happiness by risking it.

#13: Martin Does it His Way
Episode #51
(Season 3)

When a distant relative dies, Martin reflects on a lifelong dream he never fulfilled: writing jazz songs for Frank Sinatra. With a little assistance from musically-talented his sons, they begin composing. There were a lot of music-related episodes, but this one was my favorite. Musicians will love it, as will writers of any kind. Frasier was blessed with consistently outstanding scripts. This episode not only has a swingin' song in it; it's a great example of how to write two separate stories that come together perfectly in the end.

#12: Visions of Daphne
Episode #142
(Season 6)

Daphne’s boyfriend, Donny, plans to propose to her. But before he can, Daphne (a gifted psychic) has a vision that she’s meant to be with someone else. She comes to none other than Niles himself for advice, who struggles to give her sound psychiatric advice considering his disbelief in psychics and the fact that he’s the one that’s worshipped her for the last seven years. It ends with Daphne’s answer, followed by another psychic vision, though I wouldn’t dare give away either!

#11: Something Borrowed, Something Blue
Episodes #167 and 168
(Season 7)

After seven long, excruciating seasons, Niles finally won over Daphne. This hour-long season finale was a rollercoaster of emotions, coming to such a satisfying conclusion that it will inspire even the most nerdy of underdogs to court the most unattainable of goddesses. Go, Niles! The series was full of excellent performances, from the leads to the guest stars. Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce both won four Emmies as the Crane bros.

#10: Hungry Heart
Episode #182
(Season 8)

At the beginning of season 8, Jane Leeves (Daphne) got pregnant. Instead of incorporating a pregnancy into the show, the writers, in a stroke of genius, gave her character an eating disorder that grew increasingly worse, culminating with a fat suit in this episode. Thus, when Leeves took a few episodes off for maternity leave, Daphne went off to “fat camp” to lose the pounds. Brilliant! Meanwhile, Frasier gets involved with a woman that, unbeknownst to him, is his boss’s wife.

#9: Daphne Returns
Episode #187
(Season 8)

Five episodes later, Daphne returned from the spa, but the celebration is cut short when she announces that the camp psychiatrist blamed Niles for her eating disorder. Apparently, the reason she overate was to distance herself from Niles, in fear of not living up to his fantasy-like image of her. After all, he loved her for seven years -- from afar. When Niles denies it, Frasier takes him to revisit flashbacks Annie Hall-style: right there in the scene (seamlessly edited into footage of earlier episodes).

#8: Perspectives on Christmas
Episode #105
(Season 5)

Martin, Daphne, Niles and Roz recount four intertwining, often contradicting views of the same Christmas. Martin is so nervous about singing in a church musical, he hides it from his family so they won’t come to watch. Daphne becomes an emotional trainwreck when she mistakes Martin’s secrecy and frequent church visits for a fatal disease. Niles gets stuck in the building’s elevator with a group of nitwits, and Frasier accidentally tells Roz’s mother she’s pregnant! This Christmas special was low on holiday spirit, but it was sure high on laughs.

#7: High Holidays
Episode #251
(Season 11)

Another great Christmas special! When Frasier’s son Freddie goes “goth,” the gang reflects on how they rebelled as teenagers. Niles, having never taken a walk on the wild side, convinces Roz to get him a pot brownie. But Martin ends up eating it by mistake and replacing it with a regular brownie. So, for the rest of the episode, Martin is high as a kite while Niles only thinks he is. Meanwhile, Frasier stars in a commercial… with Eddie. It’s intolerably funny, especially if you watch it in the right state of mind.

#6: The Ski Lodge
Episode #110
(Season 5)

Frasier takes the gang up to a ski resort for the weekend, along with Daphne’s sexy model friend, Annie, and a handsome, French ski instructor, Gi. Their cabin is beautiful. Their mugs are full of booze. Their hormones are surging. There’s just one problem: none of their attractions are mutual. Hyper-charged with sexual tension, this one ends with a game of “musical beds” that will have you howling.

#5: The Impossible Dream
Episode #75
(Season 4)

Frasier is haunted by a strange, recurring dream. Niles tells him it will continue to torment him until he can successfully interpret its meaning. Together, they analyze it from every angle trying to decipher it, yet the nightmares persist. I’ve always enjoyed analyzing and interpreting dreams, so this episode was extremely interesting to me. Meanwhile, Daphne and Martin prank strangers in the building's elevator by pretending to be criminals.

#4: Chess Pains
Episode #66
(Season 3)

When Frasier gets a new chess set, he convinces Martin to play him in a quick game. But Frasier is dumbstruck to find his father is actually better. Frasier spends the rest of the episode continuously trying and failing to defeat Martin, all the while devising deep, psychological explanations for his inferiority. Meanwhile, Niles decides to get a dog to help him get over Maris, whom he just divorced, and ends up picking out the thinnest, snobbiest, stuck-up bitch he could possibly find. Sound familiar?

#3: Ham Radio
Episode #90
(Season 4)

Keep your thumb on the pause button or you’ll die of laughter! Frasier decides to host an old-fashioned murder mystery on his radio show, but his trademark over-bearing, control-freak personality ruins the entire production by driving everyone else crazy. A lot of the supporting roles really get to shine in this episode, including Noel as the geeky sound effects guy and Gil as the flamboyant over-actor. Season four was my favorite! It was the only season to get four episodes on the list, not to mention about ten runner-ups.

#2: The Matchmaker
Episode #27
(Season 2)

Frasier invites the new station manager, Tom, over for dinner, thinking he’d be the perfect man for Daphne. But what Frasier doesn’t know (and the audience does) is that Tom is gay, and he's under the impression that Fras wants him for himself. There were many great “farce” episodes written by Joe Keenan. The formula: set up a misunderstanding that snowballs the entire episode into a gigantic, hilarious mess -- and this episode was the best of its kind.

#1: My Coffee With Niles
Episode #24
(Season 1)

This delightfully unusual episode is told in real-time, meaning, it’s simply twenty-two minutes of the Crane boys having their usual philosophical, intellectual discussions at the Café Nervosa. One of my favorite things about the show was how therapeutic it could be. It was not only funny; it offered deep, analytical, thought-provoking insights to human behavior, often related to common problems we all face in our own lives. The show really helped me through high school, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

My apologies to Season 10, which was coincidentally the only year that didn’t make the list.

Revenge of the Sith Review

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
2005

"A long time ago in a galaxy fat, fat away..." - the actual opening to the final draft of Episode III. And therein lies the problem with the prequel trilogy: Lucas had 100% creative freedom over them. Granted, he did have a lot of great ideas, but NO idea how to execute them properly. For the old trilogy, he had great screenwriters like Kasdan to adapt his ideas into a coherent screenplay, and great directors like Kershner to bring his vision to life. But Lucas tried to write and direct the new ones himself. Like The Emperor says in this episode, “I have the power… UNLIMITED POWER!” Lucas is proof that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Reports say he was impossible to work with. I imagine he's the closed-minded type that's unable to accept constructive criticism, and that the few who dared challenge him were banned from the set forever.

Most moviegoers find Sith to be the best of the prequels. Probably because it’s brimming with heavy action -- it’s the only Star Wars film rated PG-13. But personally, I think it was strike three for Lucas, and that he never missed the mark further. The effects are more excessive than ever, the only thing more laughable than the story is the dialogue, and the action scenes were just plain dull! The old trilogy is for adults who want to feel like kids again. The new trilogy is for kids who want to feel like adults. If all you care about is action, go watch some porn -- even then you’d see better writing and acting.

Everything about the new trilogy is so uninspired. I was pumped to see new characters as fun as the old ones. Instead, all we got was unbelievable younger recreations of them, down to pathetically lame cameos with the most illogical connections. Christ, I’m surprised there wasn’t a ten-year old Han Solo playing dodgeballth with Greedo (and arguing over who hit who first). After seeing Force Lightning in Jedi, I was pumped to see what other kinds of black magic the Dark Side had to offer. But nope, that’s it. All we got to see in the new ones was a lot more Force Lightning. I was pumped to see new planets. The only cool one we got was a volcanic planet. Too bad the only scene on it was a universal letdown. I also hated how Naboo had forests, plains, meadows, cliffs, waterfalls and underwater caves. What a terrain hog! What happened to "one" terrain per planet? Other newcomers included multiple cavernous planets, more water planets, more forest planets and, my least favorite of all, a planetary city. Running out of ideas, are you? What about a mountain planet? Or a tropical jungle/river planet? Or a giant literal icecube? Or how about some more fantastical planets, like a low-gravity planet full of floating rock islands?

I've shown a remarkable amount of restraint by waiting until now to discuss the most fatal flaw of the new trilogy: the endless amount of continuity errors and contradictions they create with the old trilogy. Lucas clearly hadn’t thought out the backstory very well beforehand. Talk about inconsistencies! Like, how come no one remembers the droids? How could Leia remember her mother who died in childbirth? Why did the old jedi disappear when they died, yet the new ones do not? If the Emperor’s skin got all pale and wrinkly from Force Lightning electrocution, why didn’t Luke’s? Why did Obi-Wan say Yoda was his master if it was really Oskar Schindler? I refuse to believe that Vader built Threepio, that the stormtroopers are all clones of Boba Fett’s dad, or that Yoda once carried a baby-lightsaber.

Frankly, I can’t believe the two trilogies came from one mind. They’re like a puzzle piece and a piece of shit: they just don’t fit. In a utopian future, film history textbooks would devote an entire chapter to the originals and only a footnote to the obscure, forgotten prequels. But alas, I fear it will never be so, as Hollywood seems to have addicted young filmgoers to the drug that is CGI to keep them crawling back to the theaters every weekend for another fix. Children are bound to actually enjoy the CG overdose the prequels have to offer, and may even prefer it to the originals. But as they mature, I think the scales will tip. At the very least, I hope that future generations will watch these films in the order they were made, or it will sour the whole experience and ruin all the story twists. Those who don't even understand the history behind the films may even mistake the saga as one piece of work, which it is not. No matter which trilogy you prefer, they really are two seperate entities because of who had creative control over them. Nevertheless, the saga really is an artifact of film history. Never has a franchise generated such controversy between its own fans. In my mind, the backstory is better left to the imagination. At the end of Revenge of the Sith, Lucas makes a last-minute effort to maintain a shred of continuity between the trilogies by having Threepio’s memory wiped, so he forgets everything that happened in the prequel trilogy…

That lucky bastard. 2/5 stars.

Attack of the Clones Review

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
2002

And you thought The Phantom Menace was bantha fodder… Set ten years later, Clones opens with a failed assassination attempt on the queen’s life (someone must’ve told Lucas kids love movies that begin with big explosions). Anakin, now an emo Abercrombie model in his late teens, is assigned to take the sexy queen into hiding while poor Obi-Wan is ordered to find out who the almost-assassin was -- I wonder who drew the short straw on that one.

Episode II had even more computer-graphics and even less humanity. It’s practically an animated film with human actors. It's the kind of film that you’d watch in computer-animation courses for inspiration and in screenwriting courses for laughs. I think it’s hilarious how, after such negative reaction to Jar Jar Binks, Lucas totally replaced the comic relief role with good ol’ Threepio instead of having Jar Jar redeem himself. This is but one example that proves Lucas is a businessman, not an artist. For the prequel trilogy, he spent tens of millions on advertising campaigns, he carefully designed the films to please all four demographics, he threw in supporting characters like Mace Windu to get minorities in the theaters, and he catered the films for merch. It's like he designed the characters and vehicles solely to be converted into action figures and Legoes. Even the classic Yoda puppet was given an ugly digital makeover. Some fans rejoiced when Yoda busted out a baby-lightsaber, but I just buried my head in my hands. I always thought of Yoda as a master of The Force, not the sword! But I guess more kids would buy the Yoda toy if he was holding a lightsaber.

The new trilogy gets way too political, especially this one. In the old ones, we were never told exactly why the rebels are against the empire, nor did we give a sith. All we needed to know was that the government was evil and the rebels had to overthrow it. But in the new ones, they spend way too much time politickin’. What is this, a presidential debate? As fast and flashy as the modern lightsaber duels are, I’ve seen far more creative choreography in fan-made Youtube battles. The new duels also lack the depth and emotion of the old ones. In Phantom Menace, there wasn’t a single line of dialogue exchanged during the swordfights, which was very disconnecting. But in Episodes II and III, I wish they had kept their traps shut. Nothing like cheesy, childish comebacks to ruin the drama.

Lucas’s idea of romantic dialogue is about as sexy as watching Jabba impregnate himself with his hermaphroditic genitalia, then giving birth to octuplet slugs. It doesn’t help that Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman act like they’re in a soap opera that will never lasted longer than the pilot episode. For some contrived reason, jedi aren’t allowed to love. You’d think if you possessed the most awesome magical powers in the galaxy, you’d want to have as many children as possible, to pass on what you’ve learned and to multiply your council’s strength. And if love was really forbidden, the council should’ve thought twice about sending the film’s two most attractive, young, emotional teens on such a romantic getaway by themselves -- of course she’s gonna give his lightsaber the force!

These films are so god-awful that they’re actually fun to watch, if only to ridicule them with a group of fellow OTLNTH (old trilogy lovers, new trilogy haters) -- a tattoo I want on my back. The new ones are so unintentionally funny, it feels like you’re watching a cheesy, old B-movie. Forget Ed Wood. Lucas gets my vote for the worst director of all time! Okay, okay. I’ll be honest. The prequels do have their moments. I could name scenes from each film that actually recaptured the charm and joy of the original trilogy. But those moments are so few and far between, they don't even begin to compensate for the flaws. That’s like saying, “Hitler had his redeeming qualities.” 2/5 stars.




Click here for my Revenge of the Sith review: At an end your rule is, and not short enough was it.

The Phantom Menace Review

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

1999

When “special effects” are overused, they’re no longer "special" or "effective." Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate CG. Films like Terminator 2, Jurassic Park and Titanic made great use of computer-graphics, because they adhered to three main special-effects criteria: 1) The films used the effects sparingly. Limiting the amount of effects-shots makes each one savory. 2) The films used the effects subtly, so sometimes, you can't even tell you're looking at an effects-shot. 3) Most importantly, the films used the effects to tell the story -- not the other way around. The Phantom Menace, on the other hand, fails on all three accounts.

I mentioned in my New Hope review that it was like seeing the Star Wars universe through a keyhole. Well, Phantom Menace kicks the door wide open. The result is, initially, overwhelmingly attractive. With all the modern technology, Lucas was able to show you things he simply couldn’t before. However, some doors were not meant to be opened. After the CG buzz wears off, you quickly realize just how shallow and empty the film really is, like five minutes into a hot date with a total airhead. Apparently Lucas didn't learn the lesson from the Death Star trench run in New Hope: remember how Luke turned OFF his stupid computer and did it by hand? That was the magic of the original trilogy. Much like The Force itself, they relied on things you don't see. Every time I watch them, they make me feel like a kid again, with a mind as limitless as the universe itself. But seeing “everything” in the new films is like seeing the ends of the universe, which really discourages the thought process. There are so many obvious effects in every single frame that it defeats the whole purpose. Seeing CG nonstop subtracts from the scenes that could have really benefited from it. But worst of all, Lucas focused so much on the effects, everything else suffered. Sure, all the backgrounds look great, but he lost sight of what’s in the foreground: the characters, dialogue and story.

The screenplay is a convoluted mess about Senator Palpatine, aka The Emperor, aka the Phantom Menace, who’s trying to take over the government by forcing the queen’s signature (really). Young Obi-Wan and his unwise master, Qui-Gon, rescue the young queen, and in the process, encounter Anakin Skywalker, better known as Darth Vader, when he was just a child. The story is quite complicated. A lot of moviegoers probably don’t get it but just assume it makes sense. Well, it doesn’t. This is brainless writing for brainless audiences. Watch Mr. Plinkett’s review for a good psycho-analysis. Even Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor, the only good actors in the whole film, can’t sell lines this awful. It was like Lucas whipped out a rough draft in a single evening and never bothered to revise it. There are far too many blatant allusions to other works. Anakin was a virgin birth, just like Jesus in the Christian Bible. The droid army not only resemble Nazis, but John Williams even gave them the same musical motif he wrote for the Germanians in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. And the podrace was an (inferior) update of the chariot race from Ben-Hur. The characters are all eye candy, often covered in elaborate makeup or lifelike animation. But underneath all the glitter, they have zero personality (Darth Maul, Queen Amidala) or, worse yet, despicable personalities (Jar Jar Binks, Anakin). None of the "comical" scenes are funny. Yet, the film is full of unintentional humor, like how quickly the queen is able to change costumes, often so fast it plays like a running sight gag.

The film follows the Star Wars tradition of upping the number of simultaneous climactic battles, this time to four. Sadly, the only one worth watching is the lightsaber duel, mainly due to William’s epic score, while the other three are some of the worst Star Wars battles ever. I HATED how everything Jar Jar and Anakin did was accidentally advantageous. That kind of nonsense is hysterical in a Buster Keaton battle, but Star Wars is not a comedy! Even the Endor battle with the Ewoks was played seriously, despite some comic relief. It would have been much cooler and more character-appropriate to see Anakin and Jar Jar kick some ass on purpose. Even cheesy one-liners like "Take THAT!" would've been infinitely cooler than all the "Oopsies!" The excuse “The Force must have been guiding them” is ludicrous -- what about Jar Jar? Judging by the amount of “itty bitty accidenties” that led him to victory on the battlefield, he must have a higher midi-chlorian count than the entire jedi council put together.

Oh, god. "Midi-chlorians…" I had to cover my ears when Lucas gave a scientific explanation to The Force. The Phantom Menace isn’t terribly terrible, it’s just heartbreakingly disappointing, especially considering its potential with all the advanced technology. But it was that infinite power that ironically led to its downfall. I feel the same way about the videogame industry. Episode I marked the “beginning” of the Star Wars franchise as well as, in my opinion, the “end” of great filmmaking, ushering in an age where visual glamour takes precedence over great storytelling. Don’t be so proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed, Lucas. 3/5 stars.

Click here for my review of Attack of the Clones: You want to go home and rethink your life.